


End of the Beginning

by Morgana_avalon



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-05
Updated: 2016-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-12 11:06:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 52,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7100572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgana_avalon/pseuds/Morgana_avalon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set right at the ending of the movie the Winter Soldier. Natasha handed Steve the files on Bucky Barnes and they are going after him. No real spoilers for Civil War as this takes off in a different direction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [numb_64](https://archiveofourown.org/users/numb_64/gifts).



Title: End of the Beginning  
Author: Morgana  
Pairing: Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes  
Rating: old-fashioned R as far as I’m concerned.  
Summary: Set right at the ending of the movie the Winter Soldier. Natasha handed Steve the files on Bucky Barnes and they are going after him. No real spoilers for Civil War as this takes off in a different direction.   
Disclaimer: Not mine. I'm not making any money out of these stories! The characters belong to Marvel.  
Warnings: I’m not a native speaker of English, so don’t expect perfection.  
Not beta read L   
All mistakes are mine.  
Positive feedback always welcome. Do be gentle though, I’m only human and make mistakes/typos.

End of the Beginning

Prologue

 

Light… the cold and darkness both fading… sudden noises… being dragged back to life… It hurts… each and every time.

I fight the sensations, but past experiences taught me that resistance is futile and will only result in more pain. The soothing darkness that cradled me for so long slowly crumbles and a harsh light replaces it. It pulls me back to life against my will and it’s a painful rebirth; one I lived through too many times to remember. 

The last time they put me away I prayed that the torment would finally end. I hoped that I would never see the light of day again. I would gladly spend the rest of my miserable life cloaked in darkness, tucked away in a cold, dead world. But like so often in the past that choice is taken away from me, as they drag me from my peaceful sleep. 

My eyes sting and hurt; they can’t deal with the sudden harsh light and need to adjust. The oxygen mask resembles a muzzle, making it impossible for me to speak, scream, or even cough. Strapped to the cylinder I’m in, I wait for my handlers to make their next move. My body feels numb and I can barely move my limbs. How long did they keep me in cryo this time? How many years have passed? And why did they bring me back to life? Why can’t they let me stay dead? I don’t want to do this again. I don’t want to go through this hell again. I remember the pain – all of it -- the misery being alive brings with it. I just want to go back to sleep and drift off into oblivion.

“Soldier!”

The word is a death sentence; for me, and for the target they picked. I know better than to move about or even react to their presence. They don’t like it when I act without explicit instructions. I hold still while the handlers remove the oxygen mask and I prepare myself for the first, painful breaths I need to draw in on my own. I don’t know why, but breathing always hurts at first. I draw warm, almost hot, air into my lungs, and it forces them to start working again. It hurts like hell, and I remind myself that it will pass, but right now, I’m in agony. I fight to keep upright. Crumbling will anger the handlers and they’ll punish me for showing weakness. I lock away most of the pain in a dark corner of my mind, but some discomfort remains.

They pull me from my tube and help me put my feet on the floor. I need their support at this point, as my body is no longer used to functioning on its own. I always need time to adapt, to adjust to being alive again, but my time is limited. They are always in a hurry to put me into The Machine again. Then the pain will start all over again, and no matter how hard I scream, they never stop. The pain just goes on and on… And then I lose myself in it. The ‘me’ is pushed back, locked away, and only ‘he’ remains, the Winter Soldier, Hydra’s fist. I’ll carry out their orders and afterwards the handlers will take me back to the camp. And then, finally, I can go back to sleep. I yearn for the moment the darkness will take me again – take me away from this fragmented state of being. 

I no longer fight them. I used to fought them at first and I never managed to escape. I learned a long time ago that they are much stronger. Their stun guns, the drugs, the mind control, it puts them in a powerful position and they never pass up an opportunity to make me feel inferior. I know my place these days. They drilled it into me.

They lead me toward The Machine and I can’t help shivering in fear, knowing the ordeal that will follow. I still haven’t recovered yet from all that time spent in cryo and now another nightmare awaits me. I close my eyes in surrender when they push me into the chair. Restraints lock down my arms and they pull back my head, positioning it, so those large, metal arms can close around it. The cells in my body remember the pain that’s about to follow and muscles spasm in fearful anticipation. This is the worst part of it. 

The metal arms move closer and the handlers release me. I hold still, knowing fighting back will only make it worse. My hands turn into fists and my body tenses up in fear. Suddenly The Machine’s jaws bite down on my head, clutching it between its fangs, and then the pain starts… and I scream…and scream… and scream…

0000

I can’t remember the last time I was this nervous. I carried out countless dangerous missions, but this time everything is different. If Nat’s intelligence is correct – and I have no reason to doubt that – then Hydra is keeping Bucky prisoner behind those armored doors. 

The moment the information came through, I asked the current members of the team to back me up and we flew to Siberia. I hated the land the moment I first laid eyes on it; it is cold, lonely, and unwelcoming. It is, however, the perfect place for Hydra to set up camp. 

“We’ll find him,” Nat assures me. “We will get him out.” 

My face is an open book – it always has been. I’m a terrible liar and I suck at hiding my feelings even when my life depends on it. Nat knows what’s going on and briefly places her hand on mine and gives it a gentle squeeze. I appreciate the gesture. She’s a true friend and God knows I need all my friends to support me on this mission.

“Just be careful out there. Remember, we don’t know what kind of state he’s currently in,” she reminds me. 

She sounds and looks worried and I don’t blame her. We’re moving into uncharted territory and don’t know what awaits us inside Hydra’s base, but that won’t stop me. I’m a man on a mission and nothing can stop me – certainly not Hydra! “I’m going to get him out even if it’s the last thing I’ll ever do. They can’t have him, Nat. He doesn’t deserve any of this!” 

My mind still reels from the information I found in those files. Nat’s contacts came through and provided me with many details on Hydra’s ultimate weapon; the Winter Soldier. My heart still aches, finally knowing what Bucky’s life has been like these past seventy years and I try to deal with the feelings of guilt and rage waging war inside me, but I’m doing a bad job. 

My worst fear came true when I found out what Hydra had done to my best friend. Hydra turned him into a weapon – a gun to be used whenever Hydra wanted to change the course of history. Afterwards they would put him back into cryostatis. “They’re going to pay for this,” I hiss and mean every word of it. I’m not leaving without Bucky. 

“Don’t overreact. Hydra will use your rage against you,” she warns me.

“Guys, are we done with the therapy session? Are we going to bust that guy out or not?” 

I smile in spite of our situation. “Getting impatient, Stark?”

“Well, I promised Rhodey to go for a drink later, so can we move this ahead?”

“Sam and I are in position,” Clint says, reporting in. He is hiding in the shadows, ready to take out as many Hydra’s agents as he can. Sam stands next to him, ready to get involved in the battle once it ensues. “We’ll cover you. Just get Barnes out of there.”

I take heart, relieved that the team fully backs me up. I found it hard to tell them about Bucky, as I feared they wouldn’t support me and would want to arrest Bucky instead and hand him over to Shield. They surprised me though and came through. Once they knew the whole story they backed me up. Nat, who disappeared after Nick’s fake funeral, showed up at the tower that morning. She probably found out about my plans and I’m glad to have her at my side. 

Now that we are about to march into Hydra’s base, my nervousness returns and I pray to God that we have arrived in time and that Bucky is still alive. I will never forgive myself if I find out I arrived too late. I don’t want to lose him again!

Nat finds a way inside and takes out the careless guards aided by Clint’s arrows. She nods her thanks at him and presses her back against the armored door. A long, tormented scream suddenly tears through the silence and makes her shiver. She recognizes the voice and so do I.

That scream freezes the very blood in my veins. “Bucky…” What the hell is Hydra doing to him? “We’re out of time,” I growl in anger and nod at Tony. “Do your thing, blast that door into oblivion.” Tony releases a charge and the door crumbles. I don’t waste any time and quickly move in. 

“Tony, Nat, you are with me. Sam, Clint, keep Hydra off our back.” Catching sight of Bucky, restrained to a chair and screaming his heart out, I feel like I walked right into a terrible nightmare. “What the…” I freeze momentarily, realizing the machine Bucky is strapped into releases several charges; probably photonic flashes and electro shocks, judging from the way he’s shaking himself to pieces. 

Suddenly Nat knocks me off my feet and I quickly catch my fall; that fall saves my life, as a series of gunfire erupts from my left. She saved my ass. “Nat…Thanks.”

“Stay sharp, Steve… These guys are dangerous. Get your friend out and leave them to me.”

I don’t argue with her and run toward Bucky, as getting him into safety is all I can think about. “Tony, I need you to shut down that machine!” I don’t dare to just pull Bucky away from it. I might do more damage that way! I hate the way he’s screaming. His body shakes itself apart and his fingernails bury themselves deeply into the fabric of the chair. Seeing him like this tears me apart. I want to act, but I can’t. Why isn’t Stark doing anything?

“I’m on it!” Tony heads for the control panels and touches down. “Jarvis, run an analysis. How do I shut this down without injuring Barnes?”

“I am working on it, sir.”

I want nothing more than to reach out and take Bucky’s hand in mine. He needs to know that I’m here. He needs to know that I’m going to take him away from this pain. I want to free Bucky of the monstrosity, but Tony needs to shut that thing down first. “Bucky, hold on. I’m here. Stark, hurry up!” I barely register the fighting around me. I don’t register Nat, Sam, and Clint taking out the handlers and guards. I only have eyes for Bucky. 

“Got it!” Tony announces and punches some buttons. 

The metal arms that clutch Bucky’s head suddenly retreat and release him, spitting him out. I move in at once and reach for him. It worries me that he continues to shake violently. It’s almost like the electricity continues to run through his veins. “Stark, the restraints!” Bucky suddenly collapses and I never hated Hydra more than right now. “Bucky, come on!” The restrains finally fall away and I grab hold of him. Now that I have him, I will never let go again! 

Bucky’s breathing is labored and he feels cold to the touch. He is covered in sweat and tremors constantly rock his body. The screaming finally ended – for which I’m immensely grateful, but now he whimpers in pain and that sound is equally hard to bear. “I’ve got you. I’m taking you away from this awful place.” Carefully, making sure I’m not making things worse, I hoist Bucky up in my arms and pull him close to my chest. “I’ll never let you go again,” I vow passionately. 

“Steve, this way!” Nat is already on her way out, taking care of any possible threats. “Get moving!” she tells me and I react. 

Clutching Bucky close to my chest, I run toward the exit, counting on my teammates to keep us safe. I run, eager to get Bucky to the plane and into safety. He definitely needs medical attention, but my first priority is to get him away from Hydra. I don’t stop running until I reach the plane and carry Bucky inside. 

“You’re safe now,” I say, more in order to reassure myself than him. He can’t hear me anyway, thankfully Bucky is still out of it. Had he been awake, getting him out would have been way more challenging. I strap Bucky to the chair and then search for something to wrap him up in. I locate some blankets beneath a chair and wrap them around Bucky, hoping to get him warm and to stop the shivering. “You’re safe with me,” I tell him and keep repeating the words. I’m going to look after my friend. No one is ever going to hurt James Buchanan Barnes again! 

Sam probably reads that and much more in my eyes when he settles down next to me. 

“Steve, he’s fine. You got him out and we’re on our way home.” He’s good at grounding me, I have to give him that and I’m grateful he’s here. The last thing I need is to lose control. “Like you said, he’s safe now. Calm down, buddy.”

I nod and manage to recompose myself little by little. It’s hard though. Bucky is my best friend and he means the world to me. “Sorry,” I apologize to Sam, “I’m not usually like this, but when it comes down to Bucky…” One of the blankets slips and I secure it more tightly around his still form. 

“When it comes down to Barnes, you majorly lose it,” Tony says, cutting in. He ditched the suit and sits down to co-pilot the plane, as Clint is already taking her up into the air. “But I get it,” Tony adds after a moment’s thought. 

Looking at them I realize that they are also having a hard time dealing with everything they just witnessed. Bucky’s screams still echo in my ears; they also heard them and I know it affects them too. I never heard anyone scream like that before and I can’t imagine the pain Bucky must have been in. 

“Why don’t you hook him up to Jarvis? We need to know how your buddy’s doing; check vitals and stuff like that,” Tony suggests; he isn’t a physician, but Jarvis knows a great deal about first aid and medical stuff. Tony puts his trust in that.

Sam moves forward to help, but I’m faster. “It’s okay. I know how to do this.” I swat Sam’s hands away and attach the electrodes myself, although my hands tremble slightly. I slip two of the electrodes beneath the shirt and then stroke the dark hair away from Bucky’s face. I’m grateful that Bucky is still unconscious. I’m not sure how I would react if Bucky was staring at me. I proceed to wipe the sweat from his brow and quickly attach the electrodes to Bucky’s temple. “You’re going to be fine,” I tell Bucky, more for my own benefit than his. I hate seeing him like this and want him in a warm bed and resting comfortably instead.

“It’s going to be a rocky ride though,” Sam cautions me.

“He’s right,” Nat adds as she sits down next to Sam. “He has been Hydra’s prisoner for over seventy years. Something like that leaves scars.”

I know they’re right, but I will never give up on Bucky. “I’m prepared to do whatever it takes,” I state determinedly. “Whatever it takes.” I add that last bit just to make sure they understand. Damn, I would even kill for Bucky… There’s that dark side I warned Tony about.

Nat uncovers a pulse oximeter and cleans Bucky’s fingers to her best ability. She rubs those fingers trying to get the circulation going, and then attaches the oximeter. I take over and lift the arm, resting it against Bucky’s chest and keeping it there. I don’t really pay attention to Jarvis when the computerized voice lists its findings. I move closer to Bucky and wrap an arm around him, needing him close. I need to convince myself that we managed to get him out. Bucky is safe and in my arms. That’s all I need to know.

0000

I carry Bucky into the small medical ward Tony had installed when the palladium was poisoning him. Carefully, I place Bucky onto the bed. I don’t want to jostle him and cause him even the slightest discomfort. Nat and Tony keep to the back – for which I’m grateful -- while I wrestle with Bucky’s outfit. Getting him out of the heavy fabric is a challenge, but in the end he’s free of it. I throw the dark uniform onto the floor in disgust. I don’t want anything to remind him of his imprisonment. 

“Thanks,” I tell Tony when he hands me a white shirt and matching sweatpants. I would prefer to clean Bucky up and give him a quick sponge bath, but I can’t take the risk of waking him up in the process. I struggle to get the shirt on him, and need Tony’s help after all. That metal arm is heavier than I thought. Tony offers his assistance again and we put the sweatpants on him as well. Running my fingers through his hair I try to rid him of the worst snarls and tangles. I stand back and admire my handiwork. He looks almost normal – almost… There’s always that arm.

Nat and Tony move forward and hook Bucky up. I let them, content to study my old friend. Several devices surrounding the bed come alive and start to beep. “What’s going on?”

“Just monitoring his heart beat and stuff,” Tony explains while putting Jarvis back to work. Out of the lot of us, Jarvis is best qualified to oversee Bucky’s vitals. That’s quite a scary thought actually. 

I pull up a chair and sit down next to the bed. I refuse to let go of Bucky’s hand and I can’t stop staring at him. I never really gave up hope; I always knew that I would find Bucky in the end, but now that he is actually here, it feels unreal.

“How are you going to do this?” Nat asks in a soft voice. She kept her distance until now, but she probably observed Bucky very closely.

“What do you mean?” I frown at her; isn’t it obvious? “Bucky is going to heal and I’ll support him.”

“You need to realize where Barnes is coming from,” Nat says in a patient voice.

Tony nods. Confident that Jarvis is looking after our patient’s needs, Tony pulls up another chair up and straddles it. “She’s right, you know. I studied the data I pulled from that machine, and as far as I can tell, they were seriously screwing with his brain. I read those reports from Kiev too, and can only assume they were wiping his mind and prepping him for another mission. We don’t know the state he will be in when he wakes up.”

I know they are right. I seldom think straight where Bucky is concerned. “What do you suggest?” Maybe I should listen to them after all. 

Nat hesitates, but then says, “I know what the KGB is like. I never had to deal with Hydra, but trust me when I say that the KGB is just as bad.”

I nod; I believe her. I know bits and pieces of her background story, which isn’t pretty. I stopped myself from delving into any details though, as she is entitled to her privacy. If she wants me to know something about her, she will tell me. I’m not going to pry. 

“They conditioned him. Ingrained certain behavior on him. Submission, obedience, never second guessing their orders. He’ll look to you for guidance and instructions. His handlers…” Nat draws in a deep breath; her own past almost certainly catching up on her. “They don’t care about him. He’s just an asset, an object to control and to use as they see fit. He’ll expect orders. Don’t go all emotional on him. Be objective, appear to be in charge. That, in turn, will help him adjust.”

I understand where she’s coming from; why she makes those suggestions, but I don’t agree. “I’m not like those animals! I can’t treat him like that. We just saved him from that hell. I’m not going to put him through it all over again. I want him to recover instead!” 

“I’m not saying you should abuse his trust.” Nat remains calm in spite of my outburst. “Give him orders, ask him questions, but don’t attach an emotional value to it. You can tell him to eat dinner in a non threatening manner. You can ask him if he’s in discomfort in a neutral, but decisive tone.” 

I’m slowly catching on, but I still don’t like it. She’s probably right though. I need to go slow and give Bucky time to adapt and work things out.

“Don’t give him any choices, Steve. He won’t know how to handle them. His handlers would never give him that much power. Keep him away from sharp objects. I’m not saying he will attack you, as he will think of you as his handler, but he might be unpredictable. You don’t know how badly they damaged him.”

I hate this, but Nat’s advice is sound. She has been there. She knows what Bucky lived through as it mirrors her own history. I decide to go along and to follow her advice. “Anything else?” 

“I don’t know,” she mutters, looking at Bucky and trying to assess his state. “We have to make it up as we go along. Wear a headpiece so I can help you if necessary. I really have no idea what kind of state he’s in.” She looks at Tony next. “What do you make of those readings? How far along was Hydra in wiping and programming him?”

“That’s hard to say. Jarvis is still analyzing the data. It’s tricky business. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Bucky will recover. I’ll support him. I’m with him until the end.” I don’t make promises lightly and I keep them. Bucky’s recovery is my sole priority right now.

“We’ll help,” Tony says and rests a hand on my shoulder. “I’ll hurry up on that analysis. For now, your friend seems to be peacefully asleep. Let’s hope he stays that way.” 

“It won’t last,” Nat warns us. “Hydra would want him available as quickly as possible. I reckon he’s only unconscious because we aborted the conditioning process. If the programming had been successful, we would have a deadly assassin on our hands. He managed to shoot me twice. No one else ever came close.”

Although she intends those words as a warning, I also detect a hint of professional admiration in them. I shift my chair closer to the bed and pull Bucky’s hand close to my chest. A part of me wants Bucky to wake up, but another part dreads finding out what state his mind is in. Can I still reclaim him? Will the Winter Soldier stare back at me from the depths of those eyes, or will Bucky recognize me? I settle down as all I can do is wait.

0000

“What’s up?” Sam apprehensively enters the room. “I don’t like anything that resembles a medical ward. The beeps, the smells, the feel of it makes my skin crawl.” 

Sam looks about and walks up to the foot end of the bed to watch Bucky sleep. It is hard to believe that this is the same guy who told me to stop Bucky instead of saving him! Sam looks rather pensive and when he speaks, he surprises me yet again. 

“When you told me about Barnes, I didn’t think I could ever forgive the guy for trying to kill me, but finding him in that god awful room changed everything. Barnes is a victim. I get that now and I’ll help. Just tell me what to do… So how is he doing? He looks calm enough.” 

“He looks fine, but he isn’t. He’s getting restless and mumbles a lot, but I don’t recognize the language. It’s nonsense.” It worries me. I have no idea what’s going in that brain of his; I don’t know the extent of the damage Hydra did.

“Well, he’s asleep… Maybe his mumbling only makes sense to him.” Sam takes a good look at Bucky. “He looks like he’s been to hell and back. I kinda knows what that feels like. During my tours I saw my share of injured soldiers… and they also screamed out in pain, but it sounded nothing like the way Barnes screamed while strapped to that machine. We’ll help him find his way back. Heck, I’m a counselor, remember? Are you staying here with him?”

“I’m not letting him out of my sight – not even for a second!” I don’t worry that he might wander off, not in his current state, but I do worry about the injuries Bucky might cause to himself – and others. Nat’s right; we don’t know what to expect. I only know that I need him close. 

“He saved me in the past, Sam. When we were fighting Hydra and tried to capture Zola, I went down. Bucky picked up the shield to protect me, but couldn’t deal with the backlash. It threw him off the train. I couldn’t reach him. I couldn’t get to him in time. I watched him fall, Sam. Bucky died so I could live. He saved my life so many times.”

“And I bet you saved his hide in turn. Something like that creates a tight bond, I get that, but I bet there’s more to this story.” 

“Yes, there is, Sam… I’m lost without him. You’ve been to the museum. You know what I was like before the serum changed me. I was the runt of the litter, and yet I couldn’t look the other way when bullies picked on a kid. I had to get in there. Bucky always showed up to save my butt. He would charge at those bullies and kick some ass. And then he would drag my sorry ass home and nurse me back to health. One time he stole pink band aids from his aunt and used them to cover up my cuts. I wanted to get rid of them, but Bucky seemed so damn pleased about his handiwork that I left them in place. That’s just one of many stories. We grew up together, Sam. He’s the brother I never had.”

“And maybe even more?” 

“Maybe,” I admit; I don’t want to talk about this now. This isn’t the time or the place for it. “But that’s something to deal with later. First he needs to recover.” I’m not surprised that Sam figured out my feelings for him. It’s probably rather obvious and I do make a bad liar. I trust Sam… so I decide to tell him. Keeping this hidden is killing me at any rate. Maybe it’s good to get it out. “I love him, yes. I always did.” I never was interested in those dates Bucky hooked me up with. I just wanted to spend time with him instead.

“Then you have to hang in there and fight to get him back.”

“I will, for he’s worth it, Sam. Just wait until you get to know him better. You’ll like him. Bucky’s charm is something to behold. I always admired the easy way he made friends or chatted up the ladies.” Growing sad, I add, “I can’t help but wonder how much of my old friend is still left. I’m realistic enough to realize that he has changed. You can’t live through seventy years of torture and brainwashing without it changing or even destroying you. I accept that, even though it hurts. What I can’t accept is Bucky remaining just ‘an asset’ and being abused for the rest of his life.”

TBC


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See notes part 1.

Part 2

The smell is all wrong. Normally it stinks of gun oil, burned skin, and electricity. This time it doesn’t. It smells clean and refreshing instead. The Winter Soldier never pays attention to what nature smells like, but I’m convinced I smell flowers. I’m amazed that I still remember what they smell like. Or is it just my imagination? Did I finally lose it?

The silence is another thing that catches me off guard; there’s some beeping to my left, but it’s surprisingly soft and non invasive. Normally their hellish machines create a lot more noise. I focus my hearing. There has to be something else – something more. Normally my handlers are talking in the back, or the guards make fun of me, knowing I won’t lash out at them. If I even look at them in the wrong way, they get out their stun guns.

I pick up on a familiar noise to my right. Someone is in the room with me, breathing evenly, meaning this person is in a calm state, maybe even asleep. Calm is always good as far as I’m concerned. Agitation, excitement, rage usually mean something is wrong. Should I risk a peek or continue to pretend to be asleep? I want to know who’s in the room with me, but they will punish me for showing even the slightest sign of disobedience; acting on my own is seen as a very severe breach of protocol. At the moment, remaining passive seems my best option. I learned a long time ago not to unnecessarily aggravate my handlers; I have no desire to end up on the floor, convulsing and drooling like a mad dog with electricity still running through my body. 

“I know you’re awake.”

The voice is alien to me. I haven’t heard it before. Did they get me a new handler? That actually makes sense, as I don’t know how much time has passed since I was awake the last time. Maybe my handler died? The voice doesn’t sound overly harsh, but that doesn’t fool me. Some handlers excel at mind games. I can’t help growing tense though, as I have no idea what he wants from me. Normally they brief me on my mission and send me off. This isn’t normal procedure. What are they up to this time? 

Did something go wrong while I was in The Machine? I’m still me and that is wrong too. I shouldn’t be in control right now. Why hasn’t the Winter Soldier emerged yet? Please God, I don’t want to go through that hell again because The Machine malfunctioned! Not a second time! Not this soon! My breathing speeds up and I grab hold of the fabric beneath me. I claw at it, trying to find something to ground me.

“Open your eyes.” 

At hearing a direct order, I comply. Not doing so will cost me dearly. Hopefully I can avoid any punishment they have in mind. Are they going to blame me for The Machine’s malfunction? But it never malfunctioned before! I stare at the ceiling, careful to appear submissive. I don’t want to give my handler a reason to discipline me.

Something is wrong though. I don’t know what it is, but something is terribly wrong. They never give me this much space. They never give me time to recover. What the hell is going on? My head still hurts and it’s getting worse. The mild discomfort I was in quickly turns into a severe headache. I’m no stranger to them, but they usually appear toward the end of a mission during the debriefing and certainly not this early in the process. The nausea rising from my stomach takes me by surprise. Why am I still in control? Someone please tell me what went wrong and what’s happening to me! But I keep my gaze locked on the ceiling. It’s white… sterile… I try to ignore the nausea and my splitting headache, but I’m not sure I can. God, I’m going to be sick!

“How do you feel? Are you in pain? You don’t look well.”

They never asked about my well-being before. They never care. I feel lost and don’t know what to do. So I just keep staring at the ceiling. Just staring, just trying to lock out the discomfort, just trying to keep still and to not give them a reason to lash out.

“You can look at me and sit up if you want to.” 

I don’t sit up, nor do I look at him. It’s a trap; they’re testing me. They want to know if I still abide to the rules, if I’m still theirs. Although I don’t have permission, I close my eyes. There’s this immense pressure inside my head and something is crushing my skull, clutching at it, and ripping apart the very bone. Fuck, it’s getting worse. I’m going to spill my guts all over the floor and they’ll make me pay for that. 

A whimper escapes me and I can’t believe I fucked up. Rule number one; never show weakness… Never and to no one. I’m convinced that this is a test and I’m fucking failing it! I try to keep it down, but waves of nausea travel up to my esophagus and I’m unable to fight it. All I can think about is damage control. I turn onto my side, curl up, and bite down on my tongue in an effort to regain control. I just need to make sure I don’t choke.

“What’s wrong? What’s happening? How can I help?” 

I’m not falling for his act. They never cared before and it’s not happening now. It’s just one of their fucking tests! I’m going to throw up though… Suddenly there’s movement near the bed and someone sits down next to me. The next thing I know is that I’m being pulled upright.

“Sit up, damn it!” 

That sounds more like Hydra and I go along. It actually feels good to sit upright instead of lying down. The nausea finally gets to me and I throw up. My handler apparently found a waste paper bucket and holds it in front of me. I grab hold of it with my right arm and spill my guts into it. I’m grateful it’s not ending up on the floor. I wouldn’t put it past them to make me clean everything up. I throw up mostly water and bile, nothing solid, just fluids. Thankfully they didn’t feed me yet.

“Just get it out. Don’t fight it.” 

I don’t have a choice, I’m afraid. The headache is making everything even worse. I heave for another minute, but there’s nothing left for me to throw up. My stomach is empty, but it keeps contracting like it wants to expel itself. It takes me a few minutes to settle down. My stomach might have finally calmed down, but the headache is still getting worse. I wish someone would just cut off my head. It would solve so many problems! I let go of the basket and try to compose myself. I feel exhausted though – broken even.

“Done?” 

Even in spite of the blinding headache, I register the touch at once. They don’t touch me – they detest the very sight of me. So why is this man rubbing circles onto my back? I can’t remember the last time someone touched me like that. Thinking about any form of human contact is dangerous though and I can’t let myself fall victim to it. This is all a game to them; another test they devised.

“Tell me, are you done?”

A direct order – one I can’t refuse. “Yes, I’m done.” My voice sounds raspy and unused. Speech isn’t something Hydra requires from me. The facial mask prevents me from speaking anyway. So why does this man want me to answer him? All of this tires me. I feel rusted, so fucking tired, and definitely out of my depth. Someone just tell me what’s going on and how to pass this damn test so we can move on. 

“Good, I’m just getting rid of the basket. Don’t move.” 

Realizing there’s a wall behind me, I lean against it for support. I keep my eyes closed, as the light worsens the headache. There’s nothing wrong with my hearing though. A door opens, someone steps inside, and places something near the bed. After collecting the basket, the handler leaves again. Focusing my hearing takes a toll though. It worsens the headache.

“Drink this.”

What is he feeding me? Whatever it is, its odorless. I’m not sure my stomach can handle fluids yet, but objecting is not an option. I do as I’m told. I sip, then stop. Gulping it down will only make things worse. My handler doesn’t seem to mind – thankfully - and goes along with my slow pace. It tastes like water, but I can’t be sure. They might have added something to it. I would love more water, but I won’t ask for it. And what if it IS drugged? It’s better not to react at all. If only this headache would go away. Fuck, just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get worse, it does. I rest the back of my head against the wall, as I’m unable to support myself. My head is killing me.

“Tell me, what’s wrong? What made you throw up? Is it your head? Are you having a headache? Come on, tell me, that’s an order!” 

I know that tone. I had better speak up or things will get ugly. “Yes, a headache.” It’s best to keep communication down to a minimum, as I don’t want to aggravate them. A distant, detached part of me registers the door opening again. A new smell, a new handler. Having several of them in the room with me usually means I’m in trouble. 

“Tony, I think he has a major headache.” 

Tony? That’s an odd name for a handler. Come to think of it, they never use names. They are faceless, emotionless.

“Try Aspirin. I already dissolved it in some water as he might have trouble swallowing pills. Jarvis thinks it’s the best option at the moment. We should try this before hitting him with heavier stuff. We don’t even know if drugs have an effect on him. They don’t affect you either.” 

Who’s Jarvis? That’s another name… odd, neither of them sound Russian. Why did they change handlers like that? And Aspirin? It sounds familiar. It’s a painkiller, I think… Though thinking is difficult.

“Drink this – slowly. If you feel the need to throw up again, tell me.” 

I comply and sip slowly. The water tastes odd, probably due to the Aspirin. I fight the urge to lift my arm and to grasp the glass myself, but such an act would warrant immediate punishment, so I keep still. I was lucky I got away with it earlier. Going slow, I manage to empty the glass. And that’s another odd thing. It’s a real glass – made from glass… not plastic. Since when am I allowed around objects which I can turn into a potential weapon and use against my handlers? Even after emptying it, I still feel thirsty. Luckily my stomach doesn’t act up. It does feel awfully empty though. I’m hungry, but can’t possibly eat after throwing up. It’s not like I have access to food anyway. I have to wait until they feed me.

“Do you want to remain sitting up, or do you want to lie down again? You know best what will keep the nausea away.”

The question confuses me. They never give me a choice. They just give orders. So I stay quiet, fearing it’s part of the test, though I have no idea what this test is about. I’m still following the rules Hydra set.

“Fine, we’re staying like this then. Lying down might upset your stomach. We should get a bit more comfortable though.”

I hear his voice and make out the words, but it’s like he’s speaking in a foreign language. My brain seems unable to put sound and meaning together. The handler moves me about and I just go along. I don’t care anymore. I end up being more comfortable than I was. Instead of leaning against the cold wall, there’s a warm body now. I can’t trust my mind, for it feels like the handler pulls me close and wraps his arms around me. That would never happen. This must be an illusion. Maybe I’m dreaming or hallucinating? That might actually explain everything. This isn’t real. I’m dreaming, but the thing is, I don’t dream. I’m no stranger to nightmares, but dreams like this one are alien to me. I can’t be in cryo either because I fade to nothingness once I’m put on ice. But does it matter? Does any of it matter? I’m too tired to fight. I just want to rest and maybe even sleep.

0000

I can tell the exact moment Bucky goes to sleep and I sigh in relief. Although he’s trying to hide it, it’s obvious that he’s in a great deal of pain and I’m not sure the Aspirin will help. Tony made a valid point earlier. Whatever Zola did to Bucky during the war -- those experiments -- helped Bucky survive a fall that should have killed him. I need to find out what Zola was doing to Bucky. Was some form of Erskine’s serum involved? Hydra’s intelligence might have gotten their dirty hands on the formula!

Bucky seems totally oblivious to the world and I pull him closer against me. Now that he’s asleep, he’s able to relax. “You’re safe with me. I’ll watch over you. I promise you…” I guide his head against my shoulder and rest my chin on it. It feels amazing to have him close again. Back in the days when we were young, I never realized what Bucky meant to me. I had to lose him in order to understand just how much I love him. 

“Hey there,” Tony moves into the room and comes to a halt near the bed. He tilts his head and gives me a rather crooked grin. “You don’t waste time, do you?”

I ignore his comment as I’m not in the mood for it. “What’s going on with Bucky?”

“Jarvis thinks it’s a belated reaction to Hydra’s machine. The pain will fade; I doubt we can do much about it. It has to run its course.”

“So why are you here?” I know Tony; he’s up to something. He has this certain look in his eyes.

“I just want to let you know that I’m flying back to Siberia. I need more data. I’m going to search that base for information. I’m sure they documented their actions. We need that information if we want to help him recover.”

That’s understandable. I might have suggested the same thing if I wasn’t that preoccupied with Bucky. “What should I do in the meantime?”

“Regarding Barnes?” Tony shrugs. “Nat threw in the towel already, saying you make a very poor handler. You’re on your own, but if you want my opinion, I think you’re doing it right. Your buddy is smart and knows something has changed. Just go along with it. Contrary to Nat I think it helps if he knows you care.”

I nod; I believe that too. “Are you going to destroy that camp on your way out? It might be the smart thing to do.” I don’t want Hydra to return there.

“I’m still not sure about that. We might need to go back for more information. I just want to seal it off.”

“That’s your call.” I can’t really be bothered. I have Bucky to look after. 

0000

Although his sleep was peaceful a moment ago, it’s rapidly changing. At first, his body merely twitches. Then Bucky starts mumbling and his head lolls against my shoulder. His right hand spasms and I take it in mine, hoping it will soothe his sleep. His left hand turns into a fist, which he pulls tightly against his body and he keeps it immobile. 

“Bucky, you’re having a nightmare. Don’t worry, you’re safe with me. Don’t do this to yourself.” I’m not sure if waking him up is the right thing to do. I’m more inclined to let this run its course. He shifts against me and I loosen the embrace; I don’t release him though. I want him close. 

His mumbling becomes louder and more aggravated. I’m rather certain it’s Russian. Although I understand and speak some, this is beyond me. “Hush now, you’re safe. You’re with friends.” My voice does seem to have some effect on him as he calms down again. “Yes, that’s it. Just get some rest. Maybe that headache will be gone by the time you wake up, wouldn’t that be great?” The door opens and I grow alert. Rationally I know I’m safe at the tower, but the urge and need to protect Bucky over rules all other instincts. It’s only Nat though. 

“So you’re going to do this your way?” She moves toward the bed and closely studies Bucky. She looks mostly curious and a bit concerned.

“Yeah, I am. I can’t mimic his handlers. I’m not like that. If it’s risky, so be it. I need to show him that he’s not alone in this. I want him to feel safe.” And yes, I will do this my way. 

“Maybe it’s the right thing to do, who knows.” Nat moves over to the monitors and looks at the readings. “So he was having a headache?”

“Yes, but he’s asleep now. Hopefully he’ll feel better once he wakes up. Nat, I do value your advice, but I can’t hurt him in the name of helping him.”

“I understand.” She smiles warmly. “It’s who you are.”

“You know Russian. Can you make any sense of what he’s saying? I think it’s Russian, but I’m nowhere fluent in that language. I want to know what’s going on in his head.” Nat returns to the bed and cocks her head. Bucky’s mumbling is barely audible, but she has excellent hearing and will pick up on it. Seeing her face contort surprises me. She’s an expert at hiding her feelings and to show them so openly is rare for her.

“He’s begging us to kill him. To end it all. To finally let him go,” she says in a shaky voice. “He just wants to go back to the void, the darkness. I guess he’s talking about being in cryostatis.”

“That’s not going to happen!” I’m not putting him back to sleep. We’re going to fight this and we will find a way to make it work.

“It’s… heartbreaking,” she admits gingerly. “He keeps repeating it.”

I wonder what her life was like when she was still a KGB assassin. “Did you ever feel like that?”

“No, never,” she says resolutely. “Once I realized what they had done to me, I began looking for a way out. I never stopped fighting back. But Barnes…” She shivers. “I don’t know if I could have fought back after being in that machine. It sucks out your will – your very soul. They killed him on the inside.” She pauses and seems uncertain. “What does such a violation do to your mind? To your soul? The body might recover, but what about his mind?”

“Hey, don’t go all pessimistic on me. We got him out and he’s amongst friends now. We’re going to help him heal. We just have a long road ahead of us, but we can do this. Bucky can do this. I know he’s still in there.”

“I hope so, for your sake, Steve.” But her eyes tell me she isn’t sure there is much left of the man I knew as James Buchanan Barnes. 

0000

After sleeping peacefully for another hour, Bucky begins to wake up. His body tenses almost instantly and he goes rigid against me. I know better than to expect him to trust me – a stranger – after everything he’s been through, but it still hurts. I had rather hoped he would recognize and remember me, but he seems lost in his own world. I need to be careful and remember that. “Hey, welcome back. How is your head? Still hurting?” He doesn’t react at first. He almost seems fearful of me. What did I do to intimidate him? Or is it just the way Hydra taught him to act? I bet those bastards loved seeing him submissive like that. I, however, don’t. “Tell me about your head. Does it still hurt?” Maybe repeating and formulating it differently will help and convince him to answer me.

“It still hurts.”

It’s nothing but a whisper, but I hear it. “Aspirin isn’t working then?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is it as bad as earlier on or did it improve, however slightly?” Damn, it’s like pulling teeth, but I’m not giving up. He will tell me so I can take proper care of him. Bucky remains silent and I suspect he’s seriously thinking it over.

“Maybe a little bit better.”

“But not much,” I offer in turn and he slowly nods against my shoulder. I hear his sudden intake of breath and reckon the headache is still pretty bad. “What kind of painkiller do they usually give you?” I doubt he can tell me, but I must try.

“None…”

Fuck Hydra! I fight to keep in control of my emotions. It’s too bad none of those bastards are near for I would have enjoyed killing them – slowly. I force myself to concentrate on Bucky though; he needs me and I can’t give in to this rage. “What do you think will help?” That question appears to throw him for a loop, judging from the way he shifts in my arms. “Do you have any ideas?”

“I’m thirsty.”

I didn’t expect that one, but I should have thought of it. He’s probably dehydrated. Thankfully Tony placed some water bottles onto the nightstand the last time he visited. I reach for one of them, open it, and place it at his lips. It’s like taking care of a child and I cringe at realizing how much work awaits us. But I won’t give up. I’ll never give up on him. “Slowly,” I remind him and he sips. A few minutes later, I replace the now empty bottle with a new one. “Better?” All I get is a minute nod, it’s enough for me though. The fact that he told me that he is thirsty encourages me. There’s still some fight left to him. He’s already testing his boundaries. If Hydra had truly succeeded in making him completely submissive, he wouldn’t have told me. “How is your stomach doing? Do you think you can eat?” He stops drinking and seems to consider my question. He takes everything so serious, like it’s a matter of life and death. But maybe it is – to him. I don’t know what methods Hydra used to condition him. 

“Maybe. I’m not sure.”

That has to do. I uncover my phone and call Nat. She answers at once.

“What’s up, Steve?”

“Can you get us something to eat? Something light that goes easy on his stomach? I can’t get it myself.” I don’t want to let him go. I’m scared he will disappear the moment I release him. I don’t want this to be just a dream and wake up to reality.

“I’ll see what I can do.”

She ends the call and I tuck my phone away. “We’ll see how much your stomach can take. You should really eat. When was the last time you ate?” For some reason my question upsets him and he grows restless again. 

“I have no idea… Not recently… I don’t know how long I have been out of cryostatis.”

I close my eyes in a desperate attempt to focus and fight down my anger. The last time I fought the Winter Soldier on the helicarrier was six months ago. Hydra probably quickly located him and put him away once they realized his identity was out. That means he’s been on ice for six whole months! “That’s okay. You’re going to eat in a bit. You need to get some food inside you – some calories.” I’m under the impression that he’s no longer terrified to answer me, not like he was at first. He’s even adding extra information. It’s time to test that theory. “Does anything else hurt? Except for your head, that is?”

“Not at the moment. I’m still thirsty though.”

Theory confirmed! This time he replied much faster and without carefully thinking over how to phrase his answer. And he indirectly asks for more water. We’re making progress! “Here, drink some more then.” I open the water bottle and put it in his right hand. He keeps his left hand pulled tightly against his body. “I something wrong with your left arm?” It can’t hurt to ask. 

“No…”

Something I said upsets him for he suddenly looks at me. I forget to breathe momentarily. His eyes have always drawn me in. They’re a special hue of blue, and sometimes, when the light is right. they turn the palest blue I’ve ever seen. I can’t stop myself from smiling at him. He doesn’t smile back; he just looks at me in a dazed way. “Don’t forget to drink. You’re thirsty, or did you forget?” I thank God that Bucky isn’t lost to me after all. He’s still in there – hidden away and afraid, but he’s there. 

“I have your permission then?”

“Permission?” What is he talking about?

“To drink?”

“Of course! You don’t need permission for that. You’re thirsty and then you should drink!” Hydra made him ask for permission for something like that? “Go ahead. It’s all yours.” He seems unsure, so I nod at him. “There’s more. Just drink.” I wonder what he’ll do. I suspect he thinks it’s some sort of trap, but why would he think that? He slowly raises his arm and keeps looking at me, as if expecting me to reverse that order. When I don’t, he sips, and puts the bottle down again. 

“You didn’t answer my question. What’s the deal with your left arm? Can’t you move it?” The way he presses it against his body reminds me of someone being restrained.

“I’m not allowed to use it freely. It’s a weapon and I could use it against you. I need to keep it immobile. It’s one of Hydra’s rules. I remember and I obey.”

He thinks this is a test? Damn, that explains a lot! “It’s one of the rules,” I repeat, confirming his statement. This is my chance to find out more. “Tell me about the other rules then.”

“I’m not allowed to act on my own. I’ll carry out your commands instead. Thinking isn’t allowed. I’ll do as you say. Speaking isn’t allowed. I’ll be quiet.” 

His gaze suddenly focuses on me and I cringe beneath its intensity. I wonder what’s next.

“I know I’m not allowed to ask questions, but I don’t understand any of this. Why are you here with me? Why are we talking? Why aren’t you preparing me for a mission?” 

Bucky nibbles on his bottom lip, a sight that’s awfully familiar to me. He used to do that every time he felt awkward about something and tried to hide it. “Ask away. What else do you want to know?”

“Did The Machine malfunction? Why am I still me? Why am I not him yet?”

I should have known that he has questions. I need to be careful about the way I answer them. “What do you remember? What happened to you… in that machine?” If he calls it like that, I will do the same. Hopefully that will lessen his confusion.

“I remember pain… I remember screaming…”

I react instinctively and move him closer against me, involuntarily tightening my hold on him. I remember those screams too. I remember the pain in them. “What else?”

“It didn’t last that long this time… It stopped – abruptly… I didn’t feel… ready.”

“Maybe that’s why you have that headache?” I’m pretty sure that’s the reason. But we had no choice. We had to abort the process and get him out. 

“Why am I still here? Normally I’d be on a mission by now, but you haven’t even told me about the target. Who are you? I don’t know you. Are you my new handler? I don’t understand any of this…” He quickly looks away and lowers his head. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that. I forgot about the rules. You’ll punish me now.”

The way he says that sounds final and accepting, but he doesn’t fool me. There’s still some fight left to him. He’s already defying Hydra, bending their rules by asking me those questions. I will answer one of his many questions and leave the rest for later. “Do you want to know who I am?” I hope to feed his curiosity by asking him that and it works. He peeks at me from behind his long hair, which he uses to hide behind. I fight the urge to push those bangs behind his ears. If he feels more comfortable that way, that’s fine with me.

“Yes, I do… but it’s against the rules.”

We will have to discuss those rules in detail, but not yet. We need to start with something small. Maybe I’m hoping to spark his memory… Maybe I just want to give him this. “I’m Steve.”

He blinks in confusion. “That doesn’t sound Russian.”

“That’s because I’m not Russian. I’m American.” He shakes his head, looking bewildered. “Not Russian?” He looks about, as if seeing the room he’s in for the very first time. “But we’re still at the base, aren’t we?”

“No, we’re not.” Maybe I shouldn’t have said that because he looks terrified all of a sudden and I have no idea why. “I’ll explain everything – in time.”

“I won’t ask any more questions,” he promises quickly.

Apparently he isn’t ready yet to find out the answers. I allow it as I don’t want him to grow stressed. “Do you want to tell me your name in turn? What do I call you?” He stares at me in shock. His breathing speeds up and his gaze grows panicked. Why is he reacting like that?

“I have no name. They call me soldier.”

I should have known. I don’t want his agitation to worsen and act quickly. “I can you give a name. Would you like that?” Once more, he has trouble dealing with the fact that I’m giving him a choice. “I’ll name you Bucky.” His gaze grows unfocused for a moment and his lips mouth the name. Does he remember something?

“Bucky?”

“Yes, Bucky. It’s a good name, trust me. Not Russian though, but Bucky seems to suit you.” The initial reaction to his name is gone and I’m not sure it triggered his memory. “Are you fine with that?” I ask, now that he remains quiet. I don’t like the lost expression in his eyes. It’s like he knows the name should mean something to him, but he seems unable to remember why. 

“I don’t mind…” He looks away and stares at the wall.

Something happened just now, but I don’t know what. His name triggered a reaction, but I don’t know what’s going on in his head. It will take a long time for him to open up to me, but we made a promising start. “You should rest some more, Bucky. And then we’ll have dinner. You need to eat.” I don’t expect him to lean against me, but he actively seeks out my support. Does that mean he’s beginning to trust me? I do hope so. 

TBC


	3. Part 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See notes part 1.

Part 3

I feel at peace for the first time in ages. In the past I would never have relaxed with a handler close, but this man is different. He seems to care about me. I can’t be sure though. It can still be an act, but for some reason he strikes me as sincere. He says his name is Steve. I like that name, but I don’t know why. It just has a pleasant ring to it – Steve. And he named me Bucky. I don’t know why he chose that name, but it’s a lot better than just being called soldier. It makes me feel like I’m an actual person. But I know I’m not. I’m just an object – the asset, as they usually call me. 

I’m still lost in thought when warm and welcoming smells drift up my nostrils. It smells like food. I don’t want to move, but I’m eager to find out if they decided to feed me after all. Now that the headache is fading, I feel hungry. The door opens and a handler appears, carrying a tray with food on it. I haven’t seen the handler before. He has short brown hair and his eyes lack a handler’s normal harshness. For some reason he’s smiling as he puts the tray down on the nightstand. He doesn’t seem dangerous, and most of the time, those handlers are the most dangerous ones. I need to be alert.

“Nat told me that you’re hungry.”

The handler looks at Steve, and not at me. So the food is meant for him, and not for me. Although that’s disappointing, I will survive. I always do.

“Apparently Tony’s girlfriend, Pepper, is a real health freak. Fridge and freezer are packed with good stuff. We only had to reheat the chicken soup and bake off the bread. It does smell good!”

He’s right. It smells delicious. It smells so fine that my stomach growls angrily and rather loudly, I’m afraid. That’s not good. 

“Someone’s hungry!” 

The second handler mocks me, but what’s new? They always do. I’m surprised Steve is still holding me instead of attacking the food. The next moment, he releases me though and I pull myself together; it doesn’t do to show weakness in front of them. Steve puts some pillows up against the wall and rests me against them. I still wonder why he cares. 

“I’m just getting the food, don’t worry.”

Of course he’s getting the food. He must be hungry too. I return to staring at the wall and I do my best to ignore the mouthwatering smells. I would love some of that soup. Hydra’s food is always bland and functional and this is the first time that the food actually smells like real food.

“Careful now, it’s hot.”

I blink in surprise at finding the tray suddenly occupying my lap. Are they really going to torment me like this? Well, what else can I expect from Hydra? All my life they told me that order is all there is and that it comes through pain. This time they opt for starving me, but that isn’t new either. They did so before. It’s an excellent method to break someone.

There are two bowls of soup on the tray. Steve lifts one and then places it on the nightstand. The second bowl is probably for the new handler. I try to lock them out and retreat into my mind.

“Here, dip it into the soup. It tastes even better that way!”

Steve takes hold of my hand and places a large chunk of bread into it. I stare at the bread and then at Steve. What’s this?

“See, like this.” Steve sits down on the side of the bed, takes hold of the bowl, and dips his bread into it. He looks utterly content eating the moist bread. “Pepper is a good cook! Remind me to tell Tony that he’s a lucky guy!” Steve picks up the spoon and starts eating. 

The bread he put into my hand indicates that he wants me to eat, but… “This is mine?” How else am I supposed to find out? I really should stop asking questions though. Steve nods encouragingly and continues eating. I look at the bread and the soup and can’t believe I am this lucky.

“Eat, eat as much as you can. And that’s an order.” 

It sounds like an order, but I’m still suspicious it’s a trap. Although what can they possibly hope to accomplish by playing me like this? There’s a spoon – a metal spoon, not plastic. A potential weapon Hydra would never allow me to get hold of. Why is it on that tray? I understand my handler using it, but why am I given one?

“Don’t wait too long or it will cool. You should eat while the soup is hot.”

Steve gestures for me to pick up the spoon and to start eating. I’m hesitant to do so. What if it IS a trap? Well, I won’t know until I break their rules. Using my right arm I pick up the spoon and wait for them to punish me. All I get is a smile though. Two smiles actually. The other handler seems pleased too. I give up. I have no idea what this charade is about and the soup smells too good to waste. I start eating and close my eyes in bliss. The soup tastes amazing. It’s fresh, sweet, savory and salty all at the same time. It’s not watery at all, but packed with vegetables and meat. I forget everything that’s happening around me and just enjoy the treat. I love the salt in it. I crave it. Unfortunately I empty the bowl much too quickly and wish I could have more, but this must do. I’m not sure my stomach can deal with this amount of food after throwing up earlier.

“You didn’t have any bread yet!”

Steve moves forward, breaks off another chunk, and puts butter on it. He does this several times and then places the plate on the tray on my lap.

“Eat, it’s good!”

I believe him, and it looks tempting, but my suspicions return. What if the butter is drugged? The soup might have been okay, but…

“Just eat it,” the second handler says unexpectedly. “We’re not poisoning or drugging you.”

Damn, he knows what I’m thinking. I need to be more careful around him!

“Bucky, we just want to help and I want you to eat your fill.”

Steve sounds sincere; so I reach for a chunk of buttered bread, careful to use my right arm and not my left, just like Hydra drilled into me. I take hold of it, and bite into it. The bread’s still warm and the butter melting, sliding down my tongue. The taste is familiar, but that’s impossible. I can’t recall ever eating this before. Neither of them try to stop me so I eat another chunk. I slowly lose my apprehension and eat the rest as well, only now fully realizing just how hungry I am.

“I’m getting dessert,” the second handler says as he gets to his feet and steps out of the room.

Dessert? Did he actually say dessert? I shouldn’t get my hopes up though. Maybe it’s just meant for the other handler and not for me. But hope dies last. He returns, makes his way through the room, and puts another tray on the side table close to the window. A window? There’s actually a window in my room? Why is there a window? 

“What’s wrong?” 

Steve finished his soup too and gives me a worried look. I reckon I look spooked to him, but he should know why I’m reacting like this. “Why is there a window in my room?” Looking about, and seeing the room for the very first time for real, I notice there are several large windows. Why didn’t I notice them before? “Aren’t you worried I might try to escape?”

“Ah, that’s why…” 

Steve frowns and exchanges a look with the second handler. Maybe they realized their mistake only now? I curse myself for bringing it up. Now they’ll probably move me to a different room, a cell without windows. I forget about dessert and look at the window instead. It’s dark outside and I can make out a crescent moon and a multitude of stars. When was the last time I saw a night’s sky like that? The Winter Soldier never notices things like that; he’s focused on taking out his target. But I… I would look at the sky instead. “It’s beautiful.” I didn’t want to say the words, I just wanted to think them, but the words escaped me anyway.

“What is?” 

Steve follows the direction of my stare and seems to catch on. “You always loved the night,” he whispers absentmindedly. 

I have no idea what he means by that and ignore the comment. I want to memorize that sky. I study the stars and stare at the moon. 

“Maybe you should move him,” the second handler says and cocks his head toward the window.

I knew it wouldn’t last. I shut have kept my mouth shut! Maybe they are new at this and not yet familiar with the specific rule set that applies to me. 

“Yeah, we should!” 

Steve nods and with the two of them in agreement I don’t bother to plead with them. They’ll just move me to a different cell.

“Can you walk?”

I want to lie and to tell him no, but I’m bad at lying. My handlers always know when I try to manipulate them, so why bother? “Yes, I think I can.” Steve places the tray onto the floor and pushes back the blanket covering me. I put my feet on the floor and stand, or, I try to stand. I sway though. I hate myself for showing such weakness. Steve steadies me and keeps me from falling. My first instinct is to grab onto him in turn, but once I realize what I’m about to do, I stop myself from reaching out. They could consider it an assault!

“Hold on,” Steve says and wraps an arm around my waist. “It’s just a short distance, but I don’t want you to fall.”

Slowly, I grab onto him and clutch at his sweater. Instead of leading me away from the window, he’s moving me toward it. I pause, stare at him in shock, and feel frozen. “What are you doing?” Why can’t I stop asking him questions? And why does he make me feel like I can ask him the world and he will give it to me? We end up standing in front of the window. I raise my left hand, though I’m not actually aware of doing so and place my fingers against the glass. Although they’re made from vibranium I have sensation in them. I feel the glass beneath my fingertips and swallow hard, wishing I was out in the open instead. 

“Wait,” Steve says and reaches for the window, which he opens.

He opened the fucking window! I look down and realize just how high up we are. I would survive the fall, but I would end up seriously injured. There’s no way I can get up from such a fall and run away from them. I would make things worse. The cool air moves inside and caresses my face. This is just a little taste of freedom, but I’ll always treasure it. This is special. 

Unexpected, it starts to rain. Large droplets hit the building and land on the windowsill. I move a little forward and my handler moves along with me. I raise my left arm, and reach out with it. Rain falls onto my palm and slides down the vibranium. This feels unbelievably real. If this is a dream or hallucination I don’t want to wake up. “It’s raining,” I whisper in awe. There’s a thunderstorm brewing in the distance. Lightning erupts from the dark clouds and travels to the earth, momentarily covering everything in a yellowish red glow. “It’s a storm.”

“I remember several occasions during which you dragged me outside to run about in the rain. You always ended up dripping wet, but you were a sight to behold, chasing the raindrops. You loved a good thunderstorm back then too. You almost got hit by lightning once when you didn’t head my warning. You were determined to stay outside, but after nearly getting hit you quickly got inside.”

I have no idea what he’s talking about, but his voice is soothing and I like to listen to it. The thunderstorm is getting closer and I should probably move back to the bed. I still feel embarrassingly weak and the fact that I need Steve to support me tells me I’m far from recovered. I turn around, not really thinking straight otherwise I would never act on my own. Steve, however, merely moves along and walks me back to my bed. I sit down, glad to be off my feet, but at the same time I mourn the loss of that amazing view. I don’t want to lie down yet and sit up against the wall as it makes me feel less vulnerable. 

The second handler doesn’t close the window exactly. He leaves it slightly ajar so fresh air continues to travel into the room, alongside with the moist smell of rain. It also enables me to listen to the thunderstorm. I don’t know what comes over me, but I feel at peace. My eyes close out of their own accord and I drift off into sleep.

0000

“Steve?”

Clint rests a hand on my shoulder and rubs the skin there. God knows I need the support and I’m grateful to have a friend like him. “This is killing me.” I cover up Bucky and tuck the blanket around him. I’m happy he went to sleep that easily; he needs to rest. I turn around, give Clint a sad smile, and walk back to the window. Clint follows and takes up position next to me. “He’s still in there, Clint. Every now and then I see a glimpse of the old Bucky.”

“Nat told me he has amnesia, so why is he fine with you calling him Bucky? Does he even know it’s his real name?”

“I don’t think so. I asked him about his name and he told me Hydra just called him soldier. I couldn’t allow that, so I offered to call him Bucky instead and he was fine with it. For one moment, he seemed on the brink of remembering his identity, but then that vacant look returned to his eyes.”

“It’s very encouraging – all this,” Clint says and joins me in looking out of the window. “I thought he would be much worse. He’s resilient.”

That makes me smile. “Yeah, he is. He told me about Hydra’s rules and one of them is not addressing his handlers. The first thing he did once he got a bit more confident was to ask me questions. On some level he must know he’s safe with me.” I really believe that.

“I think you’re right… What’s the deal with his left arm though? The way he acted just now… Isn’t it just a metal appendix? It almost looked like he felt those raindrops. Do you think he actually has some sensation in it? When Tony wears his suit, he doesn’t.”

“I don’t know, but I’m inclined to believe he does have sensation in his left arm. I’ll ask him about it later. I want to go slow. I can’t rush this.” Now that I’m thinking about it, I should ask Tony to have a look at that arm when he gets back. Maybe it requires maintenance. If he has sensation in it, it can also cause him pain when it malfunctions. 

“So what’s the next step? Tony told me about his trip to Siberia and Nat is keeping her distance. A female handler would be unheard of and she doesn’t want to confuse our guy.”

“What’s Sam doing?” I almost forgot about him and I feel guilty because of it.

“Don’t worry about Sam. He understands and keeps himself busy. He does ask about you and Barnes.”

“I’ll talk to him soon.” I hate neglecting my friends. But Bucky… I turn around and watch him sleep. I’ll gradually introduce my friends to him and I know they’ll befriend him. Bucky needs all the support he can get.

0000

I wake up slowly, contrary to what happened in the past, there’s no pain, no flashbacks, no nightmares. I don’t know how long I slept, but I feel rested, which doesn’t happen often. Opening my eyes, I find that it’s mostly dark in the room. The only lamp that’s on is the one on the nightstand. It doesn’t do much to lighten the room though. It just enables me to watch my handler. What is his name again? Ah, yes, Steve. He’s asleep. Doesn’t Hydra teach these new handlers anything? They never sleep when I’m in the same room with them. It would be so easy for me to kill him, to suffocate him or to throw him through the window so he would fall to his death. These handlers are incredibly careless. Fortunately for them, I don’t feel the urge to attack and kill. Steve treats me with respect, something I’m no longer used to and I won’t repay that with betrayal. So I stay in bed and simply watch him sleep.

He has sharp features, but his face is kind. I suspect that he’s a bad liar, just like me; I have the feeling those eyes never hide a thing. I like him. I never thought I would ever like a handler, but he’s different. I even find myself smiling at him. 

I frown at seeing his sleep grow restless. He’s moving about on his chair and raises his arms, as if he’s fighting some unseen enemy. I know what nightmares are like and I wonder if I should wake him. I’m always glad when I wake up before the nightmare gets really bad. But how do I do that? I’m not supposed to touch him. I doubt that the mere sound of my voice will wake him up – not if he’s that deep into a nightmare. So what do I do? A quick look tells me that the door is closed, so I can’t get the second handler either. This is up to me. 

Why do I care about him? He’s just a handler. He’s Hydra’s… but he said he was American, not Russian, but that doesn’t really mean a thing. I know Hydra’s tentacles reach everywhere. I have no reason to assume he’s not Hydra’s. But even if that’s the case, I owe him. He’s making my life much more bearable and, to be honest, he’s the nicest handler I ever had. I don’t want Hydra to replace him, so it’s in my best interest to make sure they don’t learn about his nightmares. That would make him instable in their eyes and then they would replace him for sure. 

I push back the blanket and sit up. I remain seated on the side of the bed and consider my options. I’m not used to speaking aloud, so that’s probably not the best option. Maybe I should pull him away from his nightmare by touch? But how is he going to react to that? Will he accept that or punish me for blatantly defying the rules? I might not have a choice though. He groans as if he is in pain and tries to fight off an invisible opponent. I get to my feet and kneel next to his chair. I place my right hand against his shoulder and shake him lightly. “Wake up,” I whisper into the silence of the room. 

Suddenly I feel paranoid. What if Hydra is watching me from the shadows and this is still part of some test? Oh hell, let them kill me then. I don’t care. “Steve, you need to wake up now.” I shake him a little harder and he finally opens his eyes. I instantly back away from him and end up sitting on the floor. His eyes are big and I see remnants of pain in them. Not physical pain per se, it seems to be more of an emotional nature. 

“Bucky!” 

I’m not yet used to being called anything but soldier and it takes me a moment to remember that it is the name he gave me. “Yes, I’m here. You’re fine.” Comforting him feels right, but I know I shouldn’t be doing this. It’s best to distance myself and I retreat onto the bed. I pull up the blanket, using it as a barrier, and avert my gaze. I shouldn’t be looking at him in that way to begin with. But staring at the ceiling makes me nervous – so fucking nervous, that I end up re-establishing eye contact; I feel better already. “You had a bad dream.” And why am I telling him that? Why can’t I keep my fucking mouth shut? Because I want to hear his voice – I want him to look at me. 

“Yeah. It happens. Everyone has nightmares. You aren’t the only one. I have this one regularly. It always comes back to haunt me.” Steve reaches for the water bottle and drinks from it. “Years ago, I lost my best friend. He was very dear to me and I still feel guilty for being unable to save him.”

“What happened?” Fuck, I need to stop asking questions! Why can’t I control myself better? I can’t believe I asked him that. Steve hesitates and I don’t blame him. He doesn’t need to share anything that personal with me.

“We were on a mission. Our target was a war criminal and we were to apprehend him and bring him in. However, it was a trap. They suspected we would make our move and were ready for us. I went down and he protected me, but a blast caught him off guard. He was thrown off the train and I watched him fall into a ravine. I should have jumped after him. I could have saved him.”

His eyes tear up and I don’t know how to react when those tears make their way down his face. He quickly wipes them away, but the pain he is in is obvious. Even someone like me can see that. I don’t know what to say. Am I even supposed to say something? But how can I remain quiet when he’s in pain like that? I know what it feels like. “It doesn’t sound like you’re to blame. You tried.” I know it’s lacking, but it’s the best I can think of. “Your friend knew that.”

“You have no idea…” Steve starts, but then he grows quiet again. “I’m so happy you are here with me.” 

I don’t expect that particular reaction and feel at a loss. My confusion grows when he reaches for my right hand and takes it into his. The touch is unexpected and I gasp. I doubt I’ll ever get used to being touched in such a gentle manner. I immediately berate myself; I shouldn’t get used to it, because it won’t last. I remain silent, afraid to get emotionally involved. I’ll do him more harm than good, as scarred as I am. He keeps holding onto my hand and smiles warmly at me. I want to look away, but can’t. I can’t tear myself away from him. I need the contact just as badly. 

“I don’t know about you, but I can’t go back to sleep right now. How about some hot chocolate?” 

Hot chocolate… The words ring a bell and it’s like a memory trying to rise from the depth of my mind, but it gets sucked back down by dark mud. “I’d like to have some.” I really do. 

“Then let’s go get some!” Steve rises from the chair.

He starts to pull me to my feet, but I’m too surprised to move along. “You want me to leave this room?” Leaving my cell is unheard of. Keeping me confined is how they control me when I’m not in cryostatis. 

“Yes,” Steve says and frowns. “Is that a problem?”

I wonder why Hydra selected him as my new handler; he doesn’t seem to know any of the rules. “Letting me out is a bad idea,” I warn him.

“And why is that?”

He resumes pulling me to my feet, using his hold on my hand to make me comply. This time I go along and I’m relieved to find myself steady once I’m standing up. The headache is gone and I no longer feel light-headed. I got my footing back. “I might try to escape or attack you.” Is it just my imagination or does Steve actually flinch? Maybe I need to elaborate. “I’m still me, remember? You can command and control the Winter Soldier. He’s bound to comply, but I’m… I’m still me. I’m erratic and unpredictable. You shouldn’t take any risks.” Steve shakes his head and moves closer. I immediately move away. I don’t want him that close. Not while we’re discussing this. 

“You’re no danger to me. You’ll never hurt me; I know that. You don’t seem erratic to me. You’re confused, but you’re also curious. You want to know what’s happening and where you are. I’m here to take care of you and to help you. I want you to leave this room, which isn’t a cell, by the way. It’s just a medical ward Tony had installed when he thought he was dying. This isn’t a prison. This is your new home.”

The things he says make little sense to me and thinking about them will only give me another headache. He’s right about one thing though; I don’t want to hurt him. However, that doesn’t mean I’m not capable of it. “I still don’t agree that letting me out is a good idea.”

“I don’t care. Come on, we’re heading for the kitchen to make some hot chocolate. And if you want to, we can step out on the rooftop for a moment. Not too long, because I do want you in bed and resting.”

Stepping out? Did he really say that? “You’re mad.”

“Probably,” Steve admits and grins. “Have some faith in yourself. You can do this.”

I know I can, I just don’t think I should! But I still follow him over to the doorway. I feel shaky as I have no idea what awaits me on the other side. What if my old handlers are waiting for me? Or the guards? What if this is just a game to them?

“What’s wrong?”

I stopped walking and Steve pauses too. “I don’t want to do this.” I don’t want the illusion to end. I want to stay in this room and enjoy this dream. Steve moves closer again, and this time, I don’t retreat. He wraps an arm around my shoulder and pulls me toward the door. “Please, I don’t want to do this,” I beg him.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of. We’re just heading for the kitchen.”

I shake my head in denial. “No, they are waiting for me.”

“Who is?” Steve opens the door, pushing it ajar.

I can’t help but panic. “The rest of Hydra is.” I try to shake off his arm, but he’s tenacious and keeps holding on.

“Hydra isn’t here. Those bastards are never going to lay a finger on you again. That’s my promise to you and I keep my promises!”

The door’s wide open and there’s nothing but an empty corridor in front of me. No handlers, no guards, and no Hydra officers. No Machine either. I’ve never been here before. This is all new to me. “Where are we?” My voice shakes with emotion. I barely contain the urge to fight him off and run for shelter. 

“You’re in Manhatten, New York. We’re staying at the Stark Tower, Tony’s place. If Hydra ever attempts to sneak in here, Tony’s defenses will take them out. Trust me, there’s no building better secured than this tower.” 

Manhatten? New York? And what’s this about Hydra not being here? “But you’re one of them. You’re my handler. You’re with Hydra!” Maybe I shouldn’t have said that, but everything I ever believed in comes crashing down around me. “Why aren’t we in Siberia?” Steve draws in a deep breath and seems to compose himself. He doesn’t like my questions and I shouldn’t have asked them. “Sorry, it’s not my place to pry – to know. You decide what to tell me.”

“We’re going to have this conversation in the kitchen over some hot chocolate, not standing in this corridor. Come along now. It’s not that far.”

I take the hint and keep quiet. He guides me down the corridor and into a kitchen. A large, and luxuriously furnished kitchen. 

“Sit down, will you?”

I sit down at the kitchen table and carefully take in my surroundings. I can’t imagine Hydra spending money on this kind of luxury. I’m not in Siberia any more that much is obvious, but Manhattan? “How did I get here?” 

Steve walks over to the furnace and puts on a pan. He gets milk from the fridge and pours it into the pan which he starts to heat. He then places cacao powder and sugar onto the counter and puts some into two mugs. While stirring the milk, he finally looks at me. “What exactly do you mean by that?”

“Why am I not in Siberia anymore?” Is he going to answer my question? I do want to know.

“We got you out. You already met Tony. Clint helped too, he brought that soup. Do you remember him?”

I nod and want him to continue. They got me out?

“Sam and Nat helped too. You’ll meet them later. We stormed that base and got you out.” Steve removes the pan from the stove and pours the milk into the mugs while stirring. “Hydra can’t have you, Bucky. We had to get you out and took you into safety. You were their prisoner for much too long. We should have moved in sooner, but you were hard to find.” Steve carries the mugs over to the kitchen table and puts them down. 

He moves one mug toward me and gives me an encouraging look. “Wait for it to cool down. I know you’ll like it. I made it just the way your mother used to.”

My mother? I have no memory of her. I don’t think I ever knew her. How can Steve know her then? I wrap my hands around the steaming hot mug and soak up the warmth. “Are you saying you’re not my new handler?” I really don’t know what to make of all this. It sounds incredibly far-fetched and too good to be true. Hydra will never let me go.

“I’m your friend, Bucky. I’m here to help. I’m not a handler. I know Hydra uses them, but I’m not one of them. I’m just your friend.”

“A friend…” It’s a weird concept; having a friend instead of a handler. Maybe Hydra’s trying to implement changes and something went wrong? I don’t want to think about any of this, so I focus on the hot chocolate instead. I raise the mug, blow onto the surface, and take a small sip. It’s still hot, but not too hot. The taste is familiar, yet I can’t remember ever having it before. It feels more than just familiar. It feels like coming home in an odd way. It’s like I’m having a déjà-vu without knowing what it is about. “I like it.”

“I know you do, Bucky.” Steve sips from his drink as well. “Want a cookie to go with it?”

“A cookie?” The absurdity of the situation gets to me. I just stare at my drink and try to lock him out. I don’t know what is happening and it scares me. Steve heads for a kitchen cupboard and removes something from it. Once he places it on the table I see it is chocolate chip cookies. I return to staring at the liquid in my mug. None of what he told me makes sense. Hydra would never let me go. I’m theirs; mind, body and soul. But why then, am I sitting here drinking hot chocolate? Hydra would never allow me such freedom or pleasure. My head is beginning to hurt again. I really need to stop thinking about this. 

“What did I do wrong?”

Steve covers my left hand with his and I suck in my breath. Shocked at being touched like that, I stare at his hand on top of mine. “Don’t… please..” I carefully pull my hand away from underneath his and tuck my arm back against my side.

“I’m sorry,” Steve says, “I upset you. I never meant to do that. I need to slow down, I know that, but it’s hard. I’ll try harder, I promise. I just want you to know that I’m your friend and here to help. Do you believe me when I say that?”

I consider his question in earnest. To my surprise, I find that I do believe him. Something tells me that he’s honest. He’ll never hurt me and he IS my friend. Even more, I want to trust him and I want him to be my friend. “I believe you.” I really do. Feeling shy, I raise my head and look at him. He has a troubled look on his face and seeing it makes me cringe. “It isn’t something you did. It’s me. I don’t understand what is happening. I can’t believe Hydra would ever let me go. I’m theirs. I’m their weapon, Hydra’s fist. The only way for me to escape them is through death and I’m still alive, so Hydra didn’t let me go. I don’t know what this is about, but I can’t do anything about it.”

“I shouldn’t have rushed ahead like that. I’ll go more slowly from now on.” 

Steve reaches out again and now covers my right hand with his. I stare at our joined hands, but don’t pull away. I like him being close and I don’t want to chase him off. “I do believe you. I do think you want to help. I just don’t know what to think of that.”

“I get that. I’ll do better, I promise… Now do you want a cookie or not?”

TBC


	4. End of the Beginning part 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See notes part 1.

Part 4

“Can I return to my room now?” I finished my hot chocolate and even ate a cookie just to please Steve. Now I long for the safety of my cell. There are four walls and a door to it, and I feel safest that way. The rest of the world scares me as I don’t know what to make of it.

“You want to go back already? I haven’t shown you the rooftop yet! We’re on the top floor and the view is stunning. You really need to see it. We can go back after that, yes?”

The expression in his eyes tells me that he really wants to do this, so I comply. I don’t have a choice – not really. “If that’s what you want.” I’ll endure whatever he has planned for me as long as I can go back to my cell later. Steve releases my hand, pushes back his chair, and gets to his feet while giving me an expectant look. Thinking it best to please him, I follow his example. 

“This way,” Steve says as he heads for the doorway.

Once more I follow; it’s the safest option. I don’t know much about this building I’m in and its inhabitants, who might be hostile and attack me. Steve leads me into another corridor and I hesitantly peek at the paintings and pictures on the walls. I recognize the man who came to my cell the other day and whose home we are staying at. I forgot his name though. 

“You’re doing great, we’re almost there.”

We move into a living area which is also richly furnished. The thing that strikes me is that there are practically no walls. It features large windows instead. Although it’s still mostly dark outside, I can tell the sun is already rising in the distance. I feel drawn to it; the light and the warmth I remember from a past that keeps eluding me. 

Steve pushes the glass doors open and gestures for me to follow. I’m hesitant though. I don’t know what awaits me out there, but he isn’t giving me an option. I step outside and close my eyes as the night air hits me. It’s cool, but not cold. It’s wonderful to feel a breeze on my skin. I open my eyes and take another step onto the roof. I can’t stop staring at the sky. The crescent moon is still visible in the sky, but now that the sun is rising, its shape is fading. The sun is getting stronger and I feel drawn toward it. Not really registering what I’m doing I take another step. The rays of the sun are growing stronger and I watch them inch across the roof toward me. 

I hold my breath realizing they’re about to reach me. Warm rays of sunlight touch my head and then travel down the rest of my body, enveloping me in its golden light. It’s too much and I go down on my knees, supporting myself by placing my left arm on the floor and bowing my head. It’s too much… Tears form in my eyes and escape down my face, dripping from my chin. I can’t deal with this… How can I ever go back to living in Hydra’s darkness after being warm again? 

“I’m here with you, Bucky. You’re not alone. I’ve got you. I’ll never let you go. This time, I’ll catch you if you fall.”

The words somehow manage to penetrate my dazed mind and I cling to them. I don’t know why Steve is so damned determined to support me, but I would be a fool to dismiss him, regardless of any mind games he and Hydra are playing. He’s close and I wrap my arms around him. I hold onto him, while trying to find a way out of these messed up emotions running havoc in my mind. 

The sunlight warms me and it feels like it burns away any ice cryostatis left on my soul. It almost feels like coming out of the ice all over again, but this time The Machine isn’t there to welcome me, it’s the sun instead… and Steve. I clutch at him, trying to keep sane, but feeling like I’m fucking falling apart instead.

“Hey, it’s fine. Just let go. I’ve got you. You’re safe with me.”

I don’t know how long we stay that way, but Steve doesn’t release me until I finally begin to pull away. I feel immensely embarrassed for letting myself go like that. I don’t know what came over me, but that overwhelming feeling is finally residing. His hands remain on my shoulders and Steve doesn’t seem to be in a hurry to let go. 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper and cringe at the way I sound; my voice is shaky and raspy. “I don’t know what happened.” I raise my head and look at the heavens. Last night’s thunderstorm left the air crisp and the sky was never bluer before. “The sun is rising.” Why is that such a big deal for me? Because it never happened before – at least not like this. Did I ever witness a sunrise before? As me? Not as him. The Winter Soldier wouldn’t get emotional over a sunrise!

“Yeah, it is… In more ways than one. And don’t be sorry. There’s nothing you need to be sorry for. That was a beautiful sunrise. Thank you for reminding me how special that actually is.”

He doesn’t sound angry and I cast a quick look at him. I don’t expect to see him smiling. Steve doesn’t seem to mind my emotional outburst. “Thank you for not being mad at me.”

“Why would I be? But we should go back inside and get you into bed. You look exhausted.”

He’s right. I feel weary, like someone drained me of all of my energy. Lying down in a bed sounds great. Steve slowly pulls me back onto my feet and I nod at him to show him I’m steady. “I really don’t know what happened just now. I’m sorry.” This time I’m not interested in my surroundings. I feel ashamed and embarrassed and want to hide in my cell.

“No need to feel sorry, remember? We’re fine.”

I listen closely in an attempt to hear the lies in that, but he sounds sincere. I remain silent and follow him back to my room. Relieved, I step into my cell and head for the bed. I lie down on my side, curl up, and pull the blanket up to my chin. I don’t want to talk and thankfully Steve doesn’t pressure me. What the hell happened up there on the roof? Why did I break down and cry like that? It’s humiliating. I should know better than that. I should have better control than that!

“Try to rest if you can. Maybe even sleep some and don’t worry about what happened. It’s to be expected after Hydra locked you away for all those years. Your first taste of freedom overwhelmed you, I get that. Don’t fret about it.”

The feel of his fingers running through my hair upsets me at first and I want to pull away, but then I start to find it soothing. I crave being touched like this; it reminds me that I’m no longer alone. Suddenly Steve removes his hand and I open my eyes to look at him. “Don’t stop, please.” Steve’s face lights up and his smile comes back to life.

“I won’t, I’m only getting more comfortable.”

He sits down on the bed and rests his back against the wall. I move closer to him and rest my head against his chest. I don’t know why I trust him, but I do. I actually feel self conscious upon realizing I’m cuddling up to him, but I don’t care. I want to savor this for as long as it lasts and I pray to God that Hydra won’t succeed in erasing these particular memories from my mind the next time they put me into The Machine. 

0000

I must have dozed off, because the next time I wake up Clint is in the room, moving about. “Morning,” I whisper softly, careful not to wake Bucky yet. “What time is it? I have no idea.” Last night exhausted me too. 

“It’s ten in the morning, so relax. You’re allowed to sleep late. Tony called in. He’s on his way home, and I expect him back in a couple of hours. He didn’t exactly sound peachy.”

“Peachy?” I grin at Clint. He’s a rock; it doesn’t matter how difficult things get, I can always count on him to ground me. “Do I smell coffee?”

“Yeah, I reckoned you needed some. Rough night? I heard you move about and saw you on the roof. What happened?”

“He broke down. He doesn’t know how to handle his freedom and I don’t blame him. He’s been a prisoner of war for over seventy years.” Clint tidies the room and puts new water bottles onto the nightstand. “You make a cute nurse!”

“Well, I have plenty of experience, running a family. Someone’s always coming down with something.”

“Don’t you miss them? You don’t have to stay. I got this.” I don’t want Clint to stay on my account. “I appreciate you helping me bust him out, but…”

“Shut up,” Clint says and chuckles. “You need me at the moment and Laura knows that. She also knows I’ll always come back to her. Don’t go onto a guilt trip because of this.”

“Understood. So when do you plan on getting me that coffee and breakfast?”

“I’m not your housekeeper,” Clint quips, “But as you got your hands full, I’ll see what I can do.” 

He winks at me and leaves the room. I look at Bucky and grin at him. “You don’t fool me. When did you wake up?” Waking up with Bucky in my arms is the best thing in the world, and if it’s up to me, it will remain like that for the rest of my life. 

“A moment ago.” 

Bucky doesn’t seem inclined to move, which suits me just fine. “Did you get any decent sleep after I dragged you onto the roof?” Maybe he wants to talk about it and I want to give him the opportunity to do so. I never believed people when they said that talking helps, but it does. I also noticed that from watching Sam and his counseling sessions. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not right now. Maybe later.”

That sounds promising; he didn’t dismiss it right away. “You’re right. We should do breakfast first and then maybe take a shower or a bath?” We’re both beginning to smell. His eyes light up at hearing that. “Okay, we’ll do that, but first, we eat.” I don’t want to let him go, but I also want him to start moving again. I want him to explore the penthouse instead of hiding in here. This might be his safety zone, but I plan on expanding it. “Are you coming along?”

“Where are we going?” 

Bucky moves slowly and I can only guess that last night still haunts him. “Kitchen of course. That’s where the food is, and Clint too. I want you to get to know him. He’s a good friend.”

“Are you sure he’s not one of Hydra’s handlers?”

I can’t blame him for doubting that he’s free of Hydra. I’ll assure him time and time again if necessary. “I’m sure. Clint is a good guy, and he’s married. He has a cute daughter and his wife is expecting another baby. You’ll like him, if you give him a chance.” Clint probably is the easiest going of my friends and it’s a good idea to introduce them to each other. “Come on,” I urge him on and extend my hand so he can take it, if he wants that. He doesn’t disappoint me and quickly takes hold of it. Bucky seems to remember the way from last night and he’s no longer wobbly on his feet. He’s getting better – physically that is. Emotionally and mentally is a different matter completely. 

“Morning,” Clint says as he sees us enter the kitchen. “Sit down. Breakfast is almost ready.”

Bucky seems hesitant now that Clint is in the room with us and I pull him along. He eventually sits down and gives me a nervous look. Clint moves closer and pours coffee into my mug. I sigh appreciatively at the divine smell. 

“And what are you having?” Clint asks Bucky, who quickly lowers his head. “Coffee too?”

Time to intervene. “Can your stomach handle that?” Bucky nods, but gives me an uncertain look at the same time. “It’s okay, Clint.” Clint pours him some and I fix his coffee the way Bucky used to like it. I add three sugars and a royal amount of milk. After stirring it, I put it in front of him. “Just give it a try.” Bucky wraps his fingers around it and lifts the mug to his lips. He’s hesitant at first, but then sips again, obviously enjoying the taste of it. 

“It’s good.” He puts it down again and carefully studies his surroundings and then Clint. He might appear intimidated and submissive, but he’s still checking out the place. I’m thrilled that Hydra failed to break him. 

“What do you want to eat, Bucky?” 

Clint’s question takes him aback and he actually blushes slightly. He still has trouble making decisions, but that’s to be expected. Clint moves some bacon and eggs onto my plate and my mouth waters in anticipation. “Give him some bacon and eggs and then add extra bacon.” Bucky stole my bacon from me more than once when we were young. Whenever I wasn’t looking, he would dive in.

Clint adds a generous serving to his plate and then returns with toast, butter, orange juice, and a glass of milk for himself. “Aren’t you hungry?” I inquire while I eat breakfast. Bucky picks up his fork with his right hand, I register, and carefully looks at us before taking his first bite. He’s starting to trust me, good.

“I already ate. Nat and Sam came in earlier too.” Clint drinks his milk and picks at a slice of toast. “What are your plans for the day?”

“I’m not sure yet. A long, hot shower sounds like a good idea and then we’ll see what happens.” Bucky stays quiet, but I can tell he’s listening intently. I don’t expect him to get involved in the conversation, not at this point, but I hope he will grow more confident in time. 

“You should check out the swimming pool one floor down. It has a Jacuzzi, sauna, and comes supplied with towels, swimming trunks and everything else you might need.”

I like that idea. I love looking after Bucky, but I need to move. All this sitting about is getting to me and I should do something about it before I grow restless. “That sounds good, doesn’t it? What do you think, Bucky? Shall we give it a try?” I hope he likes the idea; getting some exercise would do him good too. 

“If that’s what you want.” Bucky shrugs. “I will tag along.” 

That answer satisfies me and I smile at him. Bucky grows quiet again and it takes him a while, but he empties his plate and then returns to sipping his coffee. He’s content listening to us and I’m more than content to just look at him.

0000

“Well, Clint didn’t exaggerate. This is quite the swimming pool.” It’s big and I wonder about the tower’s construction, but then again, this is Tony we’re talking about. He would figure out a way to have a swimming pool up here. Bucky stays quiet next to me, but I can tell that he’s studying the set up, looking for escape routes and possible dangers. I select two pairs of swimming trucks, all black, and hand one of them to him. “Let’s go change.” Bucky looks like he’s about to object, but then his shoulders sag forward and he follows me into the changing room. We make quick work of getting into the swimming trunks and head for the pool area. 

The water looks invitingly and I can’t wait to dive in. “Are you okay with this?” Bucky’s silence worries me. He nods, but still doesn’t speak. I sigh and remind myself to give him time. “Come on in then!” I reconsider jumping into the water and wade in instead. Bucky moves into the water as well, but seems hesitant. I know he can swim. Back then, he was the best swimmer around. “You can swim, don’t you?” I don’t know what kind of damage Hydra did, so I’d better make sure.

“Yes, I know how to swim.” 

“And the water won’t damage that arm, will it?” I didn’t think of that before. Metal and water usually don’t go well together. 

“The arm is fine. Water doesn’t damage it.” 

I hold my breath looking at Bucky moving deeper into the pool. He looks stressed, but I’m at a loss why. I keep a close eye on him while I take a swim. Bucky remains in the shallow end and doesn’t seem inclined to join me. I’ll let him do this at his own pace. I begin to swim laps, but don’t lose sight of him. It takes him some time before he finally moves into deeper water. I turn in the water and start to swim back to him when Bucky suddenly screams. 

Alarmed, I speed up and swim toward him. I don’t see him at first, as he disappeared beneath the water, but then I locate him. He’s struggling and appears to be drowning. “I’m on my way,” I call out to him, hoping he hears me. I have no idea what happened just now. It’s not even that deep over here. I grab him, but he fights me. His eyes are wide and his breathing is way too fast. I don’t know what’s going on, but he’s not registering my presence. He’s lost in his own world. I tighten my hold on him and try to move us to the shallow part of the pool, but Bucky keeps fighting me. All of a sudden he goes limp, looks at me – and sees me, really sees me – and comes back to life again. 

“Steve… Steve, I’ll get you out!” 

Bucky suddenly grabs hold of me in turn and swims to the edge of the pool. He pulls me from the water and stares at me in a daze. “I’m fine. You got me out. We’re both out of the water.” And suddenly it hits me; how could I have been so damn stupid? The last time Bucky was in the water was after we fought on the helicarrier. An explosion caused my fall and he must have jumped after me shortly afterwards. I remember being cold in the dark water and lacking the energy to swim to the surface. Then Bucky reached for me and dragged me onto the shore. He saved my life that day and he must have relived that whole scene when we went swimming. I really am stupid!

“You… You weren’t moving in the water… You were sinking fast and I had to get you out. I had to get you out of the water!” Bucky sounds and looks frantic.

“You did, you got us out. We’re fine. We’re alive, see?” I pull him into my arms and hold him. “I’m sorry. This is all my fault. I wasn’t thinking. Sorry for being stupid.” Bucky doesn’t speak; he‘s shivering all over. I just hold him, hoping his panic will pass.

0000

The water makes me restless. Although I pulled Steve from the lake and we’re safe, I can’t take my eyes of the water. It’s like I’m afraid Steve might slide back in and drown after all. Needing to confirm Steve is fine, my fingers close around his arm. He feels solid and I hear him breathing. He’s alive. He didn’t drown. I’m still trying to catch my breath, but some reason I can’t calm down. 

“Don’t look at the water, Bucky. Look at me instead.” 

Steve’s hands settle on either side of my head and he uses that hold to turn my face toward him. Just looking at him helps me get a grip on reality. Steve is here. He survived. He is here with me. “You didn’t drown…”

“I didn’t, you pulled me from the water. You saved my life, Buck. Thanks for that.”

I don’t know what’s going on. In my mind, there was a lot more water. It was deep, dark, and muddy. I didn’t give up though as I was determined to get him out of that lake. I don’t know why. I only remember I had to make sure he survived. Looking at the swimming pool, I blink. Where did the lake go? 

“What happened back there in the water?” Steve sounds worried.

“I don’t know…” I release him from my crippling hold and run a hand through my wet hair, which clings to my face. “I wasn’t in a swimming pool anymore. There was a lake and the water pulled you under. The sky was red and black, and I was falling.” If only things made sense! Am I remembering something? Did Hydra implant false memories in my mind? Or did I finally lose my sanity and did I hallucinate? “What’s happening to me?” I look to Steve for answers and pray he has some.

“You’re remembering your past, but only bits and pieces and that’s confusing.”

That makes sense. I know that I can’t rely on my memory. Hydra screwed with my brain too many times. Each time they put me into The Machine, I lost myself. “How can I remember any of this? I never met you before… or did I?” The thought terrifies me. With my memories being this hazy, I know the Winter Soldier must have been involved. “What did I do to you?”

“We had a little fight,” Steve says steadfast. “There was an explosion and it threw me off the helicarrier. You hung on, but then dropped into the water too.”

“We fought? I assaulted you?” Was Steve a target? Did Hydra order the Winter Soldier to kill him? Did I try to kill him?

“This is not the place for it.” Steve gets to his feet.

He pulls me upright, but doesn’t let go. He walks toward a couple of lounge chairs and pulls me along. He pushes me down and I sit down. A moment later, he wraps a large towel around me and pulls me against him. I’m not sure I should give in. What if I really tried to kill him? Thank God I failed!

Steve dries my face and hair using a different towel and I just sit there and stare at him. I really did it. I tried to kill him. Tatters of memories flash through my mind and I try to hold on, but they’re hard to grasp. “I tried to kill you. You were my mission.” My left hand turns into a fist, while my mind goes through the motions of beating up Steve all over again. “You didn’t fight back.”

“I’m your friend. Your best friend and I’m with you till the end of the line.”

His words echo in my mind over and over again; the timbre of his voice differs though – he said them many times in the past. Just how many times did he tell me that? “Please stop.” I cover my face with my hands and close my eyes. That only makes it worse though. Now there’s a short, skinny boy with blond hair and blue eyes making fun of me for taking all the stupid with me. “I can’t do this anymore!” 

“Just ride it out. It’ll get better, I promise.”

Steve takes me back into his arms and I go willingly. Pictures, faces, smells, touches, and words travel through my fractured mind and I let them go, unable to hold on long enough to understand what they mean. My thoughts eventually slow down and I sigh in relief. It was like being back in The Machine, but there wasn’t any pain this time. “What happened?” I ask, once I’ve settled down.

“I can only guess, but it seems your memory is coming back little by little.” 

He might be right. I do remember him from that time we fought on the helicarrier. “I’m sorry I hit you. You didn’t defend yourself. I couldn’t stop myself though.” Not until I thought I recognized him. I started to doubt my mission and couldn’t finish him off. Hydra made him my target and told me to kill him, but I couldn’t follow through because I knew him. “I’m like that when Hydra releases the Winter Soldier. I can’t control his actions.”

“I know that it wasn’t you that day. I don’t blame you.” 

I feel uncomfortable and pull away, creating some distance between us. I hold onto the large towel, for some reason feeling vulnerable now that Steve is looking at me like that. “Why don’t you hate me? I tried to kill you.” Did I try to kill him only that one time or is there more? I cringe, realizing we met before. Scenes of us fighting on some bridge lurk in the back of my mind. Steve wasn’t alone that day. He wasn’t my sole target. They also ordered the death of a red-haired woman. I was supposed to take them out and then report back to…”Pierce?” The name sounds familiar and I remember a face, cruel and cold – a politician working for Hydra. 

“You’re remembering quite a lot, aren’t you?” Steve tilts his head and nods encouragingly. “You remember Pierce too now?”

I lower my head and try to make sense of what’s happening inside my head. One face stands out – Pierce. “I hate him… He pulled me from the ice, put me back into The Machine, and wiped me. He sent me on a mission; I was to kill you and the Black Widow in the next ten hours. I tried… I tried to obey, but you made it difficult. And then… you called me Bucky and…” My eyes grow big and I try to remember the rest. “I had no idea who Bucky was and why you called me that.” 

I’m shaking violently, reliving Hydra pulling me back in and returning me to The Machine. “He wasn’t pleased I was asking him questions about you. I told him I remembered you and I wanted to know why that was. He told me that I met you on an earlier assignment, but I knew he was hiding something. There was more to it, but he refused to tell me. He knew their conditioning was wearing off and he put me back into The Machine. After that, I didn’t remember you until… until you broke my arm and dislocated my shoulder. The pain almost snapped me out of it. You refused to fight back on that helicarrier. I didn’t stop, did I? Fuck…” I stare at my metal arm in disgust, recalling hitting Steve over and over again.

“I survived…” Steve slowly reaches out.

He takes hold of my metal hand and clasps his fingers around it. I don’t dare move it, afraid I’ll end up hurting him again. “You shouldn’t touch me like that.”

“You won’t hurt me. You couldn’t finish me off on the helicarrier either. I’m not scared of you.”

“You should be.”

“That’s nonsense, Bucky, you’re my friend. Now, the Winter Soldier is a different story, but he won’t make a comeback. No one is going to put you into Hydra’s machine ever again. You don’t have to be scared about that – or him. The Winter Soldier belongs to the past.”

I’m not so sure about that. Hydra won’t give up. They’ll find a way to bring me back into the fold. “And what about the crimes I committed? I tried to kill you and your friends!”

“You remember Sam and Nat too, don’t you?”

“If those are their names, yes. We fought on that bridge.” 

“Yes, that was Sam and Nat in the car with me. You almost gave Sam a heart attack when you ripped out the steering wheel. He wasn’t expecting that.”

How can he laugh about something like that? “I could have killed you.”

“No, the Winter Soldier was trying to kill us. That wasn’t you. But you know what happens, don’t you, when he takes your place, I mean?”

“I know what happens when he’s in charge. I can’t stop him though.” I doubt I remember everything I’ve done. My memories only go back a few months and the Winter Soldier must have killed before that. I shiver, growing cold in more ways than one. I want out of here. The swimming pool keeps triggering memories of the lake and I feel chilled to the bone. “Can we go back to my room?”

“Yes, maybe that’s for the best.”

I’m happy he sees things my way. I try to hold onto my composure as best as I can, but the flashbacks keep coming; Pierce, The Machine, Siberia, the fight on the bridge, the exploding helicarrier; all those memories get tangled up and it’s giving me another headache.

“I’ve got you.”

I don’t know how many times he already said that, but I still need to hear it. 

0000

I don’t know how I ended up in my room, but I’m back in my bed and this time I’m alone. There’s no Steve holding me. I just have the blanket to keep me warm. I reach for a pillow and pull it against me, wrapping my arms around it. Maybe Steve finally got fed up with looking after me. Or he realized he shouldn’t care about an assassin like me. I can’t even blame him; that’s exactly what I am. That’s what Hydra made me into – the Winter Soldier -- a killer.

“Steve will be right back. I’m staying with you until he gets here. I trust you remember me? I’m Clint, we had breakfast together earlier.”

I thought I was alone and his voice takes me off guard. I fight down the urge to attack or run off. He sounds calm and looks composed. He’s fiddling with a book, which he places on his lap.

“I was reading as I had to pass time. You were out of it for at least thirty minutes. When Steve brought you in, you had fainted. I’m sorry that I suggested going for a swim. That brought back bad memories, Steve tells me.”

Lying down makes me feel at a disadvantage, but I’m too tired to move. Whatever happened back at the pool took a lot out of me. “It wasn’t your fault,” I tell him as I don’t want him to feel guilty about it. 

“Still, Steve and I should be more careful. Your memories coming back is a good thing, but we’re rushing you.”

I wonder where Steve is. Why did he leave me? Do I dare ask this guy, this Clint, what happened? I don’t have a choice if I want to know what’s going on. “Where is Steve?” He will tell me or he won’t. I’ll just have to see what happens.

“Tony returned and wanted to talk to Steve. Don’t worry, Steve will be back shortly.”

Tony… I feel like I should know the name, but my head feels too full right now with all these new memories trying to settle down. “Who’s Tony?” I shouldn’t have asked him that; I can tell by the odd look he’s giving me.

“You met Tony the other day.” Clint uncovers his phone and shows me the display. “Remember him?”

Looking at the newspaper clipping on the screen, I nod. “I have seen him before.” His picture was hanging from the wall in the corridor. “This is his home?” I think Steve said something like that. 

“Yeah, Stark Tower, although it doubles as the Avengers’ headquarters for the moment. His name is Tony Stark, he’s a good guy. A bit full of himself and stuck up, and did I mention arrogant?” 

He made me smile. As far as I can tell the three of them are good friends and if Steve trusts Clint and Stark, I’ll try to get along with them.

“So how are we going to kill time until Steve gets back? Do you play cards? Poker perhaps?” He uncovers a deck of cards and elegantly flips them. 

“I don’t think so. At least I don’t remember playing Poker before.”

“Ah, I’ll teach you. Just be glad you’re not playing with Sam.”

“Why is that?” I watch him fold the deck.

“Because he would probably make you play strip poker!”

TBC


	5. End of the Beginning part 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See prior notes.

Part 5

 

Tony’s expression means trouble. I haven’t known the guy for that long, but I quickly learned what that certain look means. Whatever he encountered in Siberia still upsets him. Instead of going for the coffee which I made earlier, he heads for the liquor cabinet and pours himself whisky. He downs it in one go and slams the glass back onto the cabinet. “Just tell me.” Maybe he needs a little encouragement to deliver the bad news.

“It’s not that easy,” Tony says and drops a ledger next to me on the couch. “It doesn’t make nice reading, believe me. It’s a pity you can’t get drunk. You might have wanted to after reading some of that.” Tony sits down opposite me on another comfortable couch.

“That bad?” I stare at the ledger, but am reluctant to touch it. 

“Yeah, I’m afraid so. Fuck, I need another drink!”

I gesture him to stay seated and pour him another whisky which I then hand him. Reluctantly I return to my couch – and the ledger. “What did you find?” I force myself to pick it up, but I keep it closed.

“Hydra found your buddy wandering along the shore where he pulled you out. His freedom barely lasted an hour. They shipped him off to Siberia to get him away from you. Hydra realized Barnes found a way to escape their mind control and they iced him at once. When we found him, he had been out of cryostatis for a little under an hour and they were prepping him for another mission, but this time Hydra didn’t want to take any chances. They wanted his utter obedience.” 

I don’t like the way this sounds. “What were they up to?”

“Except for wiping his mind? They wanted to recondition him and keep him under control by using ten words to trigger the Soldier. They thought that when he started to slip, they would just repeat the words and activate the Winter Soldier again and bury Barnes beneath the conditioning. We found him the moment they wanted to execute their little experiment. It would have strengthened their hold on him, but Hydra made a mistake; you can never control someone for one hundred percent; not when that person is already fighting back. Because that’s what Barnes was doing. Ever since meeting you on that bridge, Hydra noticed the change in him. Barnes asked Pierce about you, told him he knew you. Pierce didn’t like that one bit – his weapon was talking back to him.”

“And he ordered his mind erased as a result.” Bucky already told me this.

“Yes… but Barnes’ mind… It was wiped too many times. That machine still did its job, but it was losing effectiveness. That’s why they wanted to introduce the ten trigger words. It’s all in there – they kept a diary on your buddy.”

“That thing gives me the creeps.” I still can’t bring myself to touch it. “Can’t you keep it with you? I don’t want Bucky to find it accidentally.” Tony arches an eyebrow and it tells me I’ve been found out. “You’re right. I can’t touch the bloody thing.” Not yet anyway.

“I’ll keep it with me and look for more clues that will help us where Barnes is concerned.” Tony dangles his empty glass in front of me. “Refill please.”

I humor him, but also tell him, “Slow down. I don’t want you drunk.”

Tony sips his whisky and shrugs. “I make a bad drunk, I know that. Just ask Jarvis and Pepper. That’s why, these days, I stop when I get tipsy, which isn’t about to happen yet. You need to be careful around Barnes, Steve. That guy is a loose cannon.”

“No, he isn’t, but he IS beginning to remember his past. It’s fragmented and he doesn’t know what to make of it. That doesn’t make him dangerous; it just means he needs our support. Yours too, Tony. That arm of his… Can you check on it? He has sensation in it and I don’t know when Hydra checked on it last.” Tony stares at me in surprise. ”What is it?”

“He has sensation in his arm? His left arm? The metal arm?”

I chuckle slightly. “Yes, at least he says so. I know you need to maintain your suits. Maybe it’s the same thing with his arm.”

“Can you bring him over to my shop? I have the tools I need there.”

“When do you want to see us?”

“How about in an hour?”

“We can do that.” I move the ledger over onto Tony’s couch and feel better the moment it’s no longer close to me. “It’s just like Hydra to record everything and to use it to humiliate him.”

“I didn’t know much about Hydra until you came along,” Tony admits and drinks the rest of his whisky. “But the things I learned so far makes me puck.”

I rise from the couch and walk toward the doorway. “I need to check on Bucky. Clint is looking after him and I don’t know how Bucky will react when he finds me gone.”

“Clint makes a great babysitter. I know that. Pepper made him look after me a couple of times, so don’t worry.” 

“I do worry, Tony. Bucky means a lot to me.”

“Ah, yes, I remember what it’s like to be in love. Get going then!”

I’m about to reprimand him and tell him that I’m not in love with Bucky, but then I stop. It’s the truth; I AM in love with him. I’ve been in love with Bucky forever. “We’ll drop by in an hour then.” Tony shoos me out of the room and returns to the liquor cabinet. I didn’t think he would take this so badly and can’t help but wonder what he isn’t telling me.

0000

I stand in the doorway and take in the scene with amusement. Clint convinced Bucky to play poker, and normally Clint never loses. He’s quick with those cards and even faster with his fingers, but it looks like he’s losing now. And maybe he has been losing for a while, judging by the frown on his face. Bucky, on the other side, is smiling and enjoying himself and I know why. Even back then, Bucky was great with cards. I never found out his tricks, but I know he cheats. 

“I can’t believe this! Except for the first three games, you won each and every one,” Clint says, but he’s a good sport and smiles at Bucky. “How do you do it? I know you’re cheating!”

I hope Bucky doesn’t feel offended by that statement, but he merely grins at Clint. 

“It takes one to know one. You cheat too.”

I chuckle and the sound makes Bucky look at me. “That’s true, you know. You both cheat. However, I do think Bucky is better at it!” I walk over to the bed and sit down at the foot end. “Don’t stop on my accord!” But Clint’s already slipping the cards into a pocket. 

“It’s no fun when he wins the entire time.” But Clint gives Bucky a wink at the same time. “We’ll talk later. It was nice to spend time with you, Barnes.” Clint smiles on his way out.

“You made another friend.” I turn toward him and study him. Bucky looks calm and relaxed. Clint has that sort of effect on people and I should thank him later for grounding Bucky. “He likes you.”

“I like him too,” Bucky whispers in a barely audible voice. “It’s good to have you back.” He quickly looks away and blushes slightly. 

“I had to talk to Tony.” I’m not going to tell Bucky any details though. “He wants to see us in an hour so he can check on your arm.”

“My arm? What for?” Bucky frowns.

“Doesn’t it need to be maintained?” Maybe I made a mistake?

“Yes, it does, but mostly after I was in a fight. It’s functioning all right.”

“All right isn’t perfectly. We’ll see Tony and make sure your arm is fine, yes?” Bucky simply nods and I sigh in relief. For one moment I was afraid he was going to put up a fight.

0000

I’m only doing this because Steve asked me to. Stepping into Tony’s ‘shop’ as Steve calls it, causes me to shiver. It reminds me of Hydra’s workplace in more ways than one. The only difference is the loud rock music filling the space. Stark looks up, sees us, and gestures for us to approach. I stay behind Steve, reckoning I can get away faster that way.

“Jarvis, kill the music!” Stark says as he removes some dirt and oil from his hands with a towel.

“How do you wish me to kill it, sir?”

“Just lower the volume, Jarvis.” Stark rolls back his eyes and drops the dirty towel onto the floor. A robot moves in, picks it up, and… “Dum-E, not there, that’s…” The robot drops the towel into a barrel filled with some sort of black liquid. “Motor oil,” Stark finishes. He shakes his head and draws in a deep breath. “Counting to ten, counting to ten…”

I don’t know what to make of the guy and give Steve a questioning look, but he just smiles back at me. Steve thinks we’re safe, so I have to relax – a little, if possible. 

“Ah, there you are. Welcome to the shop! Just ignore Dum-E and U…” 

I have no idea what he’s talking about, but then I register the two robots moving forward. One of them is equipped with a camera and records everything. The other robot checks out my arm, which I pull tightly against me. I don’t like it when someone pries.

“You still remember me, Barnes?” 

Stark moves toward me, takes my right hand, and shakes it rather enthusiastically. I suppress the urge to push him away; he’s too close for me to feel comfortable and he’s triggering my instincts. “I remember you.”

“Uh, judging from your tone that isn’t a good thing!” 

Stark, however, doesn’t seem concerned. Instead he studies my arm and my response is to hide it from view.

“Jarvis, scan that arm, will you. Analyze it. Search for weak spots, anything that demands my attention - the way we discussed earlier.” 

“Scanning, sir.”

Stark turns toward his monitors and studies the readings. I still look in amazement at the 4D hologram hovering in the center of the room. It’s the first time ever I see my arm like that – in detail, in absolute minute detail.

“Hum, I didn’t expect that… Figures… How did they do that? Ah, like that… Amazing!”

I move closer to Steve and look at him. “What’s going on? Why is he talking to himself like that?”

“He’s like that most of the time. You’ll get used to it.” 

Steve takes my right hand in his and my nerves settle down. I still don’t want to be here. The smells remind me too much of being in The Machine. 

“We only need to fix some minor problems, but we had better do it now before things deteriorate. Have a seat, will you? Dum-E, get me my tools.”

Stark gestures toward a chair and I freeze as it brings back memories of being strapped into The Machine. They restrained me so I couldn’t move about in that chair. 

“What’s wrong?” 

Steve sounds worried and I don’t blame him. I’m tense and ready to punch myself a way out of this. “Are you going to restrain me to that chair?” Because if they do, I can’t vouch for my actions. I might harm someone. I don’t want to be restrained ever again. 

“No, why would we restrain you?” Stark appears, being closely followed by one of his robots. “I’m going to fix some minor issues with your arm and if you want to get up, you can. Just tell me before you move.”

That should reassure me, but it doesn’t. “I’m not sure I can do this,” I tell them. My body might be standing in Stark’s shop, but my mind is back in Siberia. I remember them leading me to The Machine, making me sit down, and restraining me. I tried to fight them off in the beginning, but I always lost that fight, so in the end, I just let them do as they pleased. “I don’t want to go back into The Machine. There’s too much pain…”

“You’re not in Siberia, Bucky.” Steve turns me toward him, so I have to look at him. “You’re in Manhattan, New York. You’re at the Stark Tower and we’re going to fix your arm on your terms. Tony, can you do this with him standing up?”

“Sure, he doesn’t have to sit down. I merely thought it would be easier on him.” 

“Can we compromise? You let Tony work on your arm and we’re going to stand here like this?”

“I might be able to do that.” I’m not sure though. I can’t control my mind and the flashbacks keep reminding me of what happened inside that Machine. I stare at Steve and hold onto him while Stark gets started on the arm. This feels like being back with Hydra, but I know my mind is trying to deceive me. I’m not in Siberia, I’m in Manhattan, and it’s not Hydra working on the arm, it’s Stark. I was alone back then, but I’m not alone today. Steve is here with me. I do my best to lock out any sounds and smells that remind me of being with Hydra and just look at Steve. 

“Done… Told you, it was just minor details. That arm is as good as new!” 

Stark sounds chipper, but I hear the underlying tension in his voice. 

“Did you hear that? You’re done and you did well!” 

Steve pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly. I don’t know how to react to that as I feel restrained. “Please let me go.” Right now, Hydra is very close. He releases me at once and gives me a concerned look. “I need a moment,” I tell them and turn away. I need some privacy. I need to recompose myself. What I need most of all is to get out of here. My fear gets the upper hand and I run from the shop, down the corridor, desperately trying to find my way back to my room. 

“What are you waiting for? Go after him!” Stark’s voice echoes from behind me and then Steve starts to run after me.

“Bucky, wait for me!”

I can’t stop running though and continue down one corridor and into the next. I need to find my room. I feel safe there! 

“Bucky, stop!”

Steve suddenly appears next to me, grabs hold of my right arm, and forces me to stop. I want to break loose, but the last thing I want is to hurt him, so I keep still. I’m done with hurting people. “Please, I need to go back to my room. I can’t do this.”

“I’ll take you there,” Steve promises. “Just calm down. Look at me. You’re fine. You’re safe. Hydra can’t hurt you here. You’re safe with me.”

My panic resides, but I stay nervous. “I was back in Siberia… The smells… the sounds… it…”

“You suffered a flashback, we get that. It will probably happen again, but please, don’t run away again. In your panic you might not look closely enough and end up running through a window and falling from the building.”

“I don’t have that much control over it,” I explain. “I had to get out of there at all cost. I will never go back to Hydra. I’d rather die first.”

“They’ll never get to you, Buck, but please, don’t run away again. You scared me.”

I did? I don’t want that. “I’m sorry.” I don’t want to worry him. “I’ll be more careful, but I can’t make any promises. I told you before; I’m erratic and unpredictable. Letting me out of my cell is a bad idea.”

“It’s not your cell, but I get what you’re saying.”

We start to walk again and this time I recognize the corridor we’re in. My room is just around the corner. “I can’t do this, Steve.”

“Yes, you can, but like always, I’m pushing you when I should slow down instead.” Steve opens the door to my room. “I owe you another apology.”

I grow calmer the moment I step into the room and head for the window. The sun’s still out and there are only a handful of clouds. It must be a warm day, but I wouldn’t know, being inside. I wouldn’t survive out there on my own. I have no idea how to stay alive in a city like this – I lack the necessary skills. Hydra kept me locked away and I don’t count the missions they sent the Winter Soldier on. I was under constant supervision, my every move watched. My only task was to take out the target. I am at a loss. What do I do? 

Unexpectedly arms lock around me from behind and Steve pulls me against his chest. The move triggers my survival instincts, but I don’t lash out. I force myself to stay put. Steve isn’t a threat; he’ll never hurt me and I won’t repay him by beating him up. I have to control these homicidal tendencies! Steve probably realizes what happened as he loosens the embrace, he doesn’t release me though. “You shouldn’t do that,” I caution him.

“Well, you always accused me of doing stupid things. I can’t stop now, Buck.”

Something in his voice triggers my memory. Suddenly I’m standing in an alley, pulling a bully away from Steve, who is doing his best to defend himself, but being that short and scrawny, he’s bound to lose. An asthma attack throws him off balance and he ends up on his skinny ass. I throw some punches, deliver some mean kicks, and sent the guy running down the alley. 

“Steve!” I turn toward my best friend and pull him to his feet, holding him while he’s wheezing, sneezing, and coughing, trying to get some air into his longs. “Stop doing stupid things like that,” I scold him, at which he gives me the evil eye. He doesn’t succeed in pulling it off though. He sways and I pull him into my arms, carrying him out of the alley and back home. That’s where the memory stops and I’m back in my room. Steve moves in front of me and shakes me lightly.

“Bucky, what’s going on?”

“Flashback,” I whisper, still trying to deal with what I just witnessed. “You were shorter back then… way shorter and with no meat on your bones. Why did you go after that bully? You even had another asthma attack. I told you not to do that. You always get beaten up!” I blink, recap what I just said, and cringe. What the hell is happening to me?

“Well, it’s been a while since you whooped my ass for doing something stupid like that. You might find it harder to intimidate me these days. Not that it worked back then either.”

“Were you really that short and skinny?” I find it hard to believe that this is the same person. 

“Yeah, I was. Erskine’s serum changed that.”

“Serum?” He lost me again. 

“Let’s sit down for this.” 

Steve sits down on the bed and I take a seat next to him. My discomfort is gone. I feel totally relaxed around him and I wouldn’t feel confined if he hugged me right now. 

“I tried to enroll for the army, but they didn’t want me. As you said, too short, too skinny, bad immune system, asthma, and a dozen more ailments I’m not going to list. They didn’t want me.”

“Did you use false names to unroll?” Something tugs at my memory.

“Several. I was trying my luck again when Erskine found me. To make a long story short, he wanted to test his super soldier serum on me. And it worked, I ended up like this.” 

“But there’s more…” I’m doing my hardest to remember, but there’s a dark hole where my memories used to be. “I can’t remember.”

“Don’t force it. Let it come back in its own time.” 

“I probably should… Steve? How long have we known each other? These scenes I witnessed… I was wearing a old-fashioned military outfit. They aren’t recent, are they?” Although some memories are coming back, I still miss huge chunks of information. I feel afloat, without a real past. 

“That happened before you left to fight the Nazi’s, some seventy years ago. We’re close to one hundred years, the two of us.”

I need a moment to process that. I was alive during world war two? I fought Hitler’s troops?

“We should stop, you look lost. We’ll discuss this later. Maybe you should deal with what you learned today before we take on more of your past?”

I think that’s a good idea. I have so much to think about. “But you’re staying, aren’t you?” I grab hold of his hand, and only belatedly realize I used my left arm. I begin to pull back, but Steve holds on instead. “I don’t want to accidentally hurt you,” I explain.

“You won’t and I don’t break that easily.”

He might be right, but still. “That arm is a dangerous weapon.”

“Only if you choose to use it against me and I know you won’t.”

“You shouldn’t put such trust in me.”

“How can’t I? I know you. You’re my best friend and you’d never hurt me. I know that. Our fight on the helicarrier proved that and you got me out of the water. I have faith in you, Bucky.”

Gingerly I look at him and nod. I will do my best to live up to his expectations.

0000

“Are you guys joining us for dinner?” Clint pops his head around the door.

“What do you say? It’s up to you, Bucky.” 

I can’t deny I’m hungry. Dinner sounds good, but, “Who is us?” I need to know who I’m up against. I ignore the odd look Steve gives me. 

“Us being Tony and me.”

I consider the invitation. I might be handle to handle them. “No one else?” I’m not in the mood for surprises.

“It’s just the four of us, promise,” Clint says and smiles. “I take it that’s a yes?”

Steve also gives me a hopeful look. He’s probably hungry too. “Fine then.” Steve rises from his chair and gets to his feet. He once more extends his hand in invitation and I take hold of it. Hand in hand, we make our way down the corridor and into the kitchen where several delicious smells instantly make my mouth water. 

“What are we having?” Steve asks as he sits down at the kitchen table. 

I quickly occupy the chair next to him before anyone can sit down and separate us. 

Tony is having some white wine and eyes the pan wearily. “Looks like spaghetti Bolognese.” 

As long as it’s edible I’m fine with that. Clint is obviously the cook as he gets busy and drains the pasta. Tony nurses his wine and sips occasionally. The mood is strangely relaxed; I didn’t expect that.

“I heard you liked the view from the terrace,” Stark says as he sits down opposite Steve. “Maybe you’ll like the sunset too.”

“Maybe.” I quickly look at Steve to find out what he thinks of that suggestion. 

He seems agreeable to it, as he smiles back at me. “We can do that. I like that idea myself. It’s been a while since I enjoyed a sunset.”

“That’s decided then! You’re enjoying a romantic sunset. I’ll bring the wine!”

I ignore Stark as I don’t know how to react to that. Clint puts a plate with spaghetti Bolognese in front of me and Steve moves the grated cheese toward me. I put some of it on the pasta and wait for the others to get their food. Once everyone’s fine, I start to eat. It’s still an odd experience for me. Hydra never bothered with tasty and filling food. I eat slowly as I want to savor the experience. It tastes good, Clint is a fine cook, but then again, I’m easily satisfied.

“Want some wine?” Stark asks and moves the wine bottle over to my glass.

“No,” I say and place my right hand above the glass so he can’t pour any. I don’t think alcohol is good for me. I have a hard time reining in my emotions as it is. “Not for me.”

“I’m going to pass too,” Steve says. 

I hope he’s not doing that because of me. I finish the pasta and feel full. I almost forgot what it’s like to eat meals regularly. I was never out of cryo for long enough to start eating on a regular basis.

“Who’s up for dessert?” Clint removes our empty dishes and gives us expectant looks. 

Steve nods, so I follow his example. I have no idea what kind of dessert he’s taking about.

“I hereby present to you Lauren’s favorite; Death by chocolate!” Clint removes several plates from the fridge and puts them in front of us.

It’s a huge piece of chocolate cake and I never expected that. I don’t even know if I like chocolate. 

“You’ll love this,” Steve predicts as he’s the first to dig in.

I pick up my fork and give the chocolate cake a try. He’s right, damn it, I love it. I finish the piece in no time and am the first to clean my plate. 

“You always had a sweet tooth,” Steve quips and finishes his slice as well.

Eating that much makes me sluggish. I don’t feel like taking part in their conversation and just listen to them. I still can’t believe how much my life has changed. A few days ago I was still Hydra’s possession and today I’m staying with friends.

0000

“Enjoy yourselves, kids. I’ll see you later!”

Stark shows us to a comfortable bench on the roof and then leaves us. I sit down and look at the setting sun. I feel utterly lazy; partly due to dinner, and because of Steve settling down next to me and sharing his body warmth with me. I move closer and he promptly wraps an arm around me. After resting my head against his shoulder, I take in the golden glow that surrounds the sun. The sense of freedom that comes with the warm light is overwhelming. “I don’t want this moment to ever end,” I whisper, feeling completely happy. 

“I can’t promise you that, but I can promise you to come here as often as we can.”

That promise means the world to me and it is enough for me.

TBC


	6. End of the Beginning part 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See prior notes.

Part 6

“Where are we going? This isn’t the way back to my room.” I memorized the route and Steve is taking me in the opposite direction. 

“I just need to get some stuff from my apartment. Maybe even water the plants. Do you mind?”

“No.” Until now I didn’t even realize that he had his own place here. It makes sense though if this is their headquarters. I wonder what his apartment looks like. We get there five minutes later; the vastness of the building still amazes me. 

“It won’t take a minute. Just make yourself comfortable.” Steve opens the door, steps inside, and beckons me to follow.

I cautiously give the place a look over before I head for the comfortable chair beneath the window. I sit down and Steve starts collecting his stuff, opening closets and drawers, and eventually disappearing into the bathroom. Now that I’m alone I take my time to study the room. It’s large and features mostly windows – I’m sensing a theme here. He has a lot of plants and they seem to be prospering. That doesn’t surprise me; Steve managed to save several of my plants too back in the days. I always forgot to water them. 

“Why are you grinning? What’s so damn amusing?” Steve stands in the doorway and chuckles softly. 

Feeling a tad bashful, I shrug. “Just remembered the cactuses you gave me after my plants died because I forgot to water them.” I moved out at a young age, secured my own place by working two jobs, and Steve spent most of his time there instead of at his own place. “One of them had red flowers on top.” It’s a fond memory, a good memory, and one I welcome back. It provides a tiny light in the darkness that surrounds it. 

“Ah yes, your plants. The poor things never stood a chance!” 

I didn’t think I’d be able to relax, but this room has Steve’s character written all over it. Continuing my exploration, I encounter a large, framed picture hanging over the desk. I tilt my head, trying to get a better look at it, and no, my eyes aren’t deceiving me, it’s an old one. I walk over to the desk and look at it from up close. It’s the two of us; Steve in his Captain America outfit and me showing off my sniper rifle. We’re both smiling, but my smile doesn’t quite reach my eyes. They’re shadowed, already haunted by what Hydra did to me. 

“Do you remember that?”

Steve does that thing again and embraces me from behind. I told him not to do that, but he never listened before so he won’t start now either. I need a moment to get used to the feel of him behind me and focus on the picture in an effort to distract myself. “Maybe… A lot of it is still hazy.”

“Do you remember Dum Dum? Jacques, and the other guys?”

The names make me frown. I feel like I should know them, but they don’t ring a bell. “I’m afraid not.” Maybe some memories are too far gone for me to retrieve. “Who are they?”

“Our friends. We formed the Howling Commandos. We took out as many of Hydra’s agents as we could. We were quite successful at it. You always had a sharp eye and you were the best sniper around.”

Hearing that doesn’t surprise me. Hydra preferred me to take out my targets with a bullet to the head. “It’s hard to believe I’m that old. I never thought I fought in the second world war.”

“Well, cryo does that to people.”

Which reminds me… I have some questions too. I turn around in the embrace, which Steve refuses to break, and look at him. At times, I see the sickly kid instead of the man Steve is today. “What happened to you? Shouldn’t you be old and grey too? Why are you still young?”

“Ah that…” Steve moves closer.

I fight the urge to break free of his embrace. I still have trouble allowing anyone this close to me. Even if that person is Steve. 

“I ended up crashing a plane into the ice. I took out the Red Skull and crossed his plans, but it meant going down along with the plane. You know what I’m like. I had to stop Hydra.”

“And what happened then?”

“Scientists found me. They dug me out of the ice and I ended up with Shield. Once I realized what had happened, I had a hard time adjusting. I thought that I had lost everyone, but then I found out that Peggy was still alive, but she had grown old. She died recently.”

“I’m sorry about that.” I vaguely remember a feisty brunette. 

“They opened a Captain America exhibition, and one day, I decided to check it out. It has a lot of our old stuff – even your original rifle. You’re a hero these days.”

“I’m no hero.” I step out of the embrace and Steve lets me go. I walk over to the bed and sit down. Feeling miserable, I stare at my left arm. “I don’t know what I am, but I’m not a hero. I did terrible things. I killed people – innocent people. I tried to kill you and your friends.”

“We don’t blame you, Bucky. We know it was Hydra, not you. That’s why you’re here today and not in some prison cell. Hydra belongs in prison, you don’t. You need to recover from what they did to you.”

“You make it sound so simple, but it’s much more complicated. I pulled the trigger. I’ve killed in more ways than you can imagine.”

“Do you remember those kills?”

“The Winter Soldier is a part of me. Whatever he does, I know about it too. So yes, I remember killing innocent people. I killed women too, Steve.”

Steve draws in a deep breath. “Don’t do that. Don’t carry that burden. It wasn’t you. I understand that these memories cause you pain, but please, don’t let them drag you down. You’re not an evil person, Bucky. You always fought the good fight and I need you to keep doing that. Don’t give up on yourself, for I never will.”

He means well, I know that. But I’m still a killer. “Steve…” I look at him and wonder how he can still believe in me. “I’m not worth all this.”

“No, I don’t agree. You ARE worth all this. And I will continue to fight as long as you’re at my side. I need you, Buck. Don’t you know that…” 

Steve suddenly stops. I don’t know what he wanted to say, but he obviously reconsidered. “It’s fine, Steve. I know what I am… Please don’t think you need to help me because of our shared past. The murders I committed–“

“Just let me finish, will you? You’re making this even more difficult! I never planned on telling you like this… I’m going to screw up, I just know it.”

Why is Steve acting all jittery all of sudden? He’s nervous as hell, but why? “Steve…” But he cuts me short once again. Whatever he wants to say, it is very important to him.

“I’m not doing this because we used to be friends over seventy years ago! I’m doing this because… because I’ve been in love with you forever!” Steve nibbles on his bottom lip and gives me a hesitant smile. “I’m still in love with you, Buck.”

His admission hits me unexpected. We always were close and I did wonder about his feelings in the past, but I never brought the matter up. Looking back, maybe I should have, but I was too much of a coward to do so. I need to handle this very carefully. The thing is, I don’t know what to do – or say.

“Bucky? I don’t expect you to feel the same way about me, but I do want you to know why I’m doing this. I love you, it’s as simple as that. When I found out you were still alive and what Hydra had done to you, I… I lost it. Ask Sam if you don’t believe me.”

“I believe you. I know what you’re like.” My hands shake and I wish I knew what to do. “Steve… this isn’t easy on me either.” I never thought he would bring up his feelings.

“As I said before, it’s fine if you don’t feel the same way about me. I’ll survive. Just having your friendship is enough for me.”

“Now, will you shut up too? I’m trying to say something!” I can’t bear to look at him and stare at our joined hands instead. When did he claim both my hands? That sneaky bastard…

“Bucky?”

I gather my courage and look him in the eye. I owe him nothing less. “The feeling IS mutual. I fell in love with you back then too. I never said anything though. I had the feeling you liked me back, but you know what things are like. We would have been the laughing stock and that is putting it mildly. They would have shunned us, locked us out.” Steve’s eyes widen and he moistens his lips because he wants to say something, but I shake my head at him. “No, Steve. And that’s exactly why I can’t allow for this to happen now either. You’re a hero. You’re Captain America. Do you really think your friends will accept you being gay? And in love with a criminal? I know what people are like. You need to keep up appearances.”

“But times have changed!” Steve objects. “Sure, there are still a lot of bigots out there, but the community is much more accepting when it comes down to gay relationships. You have been locked away and don’t know the way the world has changed. Don’t deny us this because you’re worried about what the public might think. Screw the public as far as I’m concerned.”

“Your mother would tell you to watch your language.” I didn’t expect his passionate outburst. “You need to consider this very carefully, Steve, you—“ He moves quickly, too quickly for me to act on and it’s already too late at any rate. His lips press against mine and the kiss is everything I ever hoped it would be, but I can’t have it. 

“Steve,” I breathe the name against his lips and he pulls away ever so slightly – he’s still close enough to continue kissing me though. “You shouldn’t do this. I’m trouble. My mind is a mess and I can’t control my actions. I’m dangerous. You don’t want me close all the time. Even less, you don’t want your friends to know about me.” Steve turns a lovely shade of red, which makes me frown. “What stupid thing did you do now?”

“Nothing really. They figured it out themselves.”

God grant me patience! “What did they figure out?”

“That I love you. Tony knows, Clint knows, and Sam and Nat probably know by now because the other two told them.”

I shake my head disapprovingly. “You really need to learn to hide—“ Steve does it again. The kiss is still chaste, but I can tell he wouldn’t mind going for second base. “Stop it,” I tell him and move away from him.

“Why? Just give me one good reason!”

I know that tone. He always uses it when he wants me to see things his way. “I still think this is stupid.”

“Well, since I excel at doing stupid things, it’s perfect. Give us a chance, Buck.”

“It goes against my better judgment. I’m still trying to make sense of my life and now you…”

“I did it again, didn’t I?” Steve looks contrite, but I don’t buy it. “I went too fast.”

“Yes.” What can I possibly say to change his mind? “Steve…”

“Don’t, you’re not going to sway me. I want this. I want you. I waited my entire life for this moment.”

What Steve wants, Steve gets. If he wants me, I can just as well give up. “This is wrong.”

“No, it is right! It’s absolutely right! We belong together. Even Tony thinks so.”

“You never take the easy way out, do you?” Steve always hunted down bullies even if he got his ass kicked in turn. He’s a blood hound when it comes down to the things he believes in. “Do me a favor? Keep this private for now? I don’t want them to know – not yet anyways.” Maybe Steve will realize how much trouble I am and he’ll get fed up with me. I’ll always have his friendship, I know that, but being lovers is a different matter. 

0000

Bucky seems relaxed in spite of me proclaiming I love him. He’s lying on the bed, looking at an old photo album which Shield managed to return to me. Many of those pictures feature him or both of us. I lie down next to him, move onto my side, and possessively drape my arm across his abdomen. He arches an eyebrow, but allows it, and doesn’t comment on it. I can’t help staking my claim; he’s mine. “Would you mind spending the night here instead of heading back to the medical ward? I’d love to sleep in my own bed tonight.” I turn on the puppy dog look which always worked in the past and I can tell the exact moment his resistance melts away.

“If it means that much to you.” Bucky places the album onto the nightstand and turns onto his side so we’re facing each other.

I like this even better. I shift closer, drape my leg across his thigh, and rest my hand at the small of his back. I’m not sure how he’ll react to that. Much depends on the mood he’s in. I can’t imagine what it must be like for him, to live with such a fragmented memory. “Is this okay?” Bucky gives me an amused look and I sigh in relief. 

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say you’re staking your claim. Have you always been this possessive?”

“I didn’t have a chance to show that character trait off in the past so I need to make up for it.” I remind myself not to pressure him though. I need to take it slow. “Just tell me off when I push you too far.”

“Steve?”

Bucky’s fingers comb through my hair. It’s his right hand though; he’s still reluctant to touch me using his left hand. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. “Yes?” I cup his face in the palm of my hand and just look at him. A part of me still finds it hard to believe that this is really happening. 

“Are you sure you want to take me on? You’ve seen what I’m like. I ran off when we were in Stark’s shop and I beat you up on that helicarrier.”

“That no longer counts; what happened on the helicarrier,” I explain at seeing his puzzled look. “You were under Hydra’s influence. I’ve long forgiven you for that. And you didn’t finish me off, Buck. You could have killed me – mission accomplished, but you couldn’t do it. That should tell you something.”

“Maybe…” He doesn’t sound convinced though.

“And about what happened in Tony’s shop… I know you suffer from flashbacks and I’m careful around you when that happens. I don’t think you’ll ever hurt me. You might end up hurting yourself though.”

“You might be right about that. Promise me to remain careful though.”

“I promise. Maybe we should get some sleep now? I’ll wake you if you suffer from any nightmares. Will you do the same thing for me?”

“Of course!” Bucky even sounds a little offended. 

“I didn’t doubt that.” I shamelessly cuddle up to him, abuse him as my pillow, and sigh appreciatively once his familiar scent registers with me. “I missed you…” His presence lulls me into relaxation. “Can’t keep my eyes open…”

“You don’t have to. Go to sleep, Steve.”

I love the role reversal. I close my eyes and feel at peace. Bucky is in my arms, in my bed, and he loves me. What more can I wish for?

0000

“Intruder alert, intruder alert.”

The mechanical voice wakes me up at once. I expected Hydra to move sooner or later, but not this soon. “Buck, stay here.” I jump to my feet, grab my shield, and head for the doorway. “Lock the door behind me and stay put!” He looks like he’s about to protest and I can’t have that. “Just do it, damn it!” I close the door behind me and pray he does as he’s told. Otherwise I’ll worry about him and I will be of little use to my teammates.

I walk into Clint, who almost fires an arrow at me. “What’s happening?”

“Someone managed to get into the building, but they got stuck on the fourth floor. Jarvis noticed them and locked down the floor. They can’t get out.”

“Hydra?” It has to be!

“Probably,” Nat says as he rounds the corner. “Where’s Barnes?”

“I told him to stay in my apartment. Let’s hope he stays there!”

“If it’s really Hydra,” Sam says as he joins us, “they won’t leave without him. Dead or alive.”

“I know that, so what are we waiting for? Where’s Tony?” 

Suddenly Jarvis’ voice echoes down the corridor. “Mister Stark is currently on the fourth floor and I’m registering energy blasts. He instructed me to tell you that he’s taking care of business and that no one wrecks his tower besides himself.”

“Great! Now we got Tony on the loose as well!” 

“The elevators aren’t working,” Sam tells us. “We need to take the stairs.”

“Shouldn’t someone stay behind just in case Barnes decides to get involved?”

Nat is probably right. I can’t put it past Bucky to want to help.

“I’ll do it,” Clint offers. “I’ll stay. Take care of those intruders.”

“Thanks, Clint.” I’m glad he’s going to keep an eye on Bucky and run down the stairs, with Sam and Nat closely following me. When we get to the fourth floor, the battle seems to have already been fought. I count five victims and I’m not sure they’re still breathing. Tony armored up and Iron Man walks up to us. “What happened? Are they Hydra’s?”

“Judging by their outfit, I’d say yes.” Tony’s mask slides away and reveals his face. “Look at this.”

“Hydra,” I hiss, identifying the symbol on their vests and guns. “Damn!”

“They didn’t get far, Cap,” Tony says reassuringly. “I told you – the tower is safe.”

“But they still got inside!”

“Because I told Jarvis to let them in. We might want to question them.”

“Are you telling me they’re still alive?” 

“Unfortunately for them I only stunned them. We need to be quick about it though. Shield already knows what happened and is probably on the move.” Tony gestures toward the cameras. “Shield found a way to tap into them some time ago and I was too lazy to do something about it. Now it has come back to bite me in the ass.”

“Let me.” Nat moves forward and plants her boot in the man’s sternum. The agent wakes up and glares at her. I want to get involved, but her expression tells me not to. I know she’s good at what she does, so I step back. She suddenly hits him, pries his mouth open, and knocks out some teeth in process. One of them falls onto the floor and hisses, releasing its deadly poison. 

“No way out for you now,” she taunts him. “You had better tell us what we want to know.”

“I never will!” the Hydra agent snarls.

“Oh, you might want to reconsider that.” Nat starts to choke him and he’s already fighting for breath. “What are you doing here? Who’s the target? What’s the mission!” The agent taps the floor, signaling his surrender and she loosens her hold slightly. “Tell us, if you want to live.”

“We want him back. The Winter Soldier! He belongs to us! He’s Hydra’s! You don’t have the right—“

“I’ve heard enough,” she announces and returns to her former choke hold. ”Don’t worry, Cap,” she says, addressing me. “I’ll stop once he passes out.”

I know she will. Her killing days are over. “So they’re here for Bucky.” Sam and Tony drag the unconscious agents into a secured room. “We need to be careful. Now that Hydra knows he’s here and they failed to get to him… They’ll try again and they’ll be better prepared.”

“They can try,” Tony says, “But they’ll fail. After this I’ll raise security and let some suits patrol the building. Hydra’s bound to fail.”

I believe him. Tony knows what he’s doing, but am I willing to take such a risk?

0000

I understand why Steve told me to stay put, but I hate it. I can fight – I think. I honestly don’t know how I will react while facing Hydra. I might freeze, I might beat the hell out of them. But this way I’m not going to find out. I feel torn; should I stay in the apartment or help? The door suddenly opens and my heart goes a million beats a minute. I got my answer after all, I’d rather run and hide than face them!

“Don’t shoot, it’s just little old me! Laura won’t like it if I get back with even more scares! Where are you, Barnes? Ah, there you are.”

It’s only Clint. I feel embarrassed realizing just how relieved I am it’s him and not Hydra. My reaction just now proves I’m in no way ready to face Hydra. They’d drag me off without me putting up a fight. I’d be too fucking terrified.

“Steve probably left in a hurry and didn’t explain a thing!” Clint moves into the room and sits down beneath the window.

I don’t like being in bed with him in the room and get to my feet. Thankfully I’m still dressed as neither of us was ready to sleep skin on skin. I walk over to the dresser and switch on the lamp there. I’ll always detest the dark. Too many shadows still haunt me. “What happened?” Do I want to know?

“Hydra got inside.” Clint says in a calm voice. “But Tony busted them at once. We took care of them.”

And how does he know that? Looking more closely, I see the headpiece. He’s probably in direct contact with them. “Is Steve fine?”

“Yeah, it takes more than some Hydra clones to take him out. He’s fine and on his way back. See, no reason to worry. You’re safe here.”

“If you think that you’re a fool.” I don’t want to come across as harsh, but… “I know what Hydra’s like. If you think they’re giving up, think again. They’ll just plan better. Hydra won’t let me go. They’ll always hunt me down. I’ll never be safe, no matter where I am.” I’m an investment to them and they want their possession back.

“You’re probably right,” Clint says. He removes an arrow and runs his fingers along the shaft. “But consider this: the Stark Tower is probably the safest place in the world for you. If you side with us, the Avengers, then Hydra won’t just face you – and Steve. They’ll face the lot of us. And trust me, even Hydra doesn’t want to go up against the Hulk.”

I can’t believe he said that. “I can’t possibly join your team. I’m a criminal.”

“Not to us. I doubt anyone will think of you as a criminal once the word gets out what Hydra did to you. Pierce has already been exposed. People know he worked for Hydra. Nat unleashed Hydra’s files onto the internet. It’s only a matter of time before they happen upon yours, and trust me, people aren’t as stupid as the government thinks. They’ll realize the truth about you.”

The amount of faith he has in me resembles Steve’s. “I don’t believe that.”

“Well, I do think you’d fit in just nicely. Hell, I doubt Cap will agree to fight without you at his side – once you’re ready, of course. No pressure there.”

I shake my head repeatedly. “You’re mad.”

“Possibly. Ah, here comes the cavalry!” Clint doesn’t get up though, he seems rather comfortable where he is.

“Buck! We took them out. They didn’t even pose a real threat.”

Steve is the first to come through the door, but it doesn’t end there. Stark enters next and then there’s the guy I attacked on the bridge and later on the helicarrier. What was his name again? Sam or something like that? The last one to enter is the red-haired woman – the Black Widow. I remember Hydra telling me her name when they were prepping me. She looks majorly pissed off. Something about her – her eyes maybe, her expression or the way she carries herself… Whatever it is, it catapults me right back into the past.

TBC


	7. End of the Beginning part 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See prior notes.

Part 7

I encountered her years ago during a mission. I was sent to retrieve, or, if necessary, murder a scientist and she threw herself up as a shield. The Winter Soldier still fired, eager to complete his mission and the shot went right through her. She was a good fighter, well trained, but she didn’t stand a chance against me. 

Everything becomes hazy again and I’m back on the bridge. Hydra declared her a target and I had to take her out. She tried to divert me, but in the end, I shot her. The Winter Soldier seldom misses. And then there’s another memory; something about a Red Room where she was trained. I was there to supervise her training and to test her. She doesn’t know it was me though, and after that, Hydra put me back into cryo. 

“You look like you have seen a ghost,” she says and exchanges a worried look with Steve. “I’m Natasha Romanoff.”

“I know who you are.” I’m still partly stuck in the past and find it hard to make the transition to the present. I know one thing though; I owe her a big apology, that is, if she’s willing to accept it. I won’t blame her if she doesn’t. I shot her twice and came close to killing her. 

“So now you recognize me?” She doesn’t sound angry though, just puzzled.

“I’m sorry for trying to kill you.” I feel like I keep repeating excuses that aren’t valid. The Winter Soldier shot her, but it was me pulling the trigger. “I didn’t want to hurt you.” I sound like a broken record and I hate myself for it. If only I had been stronger back then. I might have succeeded in fighting off Hydra; but in my heart I know the lie for what it is. I never stood a chance. 

“Apology accepted,” she says and extends her hand. 

She sounds sincere, but she’s also a good actrice, otherwise the KGB would never have selected and trained her. I reach out with my right hand and carefully shake hers. “Thank you.”

“Now we need to move on to damage control. Shield is going to be in here…” Tony doesn’t finish as sirens and loud voices echo from the street below. “Well, here as in right now. Let me handle this.”

“I’m coming with you,” Steve offers.

“Nope,” Tony replies resolutely. “I’m taking Nat with me. They have a weak spot for her. I want you two to lie low. Don’t get involved unless I tell you to.” He struts out of the room with Romanoff in tow after she arched an eyebrow at him. 

I’m not sure this is a good idea. “Maybe I should just surrender myself to Shield?” Steve looks like he’s about to have a heart attack. It’s reassuring that some things never change; he used to look at me like that when we were kids and I was going to the principal’s office to accept punishment in Steve’s stead. He wouldn’t let me do that back then either and always told the principal that he had started the fight and certainly not me. 

“That’s not going to happen.” Steve shakes his head. “Not on my watch. Once Shield has you, things might get complicated.”

“You mean ugly,” I correct him. I still remember Stevie speech. 

“Steve is right,” Clint agrees, getting involved. “You don’t want to give them any advantages.”

“I thought I had shot Fury. I’m surprised he’s still alive.” I thought that hit had been successful. I’m thrilled he survived though. That’s one less murder the Winter Soldier is guilty off. I still tried to murder Fury though. 

“Nick’s resilient,” Clint replies. “He knows how to make a bad situation work for him.”

The door unexpectedly opens and I brace myself to face Fury, but it’s not the director who walks into the room. It’s a fairly average looking agent, but his eyes are alert and his gaze intelligent. He’s not one to underestimate. I look at Stark and Romanoff and notice their relaxed stance. This development doesn’t bother them so I reckon the guy doesn’t present a threat.

“Sergeant Barnes, allow me introduce myself, my name is Coulson.” His gaze travels to Steve and he smiles warmly. “Captain,” he says in a proud, almost adoring voice.

“Phil,” Steve replies and returns the smile. “It’s good to see you recovered from Loki’s attack.”

“It was touch and go there for a while, but I managed to pull through. I’m glad I did, because now I am finally meeting Sergeant Barnes. You, sir, are a legend!”

What the hell is going on here? Coulson now gives me that adoring look too. I look to Steve for an explanation, but he’s grinning and shrugs.

“Phil is a fan,” Steve explains. “When I joined Shield on our first mission, he was desperate for me to sign the cards he collected throughout the years. They mean a lot to him. I didn’t want to sign any Captain America cards at first, but after he was shot, I signed them after all.” Steve turns toward Coulson. “I bet you have some cards you want Bucky to sign too.”

“If that’s possible, yes, definitely. But later, I don’t have them on me.”

I give up. I have no idea why I should sign any Captain America memorabilia. “What’s going to happen to me now?” That’s all I want to know. 

“At the moment, nothing. Mister Stark vouches for you – not that it means much, but agent Romanoff also gave me her word that she will keep an eye on you.”

“And that does mean something? Phil, you’re hurting my feelings here!” Stark throws Coulson a dirty look, but I can tell they’re joking.

“So I’m off the hook?” Is this really happening? 

“Yes, we analyzed most of Hydra’s data on you. When agent Romanoff downloaded Hydra’s files we were especially interested in you. We were relieved to learn that you are just another victim in all this, and not one of Hydra’s henchmen. We do know the difference between a villain and a victim. Shield will do everything within its power to clear your name.”

Words can’t describe my relief. I never expected people to be this understanding, let alone forgiving, and I still don’t feel like I deserve their leniency. I’m relieved that I can stay with Steve. “I’ll sign whatever cards you want me to sign,” I promise out of gratitude.

“That’s great. I’ll bring them the next time I visit. I’m going to be your liaison, so we’ll meet on a regular basis. If you’ll excuse me now, I have five Hydra agents to question.”

“He says that like his day just brightened,” I deadpan. 

“It did, Sergeant Barnes, it most certainly did!” Coulson calls out from the corridor.

“He heard that?”

“Don’t underestimate the guy,” Tony says. “He dates a cellist… you know, someone who plays the cello – that big instrument… All right, fine, I’m shutting up. You can find me in the shop if you need me!” Tony exits the room, leaving us standing there. I, for my part, am perplex that I’m still a free man. “Now what?”

“Now we go back to catching some shuteye,” Clint announces and yawns. “I don’t know about any of you, but going back to bed sounds very enticing. See you at breakfast in… four hours!”

Romanoff walks toward Clint, joining him. “I need my beauty sleep too, guys. Don’t you, Sam?” She gives him a shifty look.

“What? Oh yes, sure… You’re not very subtle, woman!” Sam shrugs and chuckles. “We don’t want to ruin anyone’s beauty sleep, do we?” He follows them out of the room, leaving Steve and me behind.

“Not subtle at all,” Steve quips. He seems rather amused by the way things ended. “Let’s head home.”

Home… He uses the word so casually, but it expresses how he feels about living here. This is home to him these days, which means I have to make it my home in the long run too. I can pretend all I want, but fact is that I’m not leaving Steve ever again. If this is home to him, it is going to be my home too.

0000 

I place the shield against the wall and stretch a little. I can’t stop myself from yawning. I’m not exactly tired, but I am looking forward to sharing a bed with Bucky. One day, I hope to take full advantage of that, but not yet. We’re still getting used to our current situation. I make a quick bathroom stop and return to find Bucky stretched on the bed with his back toward me. I sense an opportunity and move in. I should probably not sneak up on him like this, but… I lie down on my side and cuddle up to him.

“I told you—“

“Hush, it’s just me.” The tension that claimed his body a moment ago fades and he relaxes in my arms. Holding him like this feels incredibly right. I wrap an arm around him, pull him closer against me, and bury my face in his hair. “I missed you all those years.” Maybe it’s a good thing we’re not face to face; I might find it hard to tell him these things with him looking at me. “After I thought you had died I went back to the bar where we spent our last night. I tried to get drunk. It didn’t work though, and all I could think of was losing you.”

“Steve…”

Bucky starts to turn, but I tell him no. “Not yet, just let me get this off my chest.” He halts and stays where he is. “Thanks, telling you isn’t easy. All those years, I missed you. When Nat and I were looking for you, we were being chased in turn. In order to avoid detection she told me to kiss her because public displays of affection make people feel awkward. She was right; we went unnoticed. Later she asked if that was my first kiss in seventy years and I denied it. She was right though. The only person I’ve ever wanted to kiss is you.”

“Not even Peggy?”

There’s no jealousy in his voice; he knows the truth and the truth is that I always ever wanted him. “Not even Peggy. I loved her, but not in the way I love you.” Bucky shifts in my arms and this time I don’t stop him from turning onto his other side. Looking into his eyes, I feel complete. “You’re all I ever wanted and you were the one thing I couldn’t have because Hydra took you away from me. I would have told you, once the war was over. I would have told you I loved you.”

“I believe you… It’s good to know that you’d have done that. I would have been too much of a coward to tell you.”

I run my fingers through his hair and twirl a strand around a fingertip. “Well, none of that matters anymore. Here we are, more than seventy years later and we finally made it to bed.” Bucky laughs, just as I had hoped. I press my lips against his in a light kiss and wait for him to either respond or retreat. 

The moment he kisses me back everything is right in my world. There was a time when I had given up hope to ever kiss him and now I’m going to take full advantage of his willingness. I snuggle up to him and lazily continue the kiss. I part my teeth in invitation, curiously awaiting his next move. Bucky searches my eyes, seems to approve of the emotions he finds there, and accepts. 

I sigh contently and pull him on top of me. Bucky follows my lead and deepens the kiss. My dreams finally comes true and I grow hard. “I love you,” I whisper into his ear, once he has to pause for breath. I kiss the skin below his ear and leave a trail down his throat. I know I need to stop. We’re both in over our heads and I can’t let this spin out of control. “We need to slow down.” Bucky nods, but doesn’t seem very eager to do just that. “We need to go slow,” I remind him. “We have time.”

Bucky makes himself comfortable and even cuddles up to me. I can’t believe how easily he’s adapting to this new situation. Only four days ago, he was still in cryostatis and Hydra’s prisoner. “You’re a good kisser. You must have gotten a lot of practice.” Bucky suddenly lifts his head and gives me the saddest look ever. 

“When do you think I had the chance to do that?”

Damn, I messed up. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking.” I just wanted to compliment him!

“I know you didn’t mean it like that. It’s just…” Bucky rests his head on my chest and closes his eyes. “I wasn’t the womanizer you thought I was. Sure, I arranged a lot of dates for us, but nothing ever happened. Nothing serious. I didn’t want to be with those women. I wanted to be with you.”

That admission makes me feel even more guilty, but… “You should have told me. I thought I didn’t stand a chance because of all those girls!” I can’t help it; I feel angry that fate played us like that. 

“I was keeping up appearances – for your sake too. I didn’t want them to pick on you for being gay. I had to protect you.”

I close my eyes and count to ten in order to regain my calm. “You idiot!”

“Maybe, but you know what people are like. Instead of just pummeling you in the alley, they might have done serious damage.”

He’s right of course, but still. I open my eyes and look at him. He looks sincere and his expression is wide open and caring. “I need to make a confession.” That peeks his interest as he actually lifts an eyebrow. “You’re my first.” I know that I don’t need to spell it out to him. He gets the drift. Bucky remains quiet, as if thinking everything over before saying something that might upset me.

“I…” 

Bucky blushes to the roots of his hair. It’s a first. He doesn’t embarrass easily and I wonder what he wants to tell me.

“It’s the same for me,” he says softly, in a barely audible voice, almost as if he’s ashamed to admit it. “Things never went further than kissing. I couldn’t reject my dates in public and played along. But I never slept with any of them. I wanted you instead.”

I smile at him and caress his face. The lines deepened over the years and his features are more pronounced. The expression in his eyes is haunted and he looks ill at ease discussing this, but he isn’t running away from it either. He’s strong and courageous enough to face this. “I love you even more because of that. You don’t need to feel ashamed that you’re not a womanizer. I prefer you this way.” Bucky seems immensely relieved and his features relax. “I never thought we would ever get to this point; not after you fell from that train and Zola got his hands on you.” 

Looking back, I wish I could take back those last few words, but I can’t.

0000

Zola… The name brings back painful memories. His face flashes in my mind and propels me back to that camp where he first experimented on me. Steve found me. Steve got me out. I hold onto that thought while a vortex of terror opens in my mind and drags me down.

“Bucky! What happened? Bucky? Don’t do this to me!”

My mind falls apart and I hang on for dear life. Zola’s taunting me, torturing me, and I scream. I screamed until I was hoarse, not that it ever mattered. Zola always returned for more. I double over in pain and scream again.

“Bucky, talk to me. Listen to my voice. Focus, Buck!”

Is that Steve’s voice? But how can he be here? I manage to focus long enough to realize he’s here with me. But how can that be?

“Talk to me, what are you remembering? What’s happening inside your head?”

“Zola… he comes in at night… there’s always pain… My entire body… on fire and my head… A vice… pushes… my skull… inside out… inject… fire… hurts… arm… mine… saw… cutting away…” I try to hold on, but my thoughts get scrambled, tangled up into one big mess and I can’t even think straight. I’m unable to tell Steve what’s going on; the pain’s too much and I give in to the soothing darkness that suddenly rises all around me. My body collapses and, although I know what’s happening, I can’t stop it. I can’t speak, can’t warn Steve not to be worried and that it will eventually pass; it always does.

It’s weird; even when I’m unconscious, I’m still conscious. I’m aware of Steve trying to get through to me and I’m sorry for scaring the hell out of him, but I don’t want to go back there. I didn’t know it at the time, but the first time Zola got hold of me was child’s play compared what happened after he dragged me from that ravine. The time I spent with Zola is blurry; sometimes I see a face – his face, leering at me and then there’s only pain. 

“Buck, don’t do this to me. At least tell me what to do! Come on, react! Blink at me for all I care!”

I don’t want to leave this place. I feel safe here and there’s no pain. 

“Bucky, please, if you’re not going to respond, I have to call in Tony and you won’t want that. Please Bucky, come back. Do this for me. I love you, damn it!”

We really need to talk about his newly found need for swearing as it doesn’t suit him. I can get away with it; he can’t. Realizing I can’t stay here after all, I force myself back into my body. I don’t want him to freak out. 

“Bucky! My God, you scared the hell out of me! What happened? One moment you were still talking to me and the next you looked like you were in a coma!” 

“I’m sorry,” I offer in a repentant voice. “I didn’t want to scare you, but there was too much pain.” He holds me close; his grip is almost too tight, but at the moment it’s just about right. I need him to ground me, to remind me that I left that pain in the past. I have to offer him something in turn for the pain I caused him. “It’s Zola…” Saying the name is difficult for me as it brings home it really happened. He did torture me – twice. “He… hurt me… in so many ways… Please don’t make me talk about that. I can’t – not yet.” I doubt I will ever be able to tell Steve what happened. “I don’t want to cause another flashback. It’s too real. I thought that I was really back there.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize that bringing him up would trigger your memories like that. We’re not going to discuss him anymore, right?”

“Right…” I’m more relieved than I want him to know. “Thanks!” The mood has changed. I’m tense and nothing remained of the romantic mood that took us earlier. I can’t possibly stay in bed. I’m restless and need to move. “Steve, I need out.”

“Sure, we can do that.” Steve checks the time on the alarm clock. “It’s six in the morning, too early to make a lot of noise, since the others will still be sleeping, but we can get ourselves a snack or some hot milk and head for the roof.”

I like that idea. I allow him to distract me as I desperately need to stop thinking about Zola. “I love hot milk, but without any honey.”

“You love milk, period.”

He’s right. “So what are we waiting for?” Let’s get moving!

0000

I watch Bucky carefully. He seems to have recovered from that episode earlier, but I remain alert. I don’t think he realizes just how much he scared me. After he started to stutter, his face went all blank. His eyes widened and he simply stared ahead, not registering anything, not even my voice. I could have sworn even his breathing stopped for a moment, and when I checked for his pulse, it was racing like mad. That doesn’t sound healthy to me, but I don’t know which coping mechanisms he developed throughout the years. I bet I’ll make a few more unpleasant discoveries. I tell myself the most important thing is my reaction to them. I can’t fail him. 

At the moment he’s seated at the kitchen table, waiting for me to finish preparing our hot milk. When we were young, and he felt under the weather, a mug of hot milk always cheered him up. I never met anyone who loves his milk as much as Buck does. I pour the hot liquid into our mugs and carry them over to him. I hand him one and he seems to wake up from whatever trance he was in. I don’t like this at all. “Wanna go outside? Sun should be rising shortly.”

Bucky nods, but remains quiet. He picks up his drink, wraps the fingers of his left hand around the scalding hot mug, and walks toward the roof. He’s in a strange mood and I’m ready to deal with whatever happens. He can count on me. 

I sit down next to him, but I don’t try to touch him. I leave that up to him. I noticed that he quickly feels cornered and he needs his space right now. I’m not going to address what happened earlier either. I’ll leave that up to him too. I remain quiet, but still check on him occasionally. He doesn’t return the look though.

The sun gingerly appears in the sky and seems dim today, probably due to the many clouds obscuring it. It’s going to be a hot, humid day. Bucky finished his drink some time ago, but keeps clutching the mug – probably so he has something to hold on to. 

“I’m sorry,” Bucky says out of the blue. “For ruining the mood earlier.”

I remind myself to tread carefully. I don’t want to say the wrong thing with Bucky in an emotional state like that. “We can always rekindle the fire when we both feel like it. You don’t need to feel bad about that. I love you and that means I don’t want you to feel guilty. Okay?” I hope I did fine. I have no experience at this sort of thing. Bucky finally looks at me and offers me a weak smile. Hopefully I passed the test. “I like being out here. It’s a great place.” It sounds lame, but I’m trying to reassure him and to find some common ground again. “What do you want to do today?”

“I don’t know,” Bucky says and that guilty expression creeps back into his eyes.

I think he does know, but he doesn’t feel comfortable telling me. He looks tired, which isn’t surprising considering the things he went through lately. “How about we make ourselves comfortable on the couch and we’ll just be lazy? Maybe watch television, read, listen to some music, look through old photo albums?” That should be okay. It doesn’t sound very strenuous to me, and if he wants to nap, he can.

“I’d like that.” 

Bucky places the empty mug onto the floor and moves a little closer on the bench. He acts shyly and I wonder what he’s up to. The last thing I expect is for him to wrap the fingers of his left hand around mine. So far, he refused to touch me with his metal arm, afraid he might hurt me. For him to reach out to me like this is amazing. No matter how exhausting these last few days were, I wouldn’t want things differently. I’m slowly gaining Bucky’s trust. With his memories so incredibly damaged and his fragmented mind he’s working hard on letting me in. It shows a great amount of trust and courage. “I’m so proud of you.” I pull his hand into my lap and keep it there. It’s mine for now. 

“I have no idea why though. I practically had a nervous breakdown earlier.”

“You’re recovering and things like that happen.” I turn his hand around and look at his palm. Remembering he has sensation in it, I run my fingertips along the palm and press gently, trying to make him aware of the fact that I accept this. I can’t be sure, but it looks like his eyes are about to shed some tears. “Bucky, do you have any idea how much you mean to me? How thrilled I am to have you back in my life? You are so damn important to me that I’d do whatever it takes to make you happy. I mean that, no cost is too high.” 

Maybe I should tone it down, but I want to get through to him. “I don’t think I could bear losing you ever again. I’ll fight Hydra for the rest of my life – I don’t care. I don’t care what I need to do in order to keep you safe and here with me.” Bucky’s smile grows warmer and a cheeky expression appears on his face. I’m so very glad to see it.

“You sound deranged.”

“You do that to me. Take it as a compliment. Just don’t do anything stupid. We will do this together.” I pull his hand close to my chest. “Be careful with my heart though. You broke it once already. It’s brittle.” Until now, I didn’t know how easy it was to tell him how I feel. I felt apprehensive about bringing this out in the open, but now that I’ve told him I feel relieved.

“Steve…” He seems lost for words, but then tries again. “I’m trouble, you know that.”

“Yeah, but you’re MY trouble.” I lift his hand and raise it to my lips. Bucky wants to object, as he begins to pull away, but I shake my head at him. “Let me, please.” He stays reluctant, but doesn’t move away. I press a kiss onto the back of his hand, which trembles. “I love all of you.”

Bucky swallows convulsively and his eyes move wildly in their sockets. I wait patiently, giving him the time he needs to come to terms with what I just did. He told me that he hates his metal arm and that he looks upon it as a weapon. He said that he doesn’t want me to touch it and now I actually kissed it. 

“I…” 

He stares at me in shock, but that is about it. Encouraged, I turn his hand around and kiss its palm. “I love all of you. ALL of you,” I repeat and I can tell I’m getting through. I twine our fingers and he allows it. Realizing he needs time to work through this, I break eye contact and look at the sky instead. The sun managed to break through those rain clouds and I hope I managed to get through to Bucky too.

TBC


	8. End of the Beginning part 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I just finished the story, so you might be pleased to know it will be complete soon. Just need to edit the remaining parts. Thanks for the reviews! They mean a lot to me!

Part 8

“Hey, am I interrupting anything?” 

Clint slowly heads our way, giving me time to get used to his presence. My recent trip into madness left me on edge. “No, you’re not,” I tell him after looking at Steve, who nods encouragingly. I’m relieved that, so far, only Steve witnessed any breakdowns on my part. I dread the day it happens around any of the others.

“Nat and I made breakfast and we would love for you to join us. After what happened during the night, it would be nice to get the team together again.”

His words remind me that he practically invited me to join the Avengers the other day. Steve is a part of that team, but I don’t feel worthy of joining them, not with my shady past. Breakfast however, is something I can do. I can eat. Steve is still looking to me to reach a decision. “That’s fine with me.” I can tell Steve wants to join them and I can do this for him. Getting to my feet is hard. I’m exhausted and I feel wobbly. I could do with a good night’s sleep. I follow Clint to the kitchen and find Steve at my side again, giving me an anxious look.

“Are you okay? You look like you’re about to collapse.”

I must look truly miserable, then again, I feel wrecked too. “I’ll survive. It’s only breakfast.” How bad can that be? 

0000

I didn’t count on the whole lot of them already being present and I start to wonder if I didn’t make a mistake by telling them yes.

“Take a seat!” Clint says invitingly as he moves back to the stove. “What do you guys wanna eat?”

There are only two seats left and I reckon they’re ours. I can either sit next to Romanoff or Wilson. I don’t like either option as I tried to murder them both. In the end, I sit down next to Romanoff, since I do know her a little better than Wilson, who’s still a mystery to me. Steve suddenly puts a steamy mug with coffee in front of me, and he already fixed it the way I like it. Feeling self conscious, I tug my left arm against my side and only use my right. 

The coffee tastes great. I finally feel like coming alive again. The caffeine and sugar rush won’t last, and I’ll probably crash hard, but right now, it’s exactly what I need. I still need to get used to the multitude of smells that surround me. I forgot that food can smell and taste so damn good!

“So what do you want? Except for coffee, that is?” Clint walks up to us and waits impatiently. 

“I don’t care. Food is food.” It fills me up and it will taste much better than any of the food Hydra gave me.

“He’s a sucker for pancakes,” Steve tells them. “Lot of maple syrup and add something healthy like fruit. I’ll have the same.”

Clint doesn’t seem to mind being bossed around and heads for the counter. In the meantime, I study our breakfast companions. Romanoff smiles when our gazes cross, but remains quiet. I don’t think she’s one for idle chit chat. Wilson is busy devouring the bacon and eggs he heaped onto his plate and munches happily, too busy eating to talk to me. That only leaves Stark. He looks tired. There are some black circles beneath his eyes that seem to have appeared over night. He didn’t look that bad earlier. I feel awkward enquiring if something upsetting happened, so I keep quiet instead. Steve however, has different ideas.

“You look like hell, Tony. Did Dum-E blow up something?”

Stark raises his head and I startle at seeing the bloodshed eyes. What the hell happened after Hydra’s attack? “Steve is right. You look… bad.” I cringe at my poor choice of words, but I’m still uncomfortable talking to people.

“You don’t want to know, trust me,” Stark says after a long pause. “You really don’t want to know.” He sighs and his hands turn into fists.

He’s angry. I know what that feels and looks like. He’s furious and I back down. I’m not going to push a guy looking like that.

“Did Fury cause this? Don’t tell me that you’re moping because Coulson doesn’t want you to sign anything.”

Steve attempts humor, but I’m not sure it will work. Stark looks like a man on the edge. I should know; I lived like that for decades.

“So, you really want to know?” Stark briefly closes his eyes. “After Nick left, I watched more Hydra footage. Nat, you didn’t upload all their nasty shit to the net. Some stayed behind – thankfully.”

Steve is about to question Stark again, but I shake my head. “Don’t,” I mouth. I have the feeling Stark can’t deal with more questions at the moment. Steve remains quiet and I study Stark. He reaches for his coffee, sips from it, and recomposes himself, which can’t be easy. “Last night, I found out that Hydra killed my parents. Too bad I only found out after that attack. I would have loved to make those guys pay for it.”

The words hit me like a punch to the gut and I quickly lower my head. This is bad. Did I do it? During one of the Winter Soldier’s mission? I didn’t always know their names. At times, Hydra would just point out a car and tell me to take care of the matter. My left hand begins to shake and I grab hold of it with my other hand, trying to control the tremor.

“What?” Steve exclaims in disbelief and shock. “Hydra did what?”

“They ordered a hit on my mum and dad.” Stark continues to stare into his mug, swirling the liquid about as if to distract himself from the horrible tale he’s telling. “I never knew who killed them and now I watched Hydra murder them. First they executed my father and then my mum.” Stark sighs and hides his face in his hands. “I never got to say goodbye to them.”

I don’t know what to do and Steve looks equally shocked. Wilson remains quiet and looks like he would love to be everywhere except here. Romanoff reaches for Stark’s hand and runs her thumb over its back in an effort to comfort him. She remains quiet though. Clint makes his way over from the stove and pulls up a chair. He straddles it and rests a hand on Stark’s shoulder, also offering his silent support.

I don’t want to disrupt his grief, but I can’t help but think I murdered them. Did Hydra sent the Winter Soldier after them? As far as I can remember I killed two couples while on a mission for Hydra. Did I kill his parents? I don’t think I can live with myself if I did. How can I ever forgive myself for something like that? 

I can’t possibly stay here if the Winter Soldier is involved. Unable to remain quiet any longer, I whisper, “Did I do that?” I need to know. I don’t want to know, but I need to know. Steve instantly takes hold of my right hand and his eyes show disbelief. He can’t believe I asked Stark that. That makes two of us, as I can’t believe it either. Stark raises his head and the expression in his eyes makes me shudder. It’s murder I see. Stark is ready to kill. I pray it’s not me.

“No, it wasn’t you. It was Hydra. It wasn’t you, Sergeant Barnes.”

Something about his tone makes the hair at the back of my neck stand rigid. The way he phrased that confirms my suspicions. “But,” I start, wanting to object. If I did it, I need to know.

“It wasn’t you!” Stark repeats in a much firmer tone. “Hydra killed them. You didn’t, is that clear? Do I need to repeat myself?”

I bite onto my bottom lip. I can’t be sure, but I highly suspect the Winter Soldier was involved. But then again, wouldn’t Stark be trying to kill me right now if I did kill his parents? Instead, he’s shaking his head at me. 

“It was Hydra and that’s it. We’re no longer discussing this.”

I can’t go against his wishes. This is a volatile subject and I can’t and won’t pressure him. Maybe I need to sneak into his shop and have a look at those tapes myself. Then I would know what really happened.

“I don’t want you to question my words, do you hear me?” Stark gives me a stern look. “You’re free of Hydra these days. Don’t let them drag you down again.”

Then why did he bring it up in the first place? But then again, maybe it just needed out. He just found out Hydra killed his parents. It makes sense that he needs to talk about it. “I’m sorry for your loss,” I offer eventually. I know words mean nothing, but I don’t know how else to express myself. “I’m really sorry.”

“I know you are,” Stark says and manages a forced smile. “I shouldn’t have told you, but… it’s all I can think about. I think I’ll give Rhodey a call and suit up. Maybe that will help.”

I doubt it will, but he needs to find a way to deal with the loss. It happened a long time ago, but this recent discovery brought it all back.

“You guys are the best,” Stark says and squeezes Romanoff’s hand in turn. He then looks up and smiles at Clint. “One big, happy family.”

I’m not sure about that, but I keep quiet. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m involved in these particular murders.

0000

I managed to eat some pancakes, but I had to force them down. Tony left shortly after he told us and went to spend time with his best friend. The rest remained rather down, and one by one, they left. Even Clint retreated, back into his nest, as Steve half-jokingly called it. None of us feel like joking though.

On our way back to Steve’s apartment, my thoughts keep running in circles. Steve looks preoccupied as well, and it’s only after the door closes behind me, that I feel comfortable discussing the matter. I lean against the wall, close my eyes, and try to control the urge to throw up. “I did it. I know I did it.” Steve’s response is instant. He walks up to me, pulls me into his arms, and rocks me slightly. I love him for not abandoning me in my hour of need. “I killed them.”

“Tony said Hydra did it. He was rather vehement that it wasn’t you. Buck, look at me.”

I gingerly raise my head and face him. I don’t want to do this.

“I know Tony. If you had killed his parents, he would have tried to get some revenge on you. He would have gone after you without warning. You would barely be breathing by now and nursing several broken bones. But he didn’t pounce on you. That should tell you something. That guy runs on impulsive behavior. He wouldn’t have been able to control his rage facing the killer of his parents. If he says you didn’t do it, I believe him.”

“But I remember killing two couples. What if one of them was Tony’s parents? Hydra didn’t always supply with me names. The Winter Soldier didn’t need that kind of information in order to kill.” Steve draws in a deep breath as if to steady himself and I wonder what’s next.

“I can’t begin to even understand how difficult this is for you.” 

Steve uses his hold on me to walk me over to the couch, where he pulls me down with him. I must admit that I’m glad to be off my feet; I’m shaking like hell.

“But I need you to understand this; you’re not a villain. You’re not a killer. Hydra used the Winter Soldier to do their dirty work and you’re not to blame. They controlled you. They brainwashed you and wiped your mind. You had no control when Hydra sent the Winter Soldier off on a mission. You’re not to blame, Bucky. You didn’t kill them. The Winter Soldier did. If you could have, you would have stopped him.”

I want to believe that so badly, but how can I? “I remember those kills, Steve. I remember putting a bullet into them, strangling them, breaking their necks. How can I possibly be innocent of that?”

“Because you had no control. Hydra forced you to do those things.”

Steve wavers and I know he’s hiding stuff. “Tell me.” I want to know what he’s keeping from me.

“You’ll find out eventually, I guess.” 

Steve moves closer and caresses my face. I’m not sure I still deserve such affection and want to pull away.

“No, listen to me. You were starting to be successful at fighting back. You were beginning to remember bits and pieces. Hydra realized they had a problem on their hands. Pierce realized that too, that’s why he wiped your mind again. When Hydra found you on that shore, they shipped you back to Siberia in order to get you away from me, because you remembered me. You knew me. That made you dangerous.”

I listen to every word he says, but so far I don’t understand why he’s telling me this. 

“When we got you out, Hydra was preparing for their next operation. They wanted to imbed ten activation words in your mind. Just by repeating those words, they could take back control of your mind whenever you tried to break away. That’s how badly they wanted to control you. You didn’t give them any control over you. They took it and they didn’t think twice about hurting you in the process.”

Some of the things he says are true. Hydra was too strong. I couldn’t break their mind control, but finding out about those ten trigger words is new to me. “You got there just in time.” If Hydra had succeeded in that evil plan, I would never have gotten away from them. I would have been a prisoner for the rest of my life.

“So even IF the Winter Soldier killed Tony’s parents, it wasn’t you. That’s why it is useless to drive yourself nuts about it. Tony knows that too. He has seen a lot of the footage Hydra collected on you. He probably knows best who the murderer is. ”

I find it hard to accept Steve’s reasoning. “It doesn’t feel right to put the blame wholly on Hydra and the Winter Soldier. I was there too.”

“As another victim in all this.” Steve hesitates and gives me a pleading look. “Don’t ask me to think of you as a killer, I can’t. I know you, Bucky. You would never hurt a woman. Never. That wasn’t you. Hydra created the Winter Soldier and they didn’t care how much they hurt you in the process. They put you into cryo when they had no use for you. They decided what your life was like. You had no say in the matter. They held all the power, you had none.”

I lack the energy to continue this. I can’t deny the truth to those words and I give in - for now. “I need to lie down. My head hurts.” I want to get up to walk over to the bed, but Steve stops me and pulls me down. Catching on, I stretch out on the couch. Steve shifts toward the end and gently pulls my head into his lap. His fingers move into my hair and he continues to pat me. It feels odd, but I don’t tell him to stop. However, I do turn onto my side, ending up with my back toward the couch so I can keep an eye on the doorway. Old habits die hard and I still expect Tony or someone else to storm in here and demand retribution. 

Steve remains quiet and keeps stroking my hair. The movement lures me into a sense of peace and my eyes begin to close. I never intended to go to sleep, but I’m exhausted and my body finally shuts down. I drift off into sleep and can only hope the nightmares will leave me alone this time. 

0000

“Can I come in?”

I’m surprised to see Tony standing in the doorway. A quick look at the clock tells me I lost track of time. It’s six in the evening. Bucky slept peacefully and I suspect I dozed off myself. I nod at Tony, who then makes his way over to a comfortable chair and sits down. He looks calmer – more in charge of his emotions. “I didn’t expect to see you.”

Tony nods. “I understand. I went a little insane earlier today, but talking to Rhodey always helps. I managed to put everything into perspective, and although the anger is still there, I’m handling it. It was a shock, you know.”

“I would have been shocked too,” I assure him. I’m under the impression that Bucky is still asleep. He must have been utterly depleted. Normally our talking would have woken him by now, but his breathing remains the same and I don’t sense him tensing up, as he certainly would upon realizing that Tony is in the room with us. 

“How’s he doing?” Tony inclines his head toward Bucky. “I shouldn’t have told him, but it needed out.”

“He knows that, Tony.” I take a moment to consider his question. “All this is wearing him down. He’s convinced the Winter Soldier killed your parents and he blames himself for it, even though he couldn’t have stopped it from happening.”

“Are you sure he isn’t listening?” 

“Yeah, he’s dead to the world.”

Tony sighs and shrugs. “I might as well tell you. He’s right. Hydra sent the Winter Soldier after my parents.”

I cringe at hearing Bucky’s suspicions confirmed; this is bad. “He’ll never forgive himself if he ever finds out.”

“Then we need to make sure he remains ignorant.” Tony makes himself comfortable in the chair and gives Bucky a pensive look. “It’s hard; when I looked at the tape, I saw Barnes killing them. My dad even recognized him and called him by his name, but Bucky didn’t react. At the end, Barnes looked straight into the camera and I could tell it wasn’t him. Barnes wasn’t there – the Winter Soldier had taken over. How can I blame your buddy when Hydra orchestrated this and pulled his strings? I have only known Barnes for a few days now, but I think it’s safe to say that the guy can’t hurt a fly. You just have to look at him and you see the hell he’s been through. I’m not troubling him with this. Hydra killed my parents – that’s all he needs to know.”

“What about that tape? I know what Buck is like and he is going to sneak in there to have a look at it.” 

“Don’t worry… I erased it.”

That surprises me. “Why did you do that?”

“Watching it once broke my heart, so in order to stop myself from watching it again, I had to delete it. I don’t think I will survive watching it twice. Hydra got themselves a brand new enemy. I’ll do anything I can to destroy them.”

Tony means it. It’s in his voice and expression. “And Bucky?”

“He has a friend in me. He’s just another victim. I know what they did to him. I was there when we busted him out. I can’t and won’t blame him. He’s safe here.” 

Tony’s expression changes; there’s more to come. “What is it?”

“Clint mentioned it the other day, and I didn’t seriously consider it until last night, but your buddy should join the Avengers. Either as an active member once he has recovered, or as an inactive member from this moment on. Hydra won’t stop hunting him. They’ll continue until they succeed. The Avengers backing him up will slow Hydra down. They might even reconsider going after him.”

“We did discuss that. Bucky brought it up after Clint mentioned it to him.” Seeing Tony’s curious look, I add, “He doesn’t think he should. He doesn’t feel like he’s worthy to join us because of his past.” Tony wants to say something, but I’m quicker. “Yeah, that’s a lot of crap, I know that. But he needs time to understand what’s happening. He’s having these flashbacks and they’re scary like hell. After I accidentally mentioned Zola I thought he’d gone into cardiac arrest. Whatever you do, Tony, don’t bring up Zola.”

“I barely know the guy. He’s from your past, not mine, but I get what you’re saying. So what about Barnes joining the Avengers? Being on the team comes with a lot of bonuses, like living here – at the Stark Tower, by baby.”

“Don’t let Pepper hear that.” Tony immediately looks contrite. “I’ll work on Bucky joining the Avengers, but I need you to be patient.”

“I’ll go ahead then and announce that to the public tonight.”

“Tony!”

“No, listen to me! Hydra needs to know Barnes doesn’t stand alone. They need to know he’s one of us now.”

“Fine,” I give in. “But don’t mention it to Bucky. Let me do that.” I have no idea how he’s going to react to that. I doubt he’s going to fight us though – he knows he needs help to get Hydra off his back.

0000

At first I fail to identify the nature of the noise surrounding me. After opening my eyes, I realize Steve is watching a baseball match. He must have gotten bored with me being asleep. His fingers still move through my hair though and his fingertips gently massage the back of my neck. My body feels taut and I move slowly, turning onto my back so I can look at him.

“Evening,” Steve says and grins. “Did you enjoy your rest?”

I cringe upon realizing that I kept him immobile all this time, occupying his lap like that. “How long did I sleep?”

“You slept during most of the day, about eight hours, and you didn’t have nightmares. How do you feel?”

“Strange,” I whisper, trying to asses my physical condition. “Relaxed, but also very tired.”

“You have a lot of sleep to catch up on. Tony dropped by while you slept. He was much calmer. Talking to Rhodey helped.”

Ah, yes, Stark… Feeling ill at ease, I make eye contact with Steve. “Did he give you any details about the murder? Did it involve me? Did I do it?”

“No, Buck, you didn’t kill anyone. It was Hydra.”

Now Steve is playing the same game Stark is. “I’m still convinced I did it.”

“Not you, Bucky, never you. Even if the Winter Soldier did it, it wasn’t you. We talked about this, remember that?”

I do, but I still don’t agree. “What else happened?” I slowly sit up and fight down the rising vertigo. 

“Not much. I watched the game, Clint dropped by and asked what we wanted for dinner. I told him I would love some pizza. Are you okay with that?”

“Pizza?” I think I had it once, a lifetime ago. The Italians brought it with them to Brooklyn. I don’t remember what it tastes like. “Fine, yes.” I place my feet onto the floor and take stock. I would die for a shower. “Is there enough time for me to clean up? I’ll be quick, I promise.”

“No need to rush, take your time in the bathroom. Maybe you want me to join you?”

Blushing, I quickly get to my feet. I feel awkward as I never expected Steve to go for such innuendo. “Not if you want me to be quick about it,” I reply, hoping Steve doesn’t realize just how fucking shy I am. I practically make a run for it and quickly close the bathroom door behind me. 

What the hell happened back there? Why am I running away from Steve? Does the thought of being intimate with him scare me that much? No, I don’t think that is it. Looking into the mirror, I realize what the real problem is. I hate my arm – hate the monster Hydra made me into. I don’t like to touch Steve while using that arm – Hydra’s legacy and my burden.

“Bucky?”

I spin around, grab my assailant, and smash him into the wall. It’s only then that I recognize Steve. I instantly release him and back off. “I’m sorry.” An apology seems lacking though. I just slammed him into the damn bathroom wall because he surprised me! “I didn’t know it was you. I was… lost in thought.”

“No harm done,” Steve is quick to assure me. “Didn’t even faze me, see? I’m not that easily hurt, but I am grateful you didn’t punch me with that arm.”

I don’t know what to do or say. I feel embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to—“

“Buck, it’s fine! Don’t worry about it!” Steve raises his right hand and presses its palm against my face, rubbing the skin there. “It was my fault to begin with. You told me not to sneak up on you and I did it anyway.”

“You forgive way too easily,” I tell him, meaning it.

“Only you,” Steve says and moves closer. 

The last thing I expect is to be kissed, but that’s exactly what happens. I want to stop him, but Steve doesn’t back down; he deepens the kiss instead and I grow weak at the knees. I gasp at the unexpected contact when his hands move underneath my shirt. “What are you doing?” I congratulate myself on that brilliant question; I’m an idiot!

“You wanted to shower, didn’t you? Then you need to lose your clothes first.” 

Steve winks at me and his dirty grin makes me realize I’m in trouble. “Steve…”

“Oh, I like it when you say my name like that. Now raise those arms.”

I remain frozen though. It’s bad enough he saw my metal arm in detail before. I don’t want to lose the cover my shirt provides.

“Move it, or we WILL be late for pizza. You might not think so, but Sam has a huge appetite. When we’re late, our dinner will be gone.”

Past experiences taught me that it’s useless to object, so I comply and he removes my shirt. I feel vulnerable and stare at the wall. I fucking hate that arm.

“What’s going on?” 

Steve’s fingertips trail down my chest and the touch makes me quiver. “You shouldn’t do that.”

“I’ll be the judge of that.” 

Steve leans in closer and kisses the spot beneath my left air. Painstakingly slowly his lips move lower and I’m tempted to stop him upon realizing where he is headed. “Don’t,” I tell him, but Steve doesn’t listen and kisses that horrible scar that runs along my shoulder. He even kisses the vibranium and I quickly step back. “Just don’t.” I tremble and am desperate to put some distance between us.

“Why?” 

Steve has always been tenacious and he’s not giving up now either. He moves closer again and picks up where he left off, kissing my left shoulder. I can’t believe he’s doing that. “How can you touch it? Let alone kiss it? I hate it! It’s Hydra’s!” I turn around and break all contact. The thing is, I suddenly find myself standing in front of the mirror and am forced to see the stricken expression on Steve’s face. I didn’t want that either, but how can he accept this?

“Bucky…”

Steve slips his arms around my waist and presses the palms of his hands against my abdomen. I can’t even begin to describe how strange it feels to be touched like this and I doubt I’ll ever wholly get used to it.

“I don’t hate your arm. It’s a part of you. Yes, Hydra forced it on you, but that doesn’t mean it’s evil. Now that you are your own person, you can fight for a just cause – turn it into a weapon for good. Don’t hate it. I don’t want you to hate yourself. I love you…”

His lips move against my left shoulder and I shudder. “I don’t understand you. How can you so easily accept this?” I incline my head towards my arm.

“Because I love you. I love you the way you are and that arm is a part of you.”

He makes it sound so easy. “I don’t think I can accept it.”

“Yet,” Steve adds. “Give it time. Things will get easier, trust me.”

“I do trust you,” I tell him, looking at him in the mirror. It’s myself whom I don’t trust.

TBC


	9. End of the Beginning part 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One more part to go after this one. Part 10 will be the end of the story. I hope you're still enjoying it.

Part 9

“Let’s do this.” It’s hard to watch Bucky struggle and I know I can do little to help him accept his past. I can, however, distract him, and kissing him seems to work just fine. 

“Get into the shower cabin.” He’s reluctant to comply though and seems to be holding on to his sweatpants for dear life. I never thought he would be this shy. But then again, this isn’t the same man I grew up with. Hydra traumatized him. 

“Want me to leave?” My question seems to worsen his discomfort. “You need to tell me what you want, Buck.” But maybe I’m asking the impossible. “Lose the pants,” I tell him, reaching a decision. I remove my shirt and jeans and step into the shower cabin naked. “Come on, you don’t have anything I haven’t seen before – several times actually.” Bucky blushes at that. 

“It’s true,” I tell him and turn away, giving him a chance to make up his mind. “We went swimming all the time – naked, that is. And then there was this one time we went ice skating, remember that? I told you the ice was fragile, but no, you didn’t listen. You skated right up to the center of the lake and the ice didn’t hold. I couldn’t get you out on my own and had to get help. Once I got you safely back at my place, I had to get you out of those wet clothes. That was quite a struggle.” I grin fondly. “You don’t have anything to be ashamed of, Buck, not back then and not right now.” I don’t know if he decided to join me or fled back into the living room. I haven’t looked.

“This is stupid,” Bucky says as he steps onto the tiled floor. “The shower isn’t big enough for the two of us.”

“We’ll move closer together.” I’m thrilled he decided to trust me and joined me. He looks awfully ashamed of himself though. “You don’t feel that different to me,” I tell him as I move my hands down his back. He shivers, and I’m not sure if that’s because he feels shy or is growing aroused. “Once I got you out of those wet clothes, you were so damn cold! You were shivering like hell. Do you remember what I did?” I have no idea if he remembers the incident I’m talking about. But maybe he does, judging by his shifty grin.

“You stripped me naked and then slipped into bed with me.”

“Okay, you do remember, that’s great!” I behaved myself back then – unfortunately. I had waited a long time to get him naked AND in my bed, but nothing happened. Bucky was sick as a dog and I ended up playing portable heater. “It was one of the happiest moments of my life,” I admit. “If I had been a bit bolder, I might have told you about my feelings for you.” I turn on the water and make sure it’s at a comfortable temperature. 

“Well, better late than never.”

“Oh, yes, definitely.” I would love to run my hands all over him, but I’m afraid I will push him away if I do that. But I’m bad at going slow! So, I reach for the shampoo and start washing his hair. “Are you going to cut it?” Bucky shakes his head at once and I think I know why he prefers it long; it’s easy to hide behind. “Then it stays like that. It’s your choice.” It must be odd for him to actually have a choice. “Turn around, will you?” Bucky does as requested and I rinse the shampoo from his hair. “And don’t attack me.” He tenses at first, but then I playfully bite his earlobe and he chuckles instead.

“I warned you not to sneak up on me from behind,” he says, turning toward me again.

“You did, and I will keep it in mind from now on.” We’re face to face again and I bring him in for another kiss. If I leave this up to him, nothing will happen. I reach for his arms and guide them around my waist. Bucky seems reluctant, but then complies and embraces me. I love this – kissing him and taking my time doing it. I want to explore every inch of his mouth. “You taste so good…” I breathe the words into his mouth in between kisses. I can’t get enough of him. 

“Steve, maybe we should…”

Oh no, we’re not stopping. I know why he’s chickening out. “I’m hard too, don’t worry about it. It just shows the attraction is mutual.” This is new to us both. I never expected him to be this inhibited though when all I can think about is making us come. “Now don’t punch me…”

“What are you…” Bucky groans, as he catches on.

I run my fingers down his cock, palm his testes in my hand, and latch onto his throat. My enthusiasm for kissing him will probably result in some bruising, but we can cover up any hickeys. I don’t expect Bucky to reciprocate, but he carefully closes the fingers of his right hand around my cock in turn. Oh yes, this is exactly what I had hoped for would happen. We set a rhythm, moving against each other without any haste, but it is still over much too quickly. Bucky climaxes first and I follow a few seconds later. 

I rest my head against his shoulder and deeply inhale his scent. I could have had this seventy years ago, if I had told him about my feelings for him. But I dismiss that thought as it doesn’t do any good to dwell on the past. It’s the present that counts, and right now, Bucky is leaning heavily against me and I carry most of his weight. I don’t mind one bit though. I press more kisses along the nape of his neck and grin. I finally got my wicked way with him.

“I can actually feel you grin, Rogers.”

My grin grows even more wicked. He seldom calls me that; I must have really stunned him. “I don’t hear you complaining, Barnes.” That draws a chuckle from him and he raises his head to look at me.

“You gave me no chance to complain!”

He’s chuckling, and for the first time, that smile actually reaches his eyes. The ghosts that normally haunt him are absent and his expression is warm. The love he has for me in tangible in those blues. My stomach suddenly growls loudly and Bucky laughs warmly. “Maybe we should check on that pizza. I’m sure you’re hungry too.” I’m still hungry for Bucky as well, but that’s a different kind of hunger.

0000

I still can’t believe Steve did that. I expected some kissing and I knew better than to think that he could keep his hands to himself, but that? Not in a million years did I think he would move that fast. 

“Looking good,” Steve says smugly.

He’s actually checking me out, the bastard. I shouldn’t have listened when he told me to wear these black jeans. They’re too tight and thus show off way too much. This is all Steve’s doing! I pull my shirt from my jeans - which he tucked into my jeans in the first place - so I can hide certain parts from view.

“Don’t be like that,” Steve whispers and winks. “Don’t hide all the goods.”

“You’re worse than those girls I dated!” If this continues, I’ll be fighting off his hands for the rest of the evening. He tried to cup my ass earlier, so I resolutely redirected his hand by gripping it tightly in mine – my left. Apparently that got the message across, as he’s currently behaving. 

“You’d better get used to it.”

Steve turns my hand around and kisses its back. The fact that he so easily kisses my vibranium arm still unbalances me. I’ll never understand his acceptance of it.

“Do you smell that?” Steve sniffs the air and sighs appreciatively. “Smells good. Some time ago, Tony insisted we tried shawarma, and it was fine, but it will never beat pizza.”

“You’re practically drooling.” If anyone should be drooling over food, it should be me after eating Hydra’s bland food substitutes for all those years. Several voices drift into the corridor and I come to a stop. I still don’t like being amongst people, even if they consider themselves my friends. I feel socially awkward and I know I suck at small talk.

“Come on, or they’ll eat everything. I want some too.”

Steve turns my hold on his hand around and now drags me along into the kitchen. A silence settles over the room the moment we enter and it makes me want to turn around and leave straight away.

“You made it just in time,” Romanoff says and beckons us to sit down. “We still got some pizza left. And no, Sam, you had enough!”

Wilson looks disappointed, but I don’t buy it. He seems content and leans back in his chair to rub his abdomen. He looks full. I resign myself to my fate and sit down next to Tony, who’s in the middle of eating a slice. I can’t look at him without feeling guilty about what happened to his parents, so I don’t look at him at all.

“You’ll like this one,” Steve tells me and slips a huge slice onto my plate. “It has ham, pineapple and olives.”

That sounds like a weird combo, but I should probably try it or he will pester me about it. I look about, but find no utensils. Everybody is using their hands so I pick up the slice and take a bite, careful not to make a mess. It tastes okay, but I can’t see what the fuss is about. I prefer a good steak, some potatoes, and lots of gravy to this every day.

“And?” 

Steve gives me a very expectant look and I don’t want to disappoint him, but I can’t lie either. “It’s all right.”

“But?” 

“I prefer steak over this any time.” He actually looks offended!

“Fine, tomorrow, we’re having meat! And Stark, don’t tell me you’re vegan because you’re not!” Clint points a finger at Tony, who did open his mouth to say something.

“But Pepper is!”

Clint rolls back his eyes, counts to ten, and sips from his wine, blatantly ignoring Stark. 

“Here, have some beer.” Sam puts a bottle of beer in front of me and I want to decline.

“Give us a break, it’s non alcoholic, although I seriously doubt you’ll go berserk after having one beer!” Sam sits down again and nurses his own drink.

“You don’t understand,” I whisper. “I’m dangerous.”

“You know who’s dangerous?” Sam asks. “Stark in that metal suit! That’s dangerous!”

“Hey, I resent that! I’m a genius, with our without the metal suit!”

“Yeah, genius of big talk and small dicks!”

“Guys,” Romanoff cuts them short. “Behave. If you can’t play nice, I’ll switch on the television instead.”

“I AM at my best behavior! I’m not even throwing a tantrum, well, just a minor one, but that doesn’t count!”

Romanoff grabs the remote control and switches the television on. I can’t remember the last time I watched some. Hydra certainly didn’t give me any privileges like that. The last time I watched it was still in black and white. Intrigued, I look at the screen. It’s odd, sitting here like a normal person, eating pizza and having a beer, and watching some program on television. What’s that? Why is Tony suddenly on screen? And isn’t that Coulsen in the background? I turn my head and look at Stark, who grins and shrugs, trying to pass for innocent, but I know he’s up to something. 

My suspicions are confirmed when a picture of me appears on screen. At least it’s one without me wearing the goggles and the mask. I almost look like a normal person. Almost. “What did you do?” I have a bad feeling about this.

“The Avengers are happy to welcome a new member to the group. As of today Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes has joined the Avengers. Long thought lost to us, he is finally reunited with his friend and old war time buddy Captain America,” Stark says on screen.

He looks fucking smug about it and I stare at him in shock. “You didn’t? Tell me that it wasn’t broadcasted!”

“Of course, it was. Now hush, here comes the best part.” Stark steals the remote away from Romanoff and turns up the volume.

“This is also a warning to Hydra,” Stark continues on screen. “You need to try a lot harder to get to Barnes. He’s a part of the team now. Going after him means going after the whole lot of us. We’re great at taking out bad guys, ask our enemies, oh wait, you can’t, because we wasted them all! So, give it your best shot. We’re ready for you. Your lies are all out in the open. We did that. Oh, you want to stop us using politicians? Oh, blast, Pierce is gone. Now I’m sure you got a lot more puppets hidden away, but you know what? We also know their identities and it’s only a matter of time before we bring them in. So, Hydra, or what’s left of your pathetic organization, we’re ready for you. The Avengers can’t wait to kick your ass!”

“Tony!” Even Steve seems troubled.

“You kinda got carried away toward the end, didn’t you?” Wilson says and winks at Stark.

“I’m not surprised,” Romanoff comments calmly and shrugs. “That’s typical behavior for you.”

“You had to mock them,” Clint states, but he looks rather accepting of the situation. “Ah well, at least now Hydra knows where everyone stands.”

“Why did you do that? You provoked them. Now they’ll hit back with everything they got!” They’ll come for me and Hydra won’t back down until they defeated the Avengers and captured me.

“Nah, they won’t.” Tony sounds extremely confident. “Hydra’s licking its wounds. If they were on full strength they would have attacked with a lot more than five lousy agents. Hydra is down and it’s up to us to make sure they stay down. They can’t have you back. It’s as simple as that. You’re Cap’s new sidekick. You belong with us now.”

“Steve, say something!” I look to him for support, but his expression tells me something different.

“Actually, I’m with Tony on this one. Hydra knows better now than to come after you. The Avengers will be breathing down their necks if they do. This strengthens your position. I do believe it’s the right thing to do.”

“Not that my opinion probably matters, but I agree,” Wilson says in a surprising serious voice. “Standing alone makes you an easy target. Now that they know you’re part of a team, they know they’re up against a wholly different opponent. This is to your benefit, man.”

“I know that…” Thankfully they’re now showing different news on screen and my picture is gone. They just told the whole world where I am! And even worse, they’re trying to make me into a superhero, which I’m definitely not. I’m more like a war criminal!

“We talked this over, in case you’re wondering,” Romanoff says, getting involved too. “And we agreed. We want to do this. We want you on the team, when you’re ready for that. For now, you should rest and recover.”

“She’s right.” Clint sips from his wine and looks me straight in the eye. “You belong on the team. Just think of us as the second coming of the Howling Commandos if that helps. It’s no secret that Steve is our leader, even if Tony doesn’t like hearing it.”

Tony merely shrugs and gets himself a beer from the fridge. “It’s more like a co-leadership,” he quips, but doesn’t seem particularly upset. He sits back down and munches on his pizza slice. “What’s done is done,” he says in-between bites.

That’s true; there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. “I can’t understand why you want me on the team,” I admit eventually. “After everything I’ve done…”

“You didn’t do that much. You spent a lot of time in cryo and that’s about it.”

I glare at Stark. “That’s not true and you know it. I killed people.”

“No, the Winter Soldier did; Hydra’s puppet. If it makes you happy, I’ll record this little speech so you can play it back as often as you like. Actually, that’s a great idea!” Stark grins and wiggles his eyebrows. “Jarvis, start recording.”

“Recording, sir.”

Stark clears his throat and moves his chair closer to mine. I have the feeling I won’t like what’s coming next.

“You are Bucky Barnes. Hydra fucked with your mind. They brainwashed you, wiped your memory, and made you into their puppet. They pulled the strings. You had no say in it. You might remember the murders the Winter Soldier committed, but it was Hydra who pulled the trigger, not you. You went down a Howling Commando. You went down defending your best friend. You are not to blame, Barnes. Jarvis, end recording. Store recording and play it each time Barnes here says he’s a killer.”

“Understood, sir, making all necessary arrangements. By the way, sir, you did word that well.”

“Thanks, Jarvis, and stop sucking up to me.”

“Are you sure about that, sir?”

Stark bursts out into laughter and I must admit I relaxed during his speech. The two of them are amusing. 

“Well, just tone it down a little and we’ll be fine, Jarvis. Now, Barnes, are we okay too?”

“I’m working on it. It’s hard. I always believed I’m…”

“Don’t say it,” Steve warms me. “Or Jarvis will run that recording. Tony isn’t kidding.”

I know he isn’t. “I’ll work on it,” I promise them. Everyone keeps telling me the same thing over and over again and they clearly believe they’re right. Does that mean I’m wrong then? Does that mean I’m not a murderer?

0000

Somehow, we ended up in front of a large screen in one of the tower’s many sitting areas. Apparently we’re going to watch a movie to relax. I settle down on the couch and a few seconds later, Steve sits down next to me. He claims my hand and rubs his thumb along the palm. He looks pensive and I wonder what’s on his mind. I can tell what is on Wilson’s; he noted the snacks Tony and Clint are putting on the coffee table and instantly grabbed the caramelized popcorn.

“So this is the way it’s going to be,” Tony says as he makes himself comfortable as well. “Like I said earlier, one big happy family.”

I’m not so sure about that, but they’re giving me little choice in the matter; especially after airing Stark’s announcement that I’m part of their team now. Whom am I kidding? With Steve on the Avengers, I have little choice but to cooperate. I want to be near him, so joining the Avengers would have eventually come up as an option. I still don’t think I’m good enough to be on the team though.

“What are you thinking about?”

Steve rests his head against my shoulder and takes hold of the potato chips Nat hands him. Getting ready to watch a movie like this feels odd to me. Whenever Hydra had no mission for me, they would put me on ice. During the last seventy years I had no time for relaxation, so yes, this is strange and new. “I’m thinking about all of this; joining the Avengers for example. I still don’t think you should let me on the team that easily, concerning my past.”

“Sir, should I run the playback? I am anticipating Sergeant Barnes playing the assassin card again.”

Tony arches an eyebrow. “Whom have you been talking to, Jarvis? Assassin card?”

“Agent Romanoff did give me some useful insight in the matter, sir.”

I notice the look Tony gives Romanoff. I can’t care less about their discussion though. “Steve, even if I joined the Avengers, what good am I? When Hydra attacked the building, all I could think of was going into hiding so they wouldn’t find me.”

“That’s normal after what you went through,” Steve says reassuringly. “But there will come a time when you realize that you’re not without means to defend yourself. You are a force to reckon with. Why do you think Hydra tried so hard to control you? With, or without, that vibranium arm you are dangerous to them. Once you start to punch yourself a way through them, you’ll realize that. You just need your confidence back and I know that it’s just a matter of time.”

Of course he’s right. If I wasn’t that damn intimidated, I would give Hydra hell, just like in the old days. “But all I can think about is not being imprisoned again. Once they capture me and get their hands on me the nightmare is going to start all over again.” That’s my biggest fear. “I don’t want them to take away my memories again. I don’t want to forget you and that I love you.”

“Awww, guys,” Romanoff says and grins at us. “Save it for the bedroom.”

“No, don’t. I like mushy and romantic stuff,” Tony says while wiggling his eyebrows at us. “This tower is finally getting some dirty action. And don’t get me started on sex with Pepper - that’s never dirty!”

Steve doesn’t seem to mind being discussed like that, but I do. I feel awkward and shy; this is something to be discussed in the bedroom with Steve, not in public with the lot of them! Thankfully Clint comes to my aid.

“So, are you joining the Avengers, Buck? I would love to have you on the team.”

I’m still not sure, but what choice do I have? None. “I’ll give the team a shot.”

“That’s great and calls for a celebration! Let’s get out the alcohol!”

“Tony!” Steve disapprovingly shakes his head at Stark. “We don’t need alcohol in order to celebrate.”

“You’re a spoilsport because you can’t get drunk! Don’t ruin the fun for the rest of us! Barnes, can you get drunk?” 

Tony sounds rather hopeful, but I have to disappoint him. “I don’t know. Hydra doesn’t serve alcohol.” A hush falls over the room and I regret bringing up Hydra. I didn’t want to spoil the mood.

“I think I speak for everyone here that we’ll make Hydra pay for what they did to you.” Tony looks at the rest and they nod. “In the meantime though, we should find out if alcohol affects you! I’m getting out the whisky!”

I look to Steve for help, but he merely seems amused.

“Don’t worry,” Steve says as he raises his head a little. “I’ll get you back to bed safely.”

Probably with the intention of getting me out of my clothes so he can have his way with me again. The way he leers at me tells me he caught on. I rest the back of my head against the comfort of the couch. I don’t know what to make of the direction my life has taken off in. Rationally speaking, they are right; being a part of the Avengers works to my advantage, but what use am I battle? What if I freeze up and panic and they have to save me instead? Being an inactive member sounds good to me. I can’t picture myself on a mission. I doubt I’ll ever be able to function to their standards, but since they’re offering me their protection, I’ll take it. I’ll do anything I can to stay out of Hydra’s claws.

“Are you a beer or wine guy?” Tony asks as he places several bottles and matching glasses on the side table. As I’m not inclined to answer, Stark looks to Steve instead. “Come on, spill it, Steve.”

Steve gives me an apologetic look and I realize he is going to tell Stark.

“Actually he likes both. It was wine during mealtimes and beer later. You never cared for whisky, did you, Bucky?”

Now that he told Stark, I see no reason to play hide and seek. “I don’t like hard liquor. I might manage a beer, one, that is!” That’s where I draw the line. I’m NOT getting drunk!

“Here, try this one. It’s good. It’s Clint’s favorite.” Stark uncaps the bottle.

Reluctantly I take hold if it with my right hand. I still have a hard time using my metal arm around them. Steve nods encouragingly and I sip tentatively. Its taste doesn’t differ much from the non-alcoholic I had the other day. But this one DOES have alcohol and I’m stopping after I finish this one.

“Want some?”

Steve offers me the bowl filled with potato chips. Since I’m holding the beer with my right arm, I have to use my left hand in order to grab hold of the food. I observe them closely, but I don’t see any disgusted looks pointed at my arm. I still have a hard time believing they’re this accepting.

“Phil announced a visit for tomorrow. Probably wants your signature next to Steve’s on his cards.” Tony settles down, reaches for the remote control, and starts scanning the movie selection. “I guess horror is out?”

Why is he asking me that? “I don’t care.” I’m too preoccupied to pay attention to some movie. I’d rather look at Steve or doze off, as I’m growing tired again. I can’t remember ever feeling this drained before. 

“Watching The Mummy seems like a safe choice,” Clint mumbles and points at the screen. “It doesn’t matter how many times I watch it, I still like it.”

“Everyone fine with that?” Tony checks with the rest who don’t seem to mind Clint’s selection. “And what about you, Barnes?”

“As I already said, I have no preferences. I haven’t watched a movie in over seventy years.” I once more notice the silence that creeps into the room. I should probably stop mentioning this to them.

“Well, then it’s about time we render that!” Sam announces. “Switch it on, Stark!”

While the movie starts, Steve cuddles up to me and I almost panic when he raises my left hand and presses a kiss onto it. “Don’t,” I whisper nervously.

“Do you really think we don’t know or don’t approve?” Romanoff reaches for the salty popcorn and watches us closely. “It’s written all over your faces. Just out of curiosity, when did it start? When did you fall in love with each other?”

I grow flustered; it’s a reaction I can’t control. “In another lifetime,” I whisper when Steve remains quiet.

“About eighty years ago,” Steve says eventually and tucks my left hand against his chest and close to his heart. “Now that I found him again, I’m not letting go again.”

“At least now I know why you weren’t interested in kissing me, or dating Sharon,” Romanoff says and winks at Steve. “I wish you the best of luck.”

We will need it… I study Stark, who’s munching on tortilla chips and watching the movie. He doesn’t seem opposed to Steve and me being together. Wilson is actually winking at Steve and gives him a thumbs up. Clint is moving his wedding band around on his finger; he must miss his family. Why is he staying then? He can go home. But I’m not voicing that question. It’s up to Clint to decide where to go and what to do.

“Now that we settled that we’re happy for the lovebirds, can we watch the movie? My favorite scene is coming up!” Tony complains and loudly bites down on his tortilla chips. I look at the screen to find out about that scene. Apparently it’s large number of bookcases taking each other down in a domino effect. 

I sip again, vaguely remembering a scene that took place in Brooklyn. We saved some money and ended up at the cinema, watching a movie, but all we had eyes for were each other. We really were stupid back then. Still feeling insecure, I leave a butterfly kiss on top of his head. Steve promptly smiles against my shoulder and twines our fingers tightly. 

“Love you,” he whispers happily.

I love him too, but feel inhibited telling him that in front of the others. He will just have to wait until we’re alone and in his apartment.

TBC


	10. End of the Beginning part 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, this is the end. Since I had already finished the part, I decided to go ahead and post it. If you liked it, please review. See you!

Part 10

I must admit that the evening turned out fine. We watched that movie, and yes, it was amusing. Although I think any movie would have entertained me. Stark offered me more beer, but I declined. The beer I had doesn’t seem to affect me, but I’m not tempting fate. 

I change into some sweatpants and a T-shirt for the night. To be spending it in Steve’s bed is still something I have to get used to. Gingerly I study my reflection. The mirror is relentless and shows off every imperfection – not just on the outside, but I also see the monster lurking on the inside. No matter what they say, I’ll always be dangerous. 

“Hey, it’s me, just walking up behind you. You wanted a warning, so you get one!” Steve announces from where he’s standing in the doorway.

“Thanks, I really don’t want to hurt you.” This time I’m prepared when Steve wraps me up in an embrace and rests his chin on my shoulder so he can join me in looking at the mirror. I feel self conscious though and lower my gaze. I don’t want to look at myself anymore.

“Do me a favor, Buck? Look at the mirror. There’s something I need to tell you.”

Why does he have to ask me THAT? I can’t deny him so I raise my head. I look at him though and try to lock out my reflection.

“Do you know what I see when I look at you?”

“No, and I don’t want to know,” I state determinedly. “Knock it off.”

“No, we’re doing this.” Steve seems determined to do this. “I see a face that I love, but missed looking at for decades. It’s a face that I see when I’m asleep at night. It’s a face I love. Come on, look at yourself, Buck. It’s me… I love you.”

Since his pleading tone gets to me, I comply. Steve has a strange expression in his eyes, which I fail to label.

“I also see a man who greatly suffered, but is trying his hardest to find his way back and I believe in you. You can do this, Bucky. I love you and I can’t bear the thought of losing you again. I want you to stay with me. I want you at my side until the day either one of us dies. You need to make a fresh start, even though that might seem impossible to you. But you’re an Avenger now and we stick together. You have a complete support system here. Whatever you do, never give up on yourself, because we will go to hell and back to reclaim you. You got that?”

“Reading you loud and clear,” I mutter, and after a moment’s thought I add, “I’m working on it.”

“That’s all I’m asking for. We’ll deal with the flashbacks, nightmares, and other problems together. Yes?”

What am I to say to that? I nod and draw in a deep breath. “I do hope that you know what you’re taking on.”

“Bucky,” Steve says and turns me around in the embrace. “Don’t you know that I’ll do whatever it takes?”

“Yes, I do and that scares me. I don’t want you to get hurt because of me.”

“Let me worry about that. I need you to rest now. Come to bed with me.”

I AM tired; there’s no denying that, but I fear the return of my nightmares. “Do you promise to behave?” Amused, Steve chuckles and nods his head. “I don’t believe you.” There’s mischief in his eyes.

“I’ll behave,” Steve promises, “But only because you need your beauty sleep.”

Steve takes hold of my left hand and I wonder if he does that on purpose, touching my vibranium hand instead. I follow him into the bedroom and out of habit I study the room for possible threats and escape routes. 

“You’re safe with me,” Steve assures me and pulls me down onto the bed with him. I end up on my back, with Steve using me as a pillow. He crawls half on top of me, rests his head on my chest, and smiles at me. “Is this okay for you?”

I’ve slept in way more uncomfortable situations. “I’ll survive.” Steve smiles in turn and makes himself comfortable. He seriously limits my space, but I’m okay with it, since it’s Steve. Anyone else draping themselves all over me would seriously freak me out. “Steve?”

“Yes, Buck?” 

“I should probably apologize in advance. I always have nightmares and I will wake you up. Maybe I’m better off on the couch in the living room. That way you can get some sleep.” Steve raises his head and gives me THAT look.

“I’m not letting you out of my sight. We’re both staying, and if you have a nightmare, I’ll wake you up. You do the same for me, you hear?”

I did comfort him that night when he had a nightmare. Back then I still believed he was my new handler. These days I know better. “I’ll look after you, yes.”

“That’s good enough for me. Now get some sleep.”

I hope Hydra won’t launch another attack tonight. Steve deserves a good night’s sleep.

0000

I’m cold. I’m so fucking cold that it feels like my blood is freezing in my very veins. It’s nothing new. It happened countless times before. Each time Hydra put me into cryostatis the cold seeped into my bones and dragged me into darkness. I shiver violently and hold on when I discover something warm next to me. I reach out and wrap my arms and legs around it. The warmth, however, fails to warm me on the inside. I’m so cold…

“Bucky, what’s going on? Come on, tell me, then I can help. I don’t mind you playing octopus and holding on tight, but I would like to know why you’re shaking yourself to pieces.”

It’s strange. It feels like being in cryostatis, but I’m also keenly aware of the fact that I’m breathing and that my heart is going a million beats a minute. That shouldn’t be happening while I’m in cryo. What did Hydra do to me this time? Did they devise a new way to torture me? Didn’t they do enough damage already?

“Bucky, I’m going to wake you up. You’re seriously freaking me out here. So don’t punch me. It’s me, Steve!”

A voice registers with me, but the words seem mumbo-jumbo. The voice is coming at me from all directions and it makes my head hurt. At least the headache is familiar. Whenever they brought me out of cryo my head would pound like mad. I don’t want to be brought back though. I feel at peace while I’m in cryo. They can’t hurt me here, but now they’re bringing me back and the nightmare will start again.

“Bucky!”

Someone’s shaking me and the motion makes me open my eyes. Is it an attack? Is it my handler? What’s going on? I don’t recognize the face staring back at me. The man has blue eyes, which look at me in worry. A handler wouldn’t do that. They would call in one of Hydra’s agents to deal with me until I’m fully aware of my surroundings. “Who are you?” I cringe at hearing my voice, as I completely forgot one of their rules; don’t speak, and even more importantly, don’t ask questions!

“I’m Steve, Bucky. Did you have another nightmare? Tell me. What did you dream about?”

Dream? Oh yes, I do dream when I’m in cryo. Thinking about it, those dreams often feature a face very similar to the one in front of me. It’s a kind face, one I yearn for. It’s why I never fight them when they put me in cryo. 

“Bucky, do you remember me? Do you recognize me?”

He sounds worried. Handlers don’t worry about me – ever. He said his name is Steve… Steve… The name feels familiar. Then I remember his questions. “I don’t remember you. I don’t recognize you, but you seem familiar. I dream of you when I’m cryo.” I shudder, remembering the cold that surrounded me a moment ago. It’s fading now though. “I’m cold.”

“Looks to me like another flashback caught up with you. Listen carefully. I’m Steve Rogers, your best friend and lover. You’re Bucky Barnes. We’re at Stark’s tower and we spent the night with the rest of the team. We watched a movie called the Mummy. You went to sleep in my arms. Does any of that sound familiar?”

It does, but it feels all wrong. “Hydra?”

“Hydra isn’t around anymore. We got you out and you have been with me ever since.”

I frown and search my mind, but my thoughts and memories are hazy. I remember bits and pieces, but not the big picture. I start to remember more about Steve though. “You kissed me.” Remembering even more, I avert my gaze and blush. “And you touched me.”

“Sure, you remember that, but forget about the rest?” Steve sounds amused and his tension lessens. “Just don’t tell me you want to fondue right now.”

That sparks another memory, one that lay hidden deep within the recesses of my mind. It involves me making fun of Steve for thinking… “Don’t worry, sex is the last thing on my mind.” Steve smiles warmly and I know I said the right thing.

“When that day comes, I hope we’ll make love instead. Having sex sounds…”

“Less romantic?” Oh yes, I remember Steve; he is a romantic for sure. “It’s okay. It’s coming back to me now.”

“What happened? You were asleep one moment and the next you started to shiver like mad.”

His fingers move across my face and slide into my hair, making it easier for me to bury my face against his neck. “In cryo it’s cold. I didn’t mind though, cause it meant Hydra left me alone and I was safe from them. The worst part was them bringing me out of cryo. When I realized they had another mission for me, I also realized the pain was about to start again. I still feel cold at times.”

“Ah, that explains it.” Steve reaches for the comforter and pulls it on top of us. “Better?”

I’m relieved he isn’t questioning me further; I couldn’t deal with that right now. “You’re here with me. That’s all I need.”

“I can’t imagine what it’s like being put in cryo and then being brought back time and time again. It was different for me. When I crashed that plane, I knew there was no way back for me. I don’t remember much about it. I remember waking up in a fake hospital room, but it wasn’t traumatic for me. It must have been different for you.”

I lift my head in order to make eye contact. Didn’t we go to sleep with him stretched on top of me? Now Steve is beneath me and I’m covering most of his body. It must have happened during my flashback. “I’m sorry. I must be crushing you.” I want to roll off of him, but Steve holds me in place.

“I like the feel of your weight atop of me, don’t worry about it.”

He sounds honest, so I accept our current sleeping arrangement. “I never minded going into cryo. Being in cryo meant having peace of mind, but when they brought me back and I realized what was about to happen, then… It always hurt, realizing I was about to kill again. I just wanted to go back to sleep.” Suddenly I realize that Steve did get me to tell him about my time with Hydra; he lured me into a sense of safety by first sharing his own story. “I should move to the couch. That way you can get some sleep.”

“No, that’s not going to happen. You’re staying right where you are.” 

Steve tightens his hold on me, but I don’t find it restricting. It gives me a sense of safety; I feel protected. “You’re going to tire of me eventually,” I say, revealing my worst fear.

“Never!” Steve’s vehement tone says it all. “Don’t say that and stop thinking it!”

He actually made me smile and I relax in turn. I have faith in him. Despite, or, maybe, because of the things we’ve been though together.

0000

“Rise and shine, boys! Time for breakfast. Oh, I should really take a picture of the two of you.”

Feeling a little confused at being woken in that way, I look toward the doorway and see Clint leaning against it. What do I need to do in order to get some privacy around here? Thankfully Steve kept his hands to himself or I would have felt even more embarrassed. 

“You could knock,” I tell him and roll off of Steve. I end up on my back and stare at the ceiling. All in all, last night wasn’t that bad compared to most nights. Yes, I flashed back to being in cryo, but I remained calm – thanks to Steve mostly. 

“But where is the fun in that?” Clint moves toward the bed and grins at me.

“I always wondered why Steve didn’t hit on Sharon or any other girl. He wasn’t even interested in Nat. I guess, this explains it.” He gestures at the two of us in bed.

Which means he WAS attracted to Romanoff in the past, but it didn’t work out or he never told her. Maybe he loves his wife too much to cheat on her. Whatever the reason, Clint remained faithful. 

“Do you always have to wake us so early? I could have slept some more!” 

Steve shoots Clint an evil look and I believe him. Our nights tend to be short and Steve sleeps badly because I sleep badly. My stomach decides to growl loudly that very moment, rendering any of Steve’s objections futile. 

“Oh, you’re hungry! In that case, we should get up and eat breakfast!” 

I’m about to tell Steve to slow down and just stay in bed to get more sleep, when he energetically jumps to his feet, taking the comforter with him. Thank God I’m wearing clothes, otherwise he would have exposed me. Steve marches into the bathroom and starts whistling a merry tune, leaving me to deal with Clint. 

Since the bathroom is already occupied, I’m in no hurry to leave the bed. I sit up, rest my back against the headboard, and pull the comforter up to my chest. I feel less vulnerable that way. 

“Tony, Sam, Nat, and I are heading downtown after breakfast to do some shopping and basically just to get out. Being cooped up in here isn’t a good thing. We were rather hoping Steve and you would join us. I know a great steakhouse where we can have lunch, since you like steak that much.”

That’s a bad idea. A very, very bad idea. “You don’t want me loose on New York’s streets,” I warn him and hope he’ll back off.

“And why is that? Please tell me.”

Fuck, Clint just sat down at the foot end of the bed instead of leaving as I had hoped. Do I have to spell it out to him? “Hydra will attack sooner or later. You don’t want to make it easy for them.”

“I don’t worry about Hydra. If they show up, we’ll deal with them. We faced worse enemies.”

He’s going to make this hard on me. “You don’t want me freaking out and injuring people.”

“And why would you freak out?”

Clint seems genuinely puzzled; I expected him to be smarter than that. “What if I panic or I have another flashback? What if I lash out at innocent people just going about their business?”

“Bucky, you can’t hide in here. I understand your fears, I really do, but burying yourself alive isn’t an option. You don’t want Hydra to win that war. You need to take back your life. And if you panic, we’ll deal with it. Put your faith in us. We’ll be close the entire time and we’ll watch you, if that’s what you want. Steve won’t let anything happen to you, you know that.”

“You don’t know what it’s like. You don’t know what I get like when—“ Clint however cuts me short.

“You’re not going to turn into the Winter Soldier. Why would you think that? You’re your own man now. No one is going to put you back into that machine ever again.”

“You can’t know that for sure,” I object. 

“Actually I can. Tony destroyed Hydra’s machine on his way out. He blew up Hydra’s base in Siberia.”

I sigh and pray for patience. “Do you really think Hydra only has one of those contraptions?”

Clint’s eyes widen as he finally catches on. “What?”

“Pierce had a copy constructed. Do you think they’re going to take it apart, fly it into the States, and then back to Siberia?”

“A copy?” Steve enters the bedroom, still towel drying his hair

“Of course. You underestimate Hydra. If you continue doing that, it will cost you your lives.” I need to make sure they understand how dangerous an enemy Hydra is. “They only need to snatch me from the streets, take me back there, and you have the Winter Soldier on your hands again!”

“What do you remember about the building they kept you in? Do you have any idea where we can find that copy?” 

Steve sits down on the bed next to me. I can’t help but notice the aftershave on him, the shampoo he used and… Fuck, now I’m hard. I move about in bed and manage to hide my compromising situation. I just need to think of something bad like Hydra and the arousal will surely go away. 

“Bucky, focus, will you?” 

Steve’s grin tells me he caught on, the bastard. I can’t believe this is happening in the midst of discussing Hydra. “What was the question again?” I choose to ignore Clint’s chuckling.

“Do you know where they kept you? Do you know where we can find that machine?”

“You know what my memory is like,” I stutter, afraid to disappoint him.

“Just try, do you remember anything at all?” 

Steve reaches for my hands and for some reason the touch helps me focus. “It was in the center of town. There was a lot of traffic, I remember that.” I close my eyes and do my hardest to remember something that will help them locate the building. “The walls were odd. They consisted of hundreds of open safety deposits boxes. I was kept in some sort of vault… maybe a bank?” I open my eyes and give Steve a pleading look. “That’s all I remember, sorry.” I know it isn’t much.

“You did well,” Clint says, beating Steve to speaking first. “I’ll update Tony and he’ll put Jarvis to work. I want the two of you to go the kitchen and have breakfast. Tony and I will meet you there.”

I watch him march out of the room and notice the determination to his pace. Clint is determined to locate The Machine. I don’t know how I feel about that. Steve pulls me from my musings by pressing a rather chaste kiss onto my brow.

“Go shower. I’ll wait for you here. Don’t take too long.”

I grumble my displease at him, leave the bed, and drag my feet while making my way into the bathroom. I strip, get into the shower stall, and make quick work of cleaning myself up. Getting out of the shower cabin, I realize I forgot to bring clothes with me. That’s so typical for scatter-brained me.

“Here, you might want to slip into these.”

Steve walks into the bathroom and hands me some clothes. The next moment, his gaze runs up and down my body, humming softly and giving me a dirty look.

“Looking good,” Steve comments. “Too bad we’re running out of time. I can think of a lot of things to do to you.”

He made me blush again, damn it! I quickly step into the jeans, as he conveniently forget to bring any underwear. He probably thinks he’ll have easy access later, but we will see about that. I put on the shirt and sweater and finish with socks and comfortable boots. After running a hand through my damp hair, I turn around, purposefully avoiding looking into the mirror and join Steve, who is waiting for me in the bedroom. He actually made the bed, which makes me grin. He used to do that back then as well. He couldn’t stand me leaving my bed in disarray, and often, when I came home after working all day, I would find my bed made. It’s the little things that matter.

“Let’s eat,” Steve stays and grabs my left hand. “You’re hungry and so am I.”

I obediently follow him to the kitchen and release a sigh of relief upon finding only Romanoff there. After that little talk with Clint, The Machine is back on my mind, distracting me. 

“Sit down,” Steve orders and heads for the coffee maker. 

While he busies himself preparing our coffee, I chance a look at Romanoff. She looks rested, chipper even, but her expression is shadowed. I quickly deduce what happened. “Clint told you?” Thankfully she doesn’t pretend ignorance.

“Yes, he did. Tony and Jarvis are working on locating that building right now. It’s a good thing you remembered those details. That can’t have been easy on you.”

I reckon her past makes it easier for her to understand what I went through. “I didn’t remember that much. Maybe even too little.”

“Jarvis will surprise you. He’ll find that building.” The measure of confidence in her voice is surprising.

Steve puts a mug of coffee in front of me. “I put a bit of everything on it,” Steve says while putting down a plate with food on it as well.

Steve might have overdone it; there’s bacon, scrambled eggs, toast, sausages, pancakes, fresh fruit, and even a muffin. I eye him curiously.

“You need to keep up your strength!” Steve sits down as well and his plate is just as full as mine. 

I shrug and pick up the fork to start eating. The food tastes good and to my surprise, I clean that plate within five minutes.

“If you want more, get more,” Romanoff tells me. “Trust your body. If it tells you to eat, eat.”

I get to my feet and put more bacon and eggs on my plate. I’m already on my way back to the kitchen table when I decide to add another muffin. Maybe my body wants me to make up for all those years Hydra practically starved me. What they served as food didn’t count. After sitting down, I start on my second serving and I eat with relish. Steve’s mum always said that breakfast was the most important meal of the day so I’d better honor her words.

“Ah, there you are!”

The peace and quiet comes to an end with Tony, Clint, and Wilson joining us. I accept my fate and drink what is left of my coffee. I’ll need more of it if I want to get through the day.

“We found your bank,” Tony announces after picking up a muffin. “At first, I had trouble finding it, but then I decided to check Pierce’s properties and then it came up right away.”

That’s good. “And now what?” I can’t just assume they’ll destroy it. Maybe Stark has plans for it.

“We’ll destroy it, of course. We’re leaving in an hour.”

Okay, that’s one thing less to worry about. I stare at my empty coffee mug and realize I desperately need a refill. “I hope you won’t encounter any of Hydra’s agents.” Steve must have seen my look and pours more coffee, while he also moves the milk and sugar closer to me, so I can add some.

“Well, you’ll find out as you’re coming along with us,” Clint says.

I shake my head at Clint. “I’m not joining you. I’m not going there.” I feel queasy just thinking about going back there. I don’t think I can deal with actually coming face to face with The Machine. 

“And why’s that?” Tony arches an eyebrow inquisitively. 

“Because…” I grow silent. Don’t they understand? “Don’t make me go back there. You don’t want me to go back there.”

“What are you afraid of?” Steve places his right hand atop of mine. “We’ll always back you up.”

What I’m afraid of? He wants to know why going back there scares the hell out of me? “It’s the memories… the fear, the pain… I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can. You really should do this.” To my surprise Wilson is getting involved too. “You need to face your demons,” he continues. “Maybe then you’ll realize they lost their power over you. If you don’t do this, you’ll always wonder what would have happened if you had faced Hydra. You owe it to yourself to do this.”

I hate it when they do this – team up against me. “I don’t know how I will react, just keep that in mind. Don’t blame me if I turn against you, or go berserk. You’re making me do this, so the blame is on you if I murder or hurt anyone.”

“You’re not murdering anyone.” Steve shakes his head. “It’s all in your mind. I agree with Sam. You need to do this in order to put those ghosts to rest. Hydra no longer controls you.”

“You can’t know what will happen when we enter that building.” I need to convince him to leave me here at the tower. “What if they set a trap? What if they know of a way to trigger the Winter Soldier?”

“They can’t,” Stark states calmly. “They need to put you into that machine first and that’s not going to happen ever again.” He leans in closer across the table. “What it all comes down to is, do you trust us to keep you safe?”

I nod; I trust Steve to watch my back and to keep me safe. However, I don’t trust myself to do the same for them.

0000

Watching Steve change into his Captain America outfit is a strange experience. I remember him doing the same thing over seventy years ago. When we were riding that train together he wore a uniform very similar to it, but I can tell it has changed. But when we fought on that helicarrier he wore that old outfit. He must have put it on in the hope to spark my memory.

“Here, Tony told me to give you this. Since you don’t have clothes of your own, he took the liberty of designing something. Well, actually Jarvis did and Dum-E put it together. It’s bullet-proof, so that’s one thing less to worry about.”

Steve puts the outfit onto the bed and I curiously move closer. It’s mostly black with a hint of the darkest green. It should remind me of Hydra’s uniform, but it doesn’t. It reminds me of my old army uniform instead. I still wonder about the wisdom – or folly - of this operation. “You shouldn’t take me along on this mission. I can’t vouch for my actions when Hydra’s involved.”

“I trusted you seventy years ago. I trusted you that day on the helicarrier and I trust you now. You need to trust yourself as well, Bucky.”

He’s right, but that doesn’t change much. “You WILL stop me if I do something that endangers others, promise me that.”

“I will, but Bucky, you won’t. You are in control of your actions. No one is going to force you to hurt people.” 

I can only hope he’s right. I pick up the uniform and take a deep breath. This is it then. I’m about to return to my worst nightmare.

0000

By the time I reach the rooftop, Steve convinced me that everyone is taking this serious, which is a relief to me. I would hate for them to walk into one of Hydra’s traps with their eyes wide open. Stark changed into his Iron Man suit and Wilson is already flying. 

“I love the new wings, Stark! You did great!”

Ah, yes, I almost forgot. I destroyed them when we fought on board of the helicarrier. Something else I should apologize for. Romanoff is getting into a plane and Clint follows her example, but not before gesturing for me and Steve to join them. I draw in a deep breath and tell myself that I can do this. This isn’t different from any other mission the Howling Commando’s went on and Steve’s at my side. Should I lose my nerves, he’s there to help.

“Come on, Buck, let’s do this.”

I nod at Steve and follow him onto the plane, which Romanoff and Clint are going to fly. Steve beckons me to buckle up and I sit down, strapping myself in. Steve hands me a headpiece while getting his own in place. I slip it into my ear and promptly hear Tony’s voice.

“Phil already sealed off the area and Shield is going to meet us on ground.”

Them sealing off the area is good idea. If Hydra has something in store for us, it’s always the innocent people on their way back home who get caught up in it. I do my best to keep my breathing steady and to secure my mind against any memories that might trigger a flashback. It’s difficult though. Every cell in my body is telling me to get off the plane and to retreat to the safety of Steve’s apartment. Our gazes cross and Steve nods encouragingly. I have to keep reminding myself that he believes in me and I don’t want to disappoint him. 

0000

After a short while the plane loses altitude and eventually lands. I cast a quick look outside and instantly recognize the building. “This is the place.”

“I figured as much,” comes Tony’s reply. “Just remember that you’re not alone in this. We got your back.”

It’s weird to keep hearing his voice in my ear, but it does remind me that we’re in this together. Hopefully that will be the thing to pull me through. 

0000

Standing in front of the building, I can’t stop the shivers from running down my spine. The last time I was here I was Hydra’s prisoner and they were dragging me inside. I’m not sure – since everything is still foggy – but I think I fought them that time. Not that it mattered, they stunned me and when I woke up inside the vault, there were at least a dozen guns aimed at me, ready to take me down.

“Bucky…”

Steve’s voice pulls me away from the past and I follow him to the doorway, where Coulson is already awaiting us. He looks determined to do this. 

“Gentlemen, we’re all set. We will follow you in.”

I’m relieved they’re letting us enter first. I would hate for him and his men to walk into a trap. Romanoff walks up to me and hands me a rifle. The weight of it feels familiar and I’m happy to have a weapon. Steve walks up front and I follow in his footsteps. Clint and Nat close ranks and the four us enter the bank. 

“Relax, guys,” Wilson says. “Tony and I are already inside the building. We’re heading for the vault and will meet you there.”

“Just be careful.” I expect a trap with every step I take, but the building seems deserted. 

“It looks like they left in a hurry.” Romanoff looks at the mess the building is in. There are papers everywhere.

I don’t relax though; this is Hydra we’re talking about.

“What way?” Steve asks and briefly pauses.

“This way,” I tell him before Stark can answer. “Down here.” The corridor leads us deeper into the bank and toward the vault. I hate this. I hate being back here and fight down the memories of them dragging me down this corridor. I was barely conscious at the time.

“How are you holding up?” Clint suddenly appears to my right.

“Trying my hardest to stay in the present,” I hiss between clenched teeth. The memories are getting stronger and my surroundings seem to fade away, showing me Hydra agents instead, aiming their guns at me and telling me to move it. 

“You can do this, Buck.”

Steve’s right hand settles on my shoulder and squeezes gently. The touch helps me focus and I manage to shake off the memories. I can’t afford to lose it right now. Clint opens the door to the vault and I swallow hard, catching a first glimpse of The Machine. “I can’t do this,” I tell them, and come to an abrupt halt. 

“Yes, you can.” Steve moves in front of me and looks me in the eyes. “Hydra isn’t here. We’re going to destroy that machine and then we get the hell out of here.”

Remembered pain causes my body to jerk violently and I drop the rifle onto the floor. “I can’t. You don’t understand.” In my mind the walls echo my screams and the stench of my burned flesh invades my nostrils. It’s too real.

“Buck, look at me!”

Steve’s voice registers with me because of the concern in it. I need to take care of Steve. I need to protect him. I love him. He’s all I got. “Steve, I…” I manage to focus long enough to address him. “I’m endangering the lot of you.”

“The place is deserted,” Tony tells us. “And I read no abnormal power charges. The place is dead.”

That should reassure me, but it doesn’t. I stare at The Machine which made my life hell for so long. Without the power on and a dozen of Hydra agents keeping me down, The Machine doesn’t look threatening, but I know the pain it caused me.

“Maybe you want the honor of destroying it, Barnes? I can blast the whole place into oblivion, but it might be really satisfying if you took it apart instead,” Tony suggests as he lands close to us.

“Can I?” I really want to destroy it.

“Sure, go ahead.” Tony gestures toward the machine.

I exchange a look with Steve, who nods and whispers, “Go ahead, make your peace with your past.”

I move as if in trance and head toward the diabolical construction. The first time Zola used it on me, I didn’t know what pain it would bring. The second time he subjected me to it, I screamed my heart out. All that pain, anger, and suffering finally hits its boiling point and I rip off one of those arms. The second follows quickly and then I aim my rage at the control panels, tearing them apart, utterly destroying them. I don’t want anyone to suffer the way Hydra made me suffer. 

I don’t know how long this insane rage lasts, but when I come to my senses, there isn’t much left of Hydra’s Machine. I feel relieved, liberated in a way, but I also know that the memories will never go away. They might fade in time, but I’ll never be free of them.

“I’ve got you.”

Steve’s arms come up around me and he holds me close. I lean against him, trying to make sense of the emotions running through me. Releasing all that pent up anger helped. I feel different – more in control – and I seriously want to find what remains of Hydra and destroy them. “It’s okay,” I tell Steve, making eye contact. “I’m in control.”

“I told you everything would turn out fine.” Steve places his hands on my shoulders and smiles at me. “I guess this means you’re officially an active member of the Avengers?”

“It looks that way.” I didn’t let them down. Time will tell what happens on our next mission, but for the first time I feel like I’m in control and not Hydra. “We will do this – together, as a team.” Steve nods and I wonder what the future will bring. But whatever the future holds for me, I’ll face it with Steve at my side.

0000

“You did well.” 

Phil congratulations Bucky and I proudly nod my approval. “Phil is right,” I add, whispering into Bucky’s ear. “You handled that situation well.”

“I didn’t,” Bucky objects. “If we had come under attack Hydra would have finished me off. I was too busy dealing with what happened in there.” 

Bucky appears lost in thought; going into that building was difficult for him. The whole team knows that. “But you did it. You faced your demons. You’ll probably have to do so a few more times before you can start to lay them to rest, but you didn’t back down. You’re a fighter, Buck, you always were.” He smiles at me and I want to kiss him, but I don’t, as I know he’s still shy about it.

“Want a ride back to the tower?” Phil asks gingerly. 

I really like the guy. I wasn’t so sure about him at first, with all that hero worshipping going on, but ever since he tried to stop Loki and almost died in the line of duty, he gained my respect. I’ll sign whatever memorabilia he’s collecting, but I suspect that he’s after Bucky’s signature in this case. “Sure, we’ll ride along.” The look Nat gives me tells me she caught on about Phil’s hidden agenda.

“Clint and I are taking the plane back to the tower,” she tells us and waves goodbye. 

Tony and Sam are racing home, which leaves Bucky and me getting into the car with Phil. His bottom lip trembles, which always happens when he’s nervous. “Do you have a pen, Phil?”

“A pen?” I caught him by surprise, but a moment later, he catches on and grins apologetically. “Am I that transparent?”

“Only to me,” I reassure him. “Get out your cards so Bucky can sign them.”  
Bucky watches Phil closely and stares at the cards in surprise. Most of them feature Sergeant James Barnes of the 107th and the Howling Commandos. There are also two cards which show us together and they already have my signature on them. “Do this for him,” I whisper, at which he nods. Bucky isn’t quite sure what to do, but in the end, he signs each and every one of them. He probably finds it hard to believe anyone would put him on a card. Which reminds me, “Did you ever visit the exhibition?”

“What exhibition?” 

Bucky hands Phil his cards. The guy looks like Christmas came early this year. “You’re his hero now.”

Bucky shrugs. “What exhibition are you talking about?”

“The Captain America exhibition. There’s also a big section on the Howling Commando’s. You’re a hero to most Americans.” I know he doesn’t think of himself as a hero, but that doesn’t change the public’s opinion. Seeing the self-doubt in those blues, I add, “Don’t underestimate the people. They too can tell a victim from a villain, much like Phil here.” Bucky wants to argue, but upon seeing my look, he gives in. Good, because he would have lost that particular argument.

0000

Tony is already waiting for us by the time we get back to the Stark Tower. He’s out of his Iron Man suit and sips from a Martini. He does look pleased and I understand why. According to him, this mission was a success. Bucky didn’t panic – not really.

“Ah, there he is! You did remind me of my favorite green rage monster!”

Bucky’s look reveals his confusion as he has never met the Hulk before. “Just wait until Bruce shows up. Once you get to know the Hulk, you’ll understand what Tony is saying.” Bucky shrugs at that. 

“You told me I could destroy it.” Bucky states calmly.

“Yes, I did, and I meant it!” Tony goes for a refill and pours Nat and Clint some whisky when they walk into the room. “Here, we have reason to celebrate.”

“You should cut down on the booze, Stark,” Clint says and declines. Instead, he heads for the kitchen and a few minutes later the aroma of freshly brewed coffee drifts into the sitting area.

“Caffeine is just as bad,” Tony states and gives Nat a hopeful look, but she shakes her head at him.

“It’s too early, Tony.”

Evidently he knows better than to offer Buck some, because Tony doesn’t even try. I settle down on the couch, remove my helmet, and put the shield down next to me. Buck paces the room for a minute, but then sits down next to me. We definitely need to talk later; Bucky needs to get some things off his chest.

“Since we missed lunch, I suggest we head for that steakhouse later,” Clint proposes as he puts down a tray on the coffee table. It has coffee and sandwiches on it. While everyone, except Tony, reaches for the coffee and food, Tony plays with one of his gadgets, which resembles a tablet.

“What do you think about that? Wanna eat out tonight?” Is Bucky still scared to go outside because he might attract Hydra’s attention?

“If that’s what you want. Steak sounds fine,” Bucky says, easily giving in.

I’m glad to hear it. Joining us on our trip to that bank helped him to build self confidence. “We’ll do just that then.”

“Tony, I love the new wings.” Sam settles down opposite me and attacks the sandwiches with a vengeance. That guy is always hungry.

“Glad I could help!” Tony smiles and returns to doing whatever he’s doing; most of his technical gadgets are a mystery to me.

“I’m sorry about that,” Bucky says unexpectedly. “About ripping off your wings.”

I look at Sam. Is he going to accept that apology? I hope so. 

“It wasn’t you, man, I get that. I mean, you only have to look at your eyes and one can tell the difference. When you turn into the Winter Soldier they become cold and vacant. At first, I was mad like hell at you for destroying my wings, but once I realized what Hydra had done to you, I let go of that anger. Besides, the new wings Tony made for me are an improvement. So don’t feel bad about it, Barnes. You were fighting battles on more fronts than one. I’m just happy to know you pulled through. No hard feelings. We’re buddies in this.” 

Sam extends his hand in friendship and I look at Bucky to see what he’ll do.  
Bucky reaches out with his right hand and they shake on it. One crisis mastered, several more to come. I know that, but I’m also sure we can deal with whatever the future holds in store for us.

0000

Pre-occupied with my own thoughts, I enter Steve’s apartment and head for the couch, where I sit down. A lot happened today and I’m still trying to process it. Without Steve and Tony grounding me, I might have panicked and caused problems.

“A penny for your thoughts.” Steve sits down next to me.

I sigh, rest the back of my head against the comfort of the couch, and reach for his hand. I clasp my metal fingers around his and look at our joined hands for some time. “You kept me sane in there,” I confess eventually. “Without you – and Tony – I… I don’t know what might have happened. Being in that vault brought back so many bad memories and they were dragging me under.” Talking about it actually helps. Thankfully Steve doesn’t mind playing shrink.

“That’s how a team works. That’s what we did with the Howling Commando’s back then. It’s all about offering support when one member needs it. That’s why you don’t need to be scared going on a mission with us. We watch each other. Heaven knows Tony needs monitoring and don’t get me started on the Hulk. Thor can be impetuous at times too.”

“You make a good leader. You always did. That little kid from Brooklyn turned out to be the best.” I’m making him blush and I chuckle. “It’s the truth. I always had faith in you. Even when you were tiny and thin –“ I fail to finish that sentence as Steve objects in his very own way, by kissing me. I give in and deepen the kiss. Steve moans into my mouth, and although I feel a bit insecure about it, I slide the fingers of my left hand into his hair to keep him in place. Steve’s reaction is instant as he pulls me into his lap. 

Fortunately for me, even Steve needs to breathe now and then, and I use that opportunity to pull slightly away from him. We’re both in our uniforms and I don’t want to mess up these clothes. If I let Steve continue this, we WILL create a big mess. “Behave yourself.” No matter how badly I want this, I know I’m not ready to take this step. I need more time to get used to the idea of being in a relationship after all those years of solitude. Steve seems to get it and keeps his hands to himself, mostly. “I love you, and I want this too, but this is new and…” I’m fucking insecure about all this. “Give me some time.”

“You have all the time you need. I hope I won’t die due to blue balls in the meantime.”

“Language! Your mother would make you wash your mouth with soap,” I remind him. 

“I’m getting more comfortable with talking dirty; I watched some porn since I got out of the ice and it’s corrupting me.”

That explains it. Steve finally got over his insecurities, but I haven’t – not yet. Something tells me I will though; Steve’s dirty grin being a good indication of that. Cuddling up to him still feels strange, but it’s something I’m also slowly getting used to and comes easier these days. I rest my head against his shoulder and allow myself to relax. 

“I love you, Bucky.”

Hearing it makes me smile. “I love you too, Steve.” What else can I wish for? I finally found the other half of my soul and I’m not letting go ever again!

The end


End file.
